


These Broken Parts

by MysteriousMidnight



Series: A Little Uphill Climb [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Coming Out, Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Cutting, Explicit Language, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Jared Kleinman Is a Good Friend, Larry Murphy Tries (Dear Evan Hansen), M/M, Mild Sexual Content, References to Depression, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Treebros, dear evan hansen - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-22
Updated: 2020-03-22
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:08:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 42,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23253715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MysteriousMidnight/pseuds/MysteriousMidnight
Summary: What if Connor Murphy lived, and things between him and Evan had played out differently? My take on TreeBros. I know this AU has been done a LOT, but I hope you'll give my story a chance :) There's lots of fluff and angst, plus some really funny moments. There's also a sequel, up now!
Relationships: Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy
Series: A Little Uphill Climb [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1700338
Comments: 68
Kudos: 222





	1. These Broken Parts Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! This is my take on what would happen if Connor had lived, and things had played out differently between him and Evan. Clearly 100% Treebros. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I find immense comfort in Dear Evan Hansen, and really enjoyed writing this fic for that reason.
> 
> A few small notes: Connor never got around to signing Evan's cast. The signed cast would have made certain things hard to do. And I don't mention Evan's cast much, but he does have it until early October. Finally, Evan's laptop has been replaced by a cell phone - it was more practical that way, and will make more sense as you read.
> 
> **ALSO** ... I used both the broadway show and the YA novel adaptation for material and inspiration. So if you've read the book, you'll pick up on certain things not mentioned in the musical, like the fact that Connor is bisexual (as per the book). Please note that I do sometimes refer to him as "gay" because many in the LGBTQ+ community use "gay" as a general term. Personally, I'm bi but sometimes will use the word "gay" to describe myself, so I used it for Connor, as well.
> 
> So, yeah... Enjoy! If you DO enjoy, please let me know! I love reading your comments :)

“Please, let me explain!”

Connor stopped short, his back to Evan. He wasn’t sure what made him stop, if it was the fact that he felt like an asshole for how he’d treated the anxious boy earlier (he really hadn’t meant to push him, especially that hard...), or if it was the words he spoke. They haunted him, reminding him of days long ago when he would try to explain to his parents why he had done something, and they’d brush him off and tell him they didn’t want to hear it.

Whatever the reason, he felt compelled to hear Evan out.

Slowly, he turned to face Evan, a steely look in his eye. Most people interpreted that look as anger. But for him, it was more about protecting himself, closing himself off. After all, this could still just be an elaborate prank to humiliate him.

“I... it’s just... um...” Evan sounded frantic. He looked ready to cry. Most people would have laughed at him for that – boys don’t cry, right? But Connor knew that feeling. Though his thoughts were racing and his skin was crawling, he tried to give the other boy the benefit of the doubt. He tried hard to remain patient and not roll his eyes.

Evan fell silent, staring at his shoes, picking at the hem of his shirt. His heart was pounding hard in his chest, he could feel a panic attack edging its way up his body. He NEEDED that letter back. He tried to make eye contact with Connor again, but the anger in Connor’s eyes terrified him. 

Evan stood that way for so long, silently staring at the floor, that Connor didn’t think he’d ever speak again. Connor sighed in frustration. He was trying to be patient, trying to let Evan say his piece, but he was starting to lose his shit. He fidgeted in place, feeling caged, like the walls were closing in on him. He had to get out of there, had to go- Well, he just had to go. Today had not been a good day, and his thoughts were taking him to dark places, convincing him it was all his fault, that he had to- had to... 

Suddenly, Evan looked Connor in the eye, and spoke - super fast, but still, he spoke.

“I, um, go to therapy. And, so, my, um, well, my therapist suggested I- well, that I write letters to myself and-“ His voice caught in his throat. He couldn’t believe he’d just told Connor Murphy that he went to therapy. He glanced up at Connor, not with fear this time, but with shame, before quickly looking away.

Connor took a small step forward. He had the sudden urge to reach a hand out to Evan, to steady and comfort him. He was used to people avoiding eye contact with him out of fear – he was crazy Connor Murphy, after all. If he really thought about it, he realized it had been a long time since someone looked at him with anything other than fear in their eyes. 

But this wasn’t that. He could see the humiliation in Evan‘s eyes. He was embarrassed to be admitting to someone that he was in therapy - another feeling Connor knew well. So it was... well, he didn’t want to say nice because that seemed mean - Evan was clearly struggling to tell him this. But it was nice not to be looked at like he was going to murder the person before him. The only other person who had looked at Connor without fear was, well....

After an eternity, Evan tried again, even managed to look Connor in the eye.

“I just was - I mean I wasn’t - it wasn’t about you being there. It was stupid, I’m sorry. I just like - I mean, you know. Well, you don’t, I guess.... I like Zoe. I’m sorry, that’s weird to say to you. Not because you’re you but because - because you’re her brother. I-I wasn’t trying - I mean, I would never... I wasn’t trying to trick you or call you - well, I mean, you’re not crazy... I’m sorry.”

Evan took a breath, his heart still racing. But for some reason, the panic attack he thought was inevitable never came. Despite his racing heart, he felt a weird calm falling over him. The steely look in Connor’s eyes had lessened some. He didn’t look ready to push Evan again. So, Evan continued.

“I never meant for anyone to see that letter. It wasn’t a trick, I’m sorry. I just... can I... Please don’t tell her...”

“Whatever,” Connor gritted out after several tense minutes of silence. Logically, he knew Evan was telling the truth. But his brain was still screaming at him to protect himself, to throw his walls back up. To run. “Well....” Connor spun on his heel to leave.

“Wait! Are you... Where are you... Um, my letter?”

Connor turned back to Evan. The utter fear and desperation in his voice hit a chord in Connor. He didn’t know what it was about this boy, didn’t know what made him do it, but... “Have you ever ditched class?”

The look on Evan’s face was so comical, Connor couldn’t help but chuckle.

Evan’s mouth dropped open, surprised to hear Connor Murphy laugh. He didn’t think he’d ever even seen Connor Murphy smile.

So, when Connor nodded at him and walked out the school doors, Evan followed.

~*~*~

The park was quiet, since most people were at school and work. Connor sat with his back against a tree, Evan sitting a bit away from him. Connor took a long drag from a joint, then held it out to Evan.

“Oh, um... I...” Evan started to reach for it, but pulled back. Would Connor think he was a loser if he didn’t try it? Would he tell him to leave? As unexpected as it was, Evan was enjoying Connor’s company. They hadn’t spoken much, but there was a weird comfort in just sitting here with him. Evan couldn’t put his finger on why - not yet, at least.

“No pressure, you don’t have to,” Connor said with a shrug, taking another pull.

“Oh, um, thank you.” Evan looked down, playing with the laces of his sneakers.

They fell back into their comfortable silence, Connor finishing the joint and Evan staring around the park. His brain wouldn’t shut off, cycling between thoughts of getting in trouble with his mom for skipping class, wondering why Connor had asked him to hang out, and assessing Connor himself. This was the first time he’d felt safe enough to simply stare at the other boy, who was leaning his head back against the tree, eyes closed.

Connor looked so peaceful. Maybe being high did that to you. His mouth held a small smile, his shoulders weren’t tensed up anymore. He looked... calm. Relaxed. Innocent.

“Why are people afraid of you?”

The words were out of Evan’s mouth before he could stop them. He wished so hard he could take them back. The steely-eyed look Connor hit him with gave him chills. But the question was out there and couldn’t be taken back. 

Connor sneered at Evan. “I don’t know, why are you afraid of me?”

“Oh, I... I mean... I-I’m not..”

Connor rolled his eyes. He didn’t need this, he should have known better than to think he could reach out and make a friend. He went to stand, ready to go, to do what he’d intended when he’d first made the decision to skip school earlier. His body felt like a guitar that was strung too tight, anxious and ready to snap.

“I just, I’m afraid of ... lots of things.” Evan said quickly, praying Connor wouldn’t leave. 

Connor stared hard at Evan. He believed that, it was crystal clear this boy had a list of things a mile long that made him anxious and skittish. Slowly, he sat back down, not saying a word, just waiting for Evan to continue. 

“My therapist says I have, um, social anxiety. Sorry, that’s weird... But so, I’m not really.... it’s not that I’m, um, I’m just like this with everyone, I guess. Not just you. Sorry.”

“You apologize a lot.”

“Sorry. I mean... you know what I mean. Sorry.”

“Stop apologizing.”

“So- .... okay.”

Connor smirked. “You want to say it again, huh?”

“Yes, very much so.”

They stared at each other for a second before they both broke out into awkward laughter.

~*~*~

When they rose to leave, Connor fidgeted for a second, trying to find the nicest way to say what he needed to say.

“Look, Evan-“

Evan couldn’t quite read the tone in Connor’s voice, but he tensed with worry, his mind exploding with all the things Connor might be about to say.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think we should tell anyone about... coming here together. We, uh, probably shouldn’t talk at school, either.”

“O-oh,” Evan mumbled, looking down. “S-sure, I get it. Um, this was... n-nice...?” He turned to hurry away when he felt a hand on his arm. He jumped, looking up at Connor.

“I just have this really crap reputation,” Connor continued.

“Oh?” Evan asked, trying to sound surprised, like he didn’t know anything about Connor and what people said about him.

Connor rolled his eyes, letting out a single sarcastic laugh.

“Yeahhhhh, and... you know, you seem....” Connor stopped himself, shrugging. He didn’t want to say anything mean, but Evan had admitted he had anxiety. Even without him admitting it, Connor knew from experience what anxiety looked like. Evan, like Connor, tried very hard to be invisible, and he’d be anything but if he started hanging with Connor, or talking to him at school. 

Connor shrugged again. “I wouldn’t want my reputation making things rough for you, is all.” Connor shook his head, still trying to figure out why he cared so much. He never allowed himself to care about people or get close, not since... 

Evan nodded. “Okay, um, yeah. Thanks for... that?”

“Yeah. Well....” Connor pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, tore off a corner, and jotted his number down. He handed the paper to Evan. “Maybe we can... I don’t know... hang out again or whatever.”

Evan carefully took the paper with shaking hands and pocketed it, nodding.


	2. These Broken Parts Chapter 2

“WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, EVAN??”

Evan flinched, closing the door softly behind him. 

“The school called me at work, you weren’t answering your cell phone. Do you know how WORRIED I’ve been???”

Evan gulped. “I-I-I’m, I just, I’m sorry. I just...”

Heidi Hansen stared at her son, anger and worry flashing in her eyes.

“I just, um, well I had a-a panic attack and I just - I just left.”

“You left?? Instead of going to the nurse, or calling me, or any of the other things we’ve discussed?”

Evan shrugged, staring at his feet. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

Heidi huffed in frustration, deflating a little. “Okay, okay... I’m sorry you had a panic attack, Evan. We’ll have to talk to Dr. Sherman about it. But next time, you HAVE to go to the school nurse or call me, okay? I was SO worried!”

Evan nodded at his shoes. “Y-yeah, okay. Um, can I go upstairs now?”

Heidi sighed, her anger washing away. “Sure, yeah. I’ll let you know when dinner is ready.”

He was halfway up the stairs when his mom’s voice drifted up to him, “and you’re grounded for a week!”

Evan flinched, but he knew it was less than what he deserved. He got upstairs, closed his door, and sat on his bed, staring at the piece of paper with Connor’s number on it for a long time.

~*~*~

Connor was so numb to his parents yelling at him and grounding him that he didn’t even flinch when he got home and his father went off on him. It was the usual bullshit. He was grounded for two weeks, he’d be driven to and from school, blah blah blah.

When he passed Zoe’s room, she made some offhand remark about what a screw-up he was, and he told her to fuck off. So, a typical night in the Murphy household.

Connor slammed his door and fell onto his bed, pulling Evan’s letter out and reading it over and over.

Now that he’d gotten over the initial shock of seeing Zoe’s name in the letter, the rest of its contents sunk in. This letter was... sad. It was filled with pain, just like Connor was. He sat up suddenly, as he read it for probably the tenth time.

It was a suicide note. 

Connor gritted his teeth, thinking about what he had originally planned to do today. Maybe this was why he had connected with Evan. Maybe they had more in common than Connor realized. 

He picked up his phone, his gut telling him to text Evan, to make sure he was okay. But then he realized he’d never gotten Evan’s number. He sighed and slammed his phone onto the bed in frustration.

 _Oh well_ , he told himself, _it’s not like it’s your problem. Why do you even care? No one ever cared about you when you were-_ He cut the thought off, realizing that wasn’t true. One person HAD cared. He just hadn’t been able to let his walls down enough to open up, hadn’t allowed himself to be vulnerable enough. He’d pushed away the only person who HAD cared. 

He lay back with his head on his pillow, picking his phone up again, hands shaking. He started a new text message, unsure what to say, but wanting to try. Maybe it was his encounter with Evan, giving him the courage to try. He wasn’t sure, but he found himself typing, anyway:

**First day sucked. Miss you.**

He hit send before he could change his mind. 

Minutes went by with no response. Then, the three little dots appeared. He sat up, staring intently at his phone, heart hammering.

They disappeared. Reappeared. Then nothing.

Connor’s heart sank. Ten minutes went by, then fifteen. He dropped his phone onto the bed again. The one person he needed to talk to, and... 

He shook with anger and frustration. He deserved this. This was his fault. He was a shit person. He’d pushed away the only one who cared about him. Why was he such an epic screw up? Why couldn’t he do ANYTHING right, even just once?? His skin felt tight, like a scratchy sweater that had shrunk in the wash. He scratched at his arms, leaving tracks where his nails bit into his flesh, but it wasn’t enough... It wasn’t enough...

He reached into his night table drawer and pulled out the blade he kept there. He stared at it for a while before unclasping his bracelets and seeking the release he needed. The blade bit into his skin, bright red blood welled up, and he let out a hiss of pain, his shoulders relaxing. He stared at the blood welling on his wrist for a long time, letting his mind get lost in memories of last school year, last spring, and of all the ways he’d fucked up.

Finally, when the blood threatened to spill over onto his bed sheets, he grabbed some tissues and pressed them to the wound. If his parents knew he was still cutting, they’d send him back to in-patient therapy. It wasn’t ever deep, anyway, just a way to let the pressure out. It wasn’t a big deal.

Once the bleeding had stopped, he put his chunky bracelets back in place so no one would see the myriad of marks and scars, then fell back on his pillows and closed his eyes.

Two things startled him awake an hour later – his mom calling him to dinner, and his phone chiming that he had a message. He sat up so fast, he fumbled his phone and dropped it on the floor. He grabbed it and opened it – but it wasn’t who he expected.

**Hi, Connor, it’s Evan Hansen. Had fun. Maybe we can hang out again?**

The message brought Connor’s thoughts back to the Evan’s letter. He rubbed sleep and frustration from his eyes, sighing heavily. He stared at the message for a long time.

**Tomorrow. The Autumn Smile apple orchard?**

Connor didn’t know why he suggested the orchard, it had been closed for years, but it was still one of the few places that held happy memories for him. And since it was abandoned, less people would see them together.

Evan’s reply came quickly.

**See you there!**


	3. These Broken Parts Chapter 3

“So, you like my sister.”

They had been at the orchard for about 20 minutes, sitting once again in comfortable silence. Connor was smoking again, Evan just sitting and taking in the view.

Evan jumped when Connor spoke, staring at him for a few minutes before shrugging. “Um.. I guess...”

“You guess?” Connor asked, rolling his eyes. “That’s not what your letter says.”

“No, I know, it’s just...” Evan hesitated. He wasn’t sure how to explain it. He didn’t have any experience with girls, and his feelings for Zoe still confused him. Did he really like her? Or the idea of her? Was it the way she got so lost in the music when she was performing with the jazz band? He’d contemplated this so many times and spent many sleepless nights wondering if what he felt was real or not.

It didn’t help that he’d experienced some of the same thoughts and feelings when he’d looked at – He shook his head hard, throwing the thought out of his mind before it could fully form.

“I just... I don’t know,” he admitted, refusing to look Connor in the eye.

Connor frowned at the anxious boy sitting across from him. If he didn’t know any better... He shrugged the thought away. 

“So, um, what do you, you know, do for fun?”

Evan was clearly trying to change the subject. Connor took a long pull from the joint before he answered.

“Read. Smoke.” He smirked, relaxing back against the tree. “Listen to music.”

Evan nodded, so glad Connor hadn’t pushed him to discuss Zoe. “That’s-yeah, that’s great.”

“You?”

“Oh-.” Evan picked at his shoes and shrugged. “I love trees. I was an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park over the summer.”

Connor couldn’t help but give Evan an incredulous look. “Really. Trees?”

Evan nodded frantically. “Yes. I was climbing a tree when I- My arm...”

“Oh,” Connor replied, nodding, remembering the conversation in the computer lab when he’d offered to sign Evan’s cast – which he’d never actually gotten to do thanks to that stupid letter. He’d been high at the time, and had almost forgotten. “Right, you fell out of a tree.”

“Yeah...” Evan looked distressed, staring hard at his sneakers.

Connor thought about Evan’s letter. Maybe it was because he was high, and being high sometimes made him lose his brain-to-mouth filter. Maybe it was because he saw so much of himself in Evan. Maybe it was because Evan was the first person to not treat him like he was a psychopath. He wasn’t sure, but the words came tumbling out.

“Did you really fall?”

Evan looked up at Connor, his face white as a sheet, panic edging into his eyes. “What? I - yes, of course I-I-I.... Of course I fell, um, why would you, um, ask m-me that?”

Connor held his hands up defensively. “Chill, dude.”

Evan was visibly shaking. “I was c-climbing and I fell. I fell, so... Yeah..”

Connor nodded, thinking about Evan’s letter again, thinking about his reaction to a simple question. He was sure of it now. Evan hadn’t fallen. But he could tell Evan wasn’t ready to talk about it, so he changed the subject.

“What do you like besides trees, and my sister?” His tone was lightly teasing. He didn’t know why he liked teasing Evan so much, but it was fun making the boy blush and stammer.

~*~*~

When Evan got home, he had to endure several minutes of questioning from his mother. He’d lied and told her he was over at Jared Kleinman’s house working on a project – it had been the only way to convince her to let him go somewhere after school when he was grounded. He wasn’t great at lying, and it took a lot of convincing before she believed they had already been given a project on only the second day of school.

But the lie had been worth it. For the first time in a long time, Evan didn’t feel as alone as he usually did. Who would have thought he and Connor Murphy would be hanging out? He didn’t know if he could consider Connor a friend yet, but it felt like they were well on their way, even if no one else had any idea.

As he thought back on their afternoon, his brain couldn’t help but fixate on the fact that Connor had asked him about his fall... Why had he asked about that? What had made him question it? Would he ask again? What would Evan say? Would Connor find out the truth? Would he tell people? 

Evan had to shake the thought away before it led to a panic attack. He grabbed his phone and texted Connor.

**Today was fun. Wanna hang out again?**

A half hour went by with no reply. Evan slumped, his chest tight. Maybe Connor had realized Evan was a loser, and not worth his time. He should have known it was too good to be true...

He barely had any appetite when his mom called him to dinner – a rarity, since she usually worked every night or had class. But after Evan had skipped on his first day of school, she’d wanted to be home tonight. 

“Are you okay, honey? You’ve hardly touched your dinner.”

“Oh-I... Yeah, just.. N-not hungry,” Evan replied flatly, not meeting his mother’s eyes.

“Did something happen?” she asked, concern in her eyes. It was only the second day of school... Could things be taking a turn for the worst already...?

Evan glanced up at her, then back down at his plate. He’d never had a good poker face, and his mother could read him like a book. If he held eye contact, she’d know immediately he was lying.

“No, no, I just... Had a big lunch at school, and then Jared’s mom had snacks for us, so...”  


Heidi wasn’t convinced, but she let it go and changed the subject.

~*~*~

Connor stared at his phone, sighing in frustration. His message from the other day had gone unanswered, and now Evan was messaging him to hang out again. He didn’t know how to reply – he was grounded for a month now, thanks to Zoe, who had ratted him out as he had been trying to sneak back in from the orchard trip.

He knew Evan would interpret anything he said as Connor not wanting to hang out with him anymore. Which was... not true, actually. It shocked the shit out of him to admit it, but he actually enjoyed hanging out with Evan. They mostly just sat in silence, but it was a comfortable silence. And when they did talk, Evan didn’t make him feel like less than. He hung onto every word that came out of Connor’s mouth, like he actually cared. Maybe he really did. Or maybe Evan just wanted a friend so badly that anyone would have done. Maybe it wasn’t about Connor personally, just the idea of having a friend.

Connor gritted his teeth. He hated his mind, hating being alone with his thoughts, hated that his mind twisted everything into something bad. It was exhausting and draining, even more so since he was actually a very logical person, so he KNEW what he was thinking was wrong and stupid, but he couldn’t help it.

After nearly an hour had gone by, Connor picked his phone up again, agonizing over what to say. Finally, he settled on the truth:

**Grounded for the next month for sneaking out today. Rain check?**

He paused, glancing at the calendar. 

**Mark your calendar for October 7?**

Connor hit send, waiting almost ten minutes before the reply came through: 

**Okay**


	4. These Broken Parts Chapter 4

The next month dragged. Evan and Connor had only hung out twice, but Evan felt a connection to Connor that he’d never experienced with anyone else. Life was just a little less lonely with him to talk to.

They exchanged quick looks in the hallway, small nods here and there, but mostly they texted each other. Connor’s parents had taken away his phone and computer, but they didn’t know about the burner phone Connor had secretly purchased back when he was still in boarding school. 

Late at night, when everyone was asleep and there was no risk of his parents or Zoe walking in on him, he’d message Evan to complain about how his day had sucked, or to bitch about something his dad had said or done. He refrained from saying anything bad about Zoe, since Evan liked her – “maybe” – and he didn’t want to hurt Evan by shattering the pedestal he had put Zoe on.

Evan would reply back, sympathizing with Connor where school was concerned. School was like torture for Evan, too. Sure, Alana would talk to him sometimes, but usually about school, and always in that weird way of hers she had, where she always seemed to be trying to one-up him. Maybe she didn’t realize she was doing it, but Evan always felt like he wasn’t succeeding in life because he couldn’t match her ambitiousness. 

And then there was Jared, his “family friend,” who liked to constantly insult him. Having any kind of friend had been enough for Evan before – well, before Connor. He still didn’t know if Connor considered him a friend or not, but Evan considered him more of a true friend than Jared. Jared’s insults got old after awhile, especially with his crass attitude and language, like nothing mattered and everything was a joke.  


One night, about halfway through the Month of Grounding, Evan sat staring at his phone, trying to think of something interesting to tell Connor. Nothing had really happened that day to warrant attention, but Evan wanted to say SOMETHING. He didn’t want a whole night to go by without a message back from Connor.

**I think I want to try smoking pot with you next time**

Evan had no idea what made him say it, since it really wasn’t something he wanted to try. He still just couldn’t figure out what had prompted Connor to start hanging out with him, and worried Connor would get bored of him after awhile if he didn’t do something besides talk about trees.

Connor’s response was immediate, a laughing crying emoji.

Evan blushed. He started to type a reply, but stopped when another message came in from Connor.

**You can try it, but I don’t think you’ll like it.**

Evan sighed, picking loose threads on his comforter. He was such a loser. He didn’t bother replying to Connor, just put his phone down and rolled over, closing his eyes.

~*~*~

Connor couldn’t help the smile that broke out when he read the message from Evan. He couldn’t even imagine Evan getting high. He was so innocent. Instead of getting upset when Evan didn’t reply, Connor just chuckled and put his phone under his pillow. He rolled onto his back and stared up at his ceiling, shaking his head, closing his eyes, and attempting sleep.

~*~*~

At school the next day, Connor couldn’t help the smirk he sent Evan’s way when they made eye contact in the hall. He shook his head and kept walking, despite his desire to stop and tease Evan.

“Why the fuck is Connor Murphy smiling at you like he wants to throttle you?”

“W-w-what?” Evan stammered, looking away from Connor to Jared.

“That dude is a psychopath. Whatever you did, you better watch your back.”

It took everything in him to not snap at Jared, to tell him he didn’t know anything about Connor. Jared would definitely ask too many questions if he did.

“M-maybe he’s j-just high and, um, laughing at, um, something else.”

Jared’s booming laugh made Evan flinch. “You’re such a dumbass, what would you know about being high?”

Evan shrugged, playing with the hem of his shirt. In a few weeks, he’d probably know more about it than Jared did. But he kept his mouth shut and shuffled away.

~*~*~

**C: What was Kleinman laughing like a douchebag at earlier?**

Evan blushed furiously, even though Connor couldn’t see him.

**E: Nothing. You know Jared, he’s an ass.**

**C: True. Speaking of laughing, sorry I laughed at you today. I was thinking about your message from last night. You really wanna try pot?**

**E: I don’t know, I think so?**

**C: Well, I’m not letting you try it if you aren’t sure. I told you, there’s no pressure to try it if you don’t want to.**

**E: You won’t think I’m a loser if I don’t?**

**C: Nope**

Evan sighed, his shoulders relaxing.

~*~*~

“Are you and Jared still hanging out? You haven’t talked about him much lately.”

Evan looked up from his eggs, startled. His mom was staring at him, the expression on her face both hopeful and worried.

“O-oh, um, he’s been, um, busy, so...” Evan stared back at his plate, nibbling tiny bites of food.

Heidi frowned at her son. “Okay, well, don’t forget to keep writing those letters to yourself, okay? Hanging out with Jared more seems to be helping, but those letters are still a great tool for you, you know? You haven’t had a panic attack in awhile, huh?

Evan forced a smile and nodded. It was true, his panic attacks were few and far between. But that had more to do with Connor than Jared. If only Heidi knew that...

...And if only she knew his after-school plans...

“We’re actually, um, what I mean is.. Jared and I have plans a-after school, so..”

It was finally October 7, and Evan was meeting Connor at the orchard. His mind buzzed with excitement. 

“That’s great, honey! That’s so great! Well, I’m working late, so I’ll leave you money in case you boys want to come back here and get food after, okay?”

Evan nodded, ate one more small bite of food – he was too nervous for more than that – and sprang up to grab his bag. 

“T-thanks, mom, see you later!” He practically ran out the door.

~*~*~

School dragged. Evan relished the moments in between class when he spotted Connor, and the few moments when they could make eye contact sustained him through the hell that was high school.

Evan vibrated with nerves and excitement as he watched the clock countdown the last few minutes of class. When the bell rang, he jumped up so fast that everyone stared at him, including the teacher. The attention made him so nervous, he felt a panic attack creeping on – the first one he’d had in a long time. He forced himself to breathe and focus, quickly making his escape.

He and Connor couldn’t leave together – it would create unwanted attention – so he left and headed in the direction of home, then veered off once he was out of sight of the school. 

Connor was already there when Evan arrived, sitting under the tree with an unlit joint in his hand. He nodded at Evan when he sat down across from him.

“You waited for me?” 

Connor shrugged. “I didn’t know if you were actually going to follow through with this, and this stuff does weird things to some people, so I figured I should be the designated driver today.”

Evan gulped. “D-does weird things?”

“Some people get super relaxed, some get super paranoid. Others get all weird, like giggly and shit,” Connor explained, shrugging. 

“O-oh...”

“Seriously, Evan, you don’t have to do this to make me think you’re cool or whatever,” Connor assured him.

“That’s not why I’m doing it,” Evan said quickly, avoiding eye contact with Connor. He said one thing, but his body language said another. 

Connor really didn’t like the idea of Evan getting high. But he was a big boy, and Connor couldn’t stop him if he really wanted to do it.

“Okay, here we go.” Connor lit the joint and handed it to Evan.

Evan held the joint like it was a snake, hand trembling a little. He put it to his lips, hesitated for a minute, then inhaled. He immediately choked on the smoke, coughing and spluttering.

Connor couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, that can happen, too.”

“T-t-thanks for the w-warning,” Evan stuttered, still coughing. 

Connor’s shoulders shook with laughter, as he watched Evan try again and again. 

It didn’t take long for the high to hit him. He was sprawled on his back, giggling up at the sky, pointing out the funny clouds, when Connor decided it was time to get him home so he could sleep it off.

“Are you with it enough to help me get you home?” he asked, grabbing the other boy’s hand and pulling him to his feet.

Evan nodded, still giggling a bit. His eyes were wide, staring around at everything like he was seeing it for the first time.

It took twice as long as it should have, but Evan managed to walk home, Connor beside him, keeping him safe from accidentally stepping into traffic or something.

“Is your mom home?” Connor asked, twitchy at the thought of being caught by Heidi Hansen while dragging in a stoned Evan.

Evan shook his head no, fumbling to get his key out and open the door. Connor deposited him on the couch, then stood there awkwardly, hands in his pockets.

Evan seemed sleepy now, not as giggly as he had been before. He’d be fine in a few hours. When Connor was sure he would be okay, he left, taking Evan’s key with him so he could lock up behind himself.

~*~*~

Evan woke up two hours later, feeling hung-over. He sat up slowly, head pounding, mouth dry and tasting awful. He fumbled to grab his phone to check the time, and saw a message from Connor.

**C: Message me when you get this so I know you’re okay.**

**E: I’m good, just feel... hung-over? Is that a thing? Didn’t think that was a thing with weed.**

**C: For some people, yeah. Just drink lots of water. And shower and wash your clothes, so your mom doesn’t smell it on you.**

**E: Oh, good idea. Uh... I don’t think I’m ever gonna do that again, if that’s okay.**

**C: Of course it’s okay. Sorry I didn’t stay longer, I didn’t know when your mom would be home**

**E: It’s okay, I’m good and she’ll be home in an hour or so. Gonna go wash up and drag my butt to bed. See you tomorrow.**

~*~*~

Connor stared at Evan’s message for a long time. He typed a reply, but quickly deleted it and instead said, **See ya.**

But in his head, the thought remained: _Yes, go ahead and drag your cute butt to bed. Sleep it off, buddy._


	5. These Broken Parts Chapter 5

School was becoming more agonizing for Evan, but not for the usual reasons. It was really hard trying to get through the day without talking to Connor. The more they hung out, the more Evan needed him. 

The thought startled Evan, causing him to drop some combustible chemicals in chemistry. Jared jumped back from the table. When Evan, lost in his thoughts, didn’t react right away, Jared grabbed him by the back of the shirt and yanked him away, seconds before their teacher came over and extinguished the fire.

“What the hell, dude? “Jared snapped.

Evan gulped, shaking his head, glancing at his teacher, then Jared, then around at the rest of the other students.

“S-s-sorry... It-it, um, it slipped.”

~*~*~

“Would you stop laughing at me? It wasn’t funny!!” But Evan himself couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.

“Sorry, it’s just... I would have paid good money to see that. I mean, I’m glad no one was hurt, but...”

“Thanks, add to my humiliation,” Evan replied, rolling his eyes to soften the blow of his words.

Connor chuckled. “Sorry, dude.” He went to take another pull from the joint he was smoking, but Evan grabbed it from him and took a long drag, only coughing a little bit this time. “Hey, I thought you didn’t want to smoke again after last time?”

“It was a shitty day,” Evan replied with a shrug.

“You know, you don’t stutter as much as you used to,” Connor remarked.

“Oh... Yeah. I guess.. Um, I guess I’ve just... gotten... Um...” He didn’t want to say comfortable, but that’s exactly what it was. He felt comfortable and safe around Connor. Connor didn’t make him feel stupid, or like he was weird for the things he liked, or the way he said things.

Connor just nodded, showing he understand, even without Evan saying anything. 

“So, any girls in our class you like?” Evan suddenly blurted. 

Connor frowned at him. “Why would you ask me that?”

Evan swallowed, his throat suddenly dry. “Oh-um.. I-I don’t know. I just, um, I just..”

The stuttering was back. Connor could tell he was nervous as hell. But instead of assuring him it was cool, Connor waited for Evan to speak again.

Evan shrugged, staring at the ground, refusing to make eye contact with Connor.

“Well, I guess because – because I... I-I don’t know.. I was... Just.. Curious?” 

Connor stared at him for a long time, letting the silence stretch until he was sure Evan wasn’t going to say anything more. He had noticed some things over the last few weeks, but he wasn’t sure if he was reading Evan right or not. He hoped to hell he was... 

“No, there aren’t any girls I like right now. I think there’s a guy I like, though...”

Evan looked up, startled. “You-“

Connor nodded. “I like guys. Girls, too, I guess. But mostly guys.”

Evan didn’t know what to say. For the first time in his life, he couldn’t seem to look away. He usually avoided eye contact with everyone as much as possible, but in that moment, he couldn’t break eye contact with the boy sitting across from him.

Connor didn’t know what made him do it. He wasn’t usually this bold, didn’t allow himself to do anything that put him in a vulnerable position. Not since... Well, that was a long time ago now. And he needed to know if he was right or not...

So, he leaned forward quickly and kissed Evan. It wasn’t some long, drawn out thing, just a quick kiss before he pulled away.

Evan was frozen, staring at Connor with wide, shocked eyes. Evan suddenly jumped to his feet. “I... Um... I have to go..” And he ran.

Connor watched him go, heart sinking. So, he’d been wrong then. He sighed, flicked the joint as far as it would go, then slowly trudged home.

~*~*~

Evan sat on his bed, hours later, still pondering the night’s events, rubbing a finger along his lips. Thoughts were flashing through his mind at hyper-speed.  


Connor had kissed him.

Connor liked boys.

Did Connor like him?

But Evan liked girls, didn’t he?

Evan liked Zoe.

Evan had liked Connor’s kiss.

How could he like Connor’s kiss, and like Zoe?

Did he really like Zoe?

Did he like Connor?

Evan flopped onto his stomach and buried his face in his pillow, trying to calm the thoughts racing through his head, trying to breathe. Trying to process everything he was thinking and feeling. 

He lay there with his head in his pillow for so long that when he finally sat up, the bright light of his room sent starbursts flashing across his vision. He gripped his sheets, his breath coming quickly now. 

He liked Connor. He’d liked Connor’s kiss.

~*~*~

Connor dropped the razor blade and pressed a tissue to his wrist. After Evan’s rejection, he’d needed the release. He had been stupid to kiss the other boy without being completely sure. Now he’d lost the only friend he had.

He still wasn’t sure what had made him do it. His growing attraction for Evan had been like a slow burn. He wasn’t even sure when feelings of friendship had gone to feelings of more. All he knew was he shouldn’t have acted on those feelings. He was such an idiot.

He was re-clasping his bracelet when his phone chimed with a message.

**E: Meet me?**

Connor tensed, his brain buzzing. He almost said no. He didn’t feel like being rejected in person - again. A text message would suffice. But then a small part of him couldn’t help but feel a flicker of hope. Even if Evan didn’t like him that way, maybe he was at least going to say he didn’t hate Connor for kissing him, and they could still hang out. It wouldn’t be the same, but..

**C: The park?**

**E: See you soon.**

~*~*~

Connor locked his bedroom door, fluffed some pillows into place under his blankets, and climbed out his window. He was itching to smoke a joint on his walk over. Being high would make it easier to bear the weight of rejection, if that’s what this was. But he refrained, wanting a clear head.

He got to the park first. He stood leaning against a tree, too anxious to sit. He played with his bracelets, his fingers scratching the skin underneath. Warm blood suddenly coated his fingers and dripped down his arm.

“Shit,” he snarled, trying to wipe it away quickly, putting pressure on it to make it stop. But he’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit that the warm flow of blood comforted him. It served as a reminder that he was fragile and could easily be broken. 

He finally managed to clean up all the blood, just as a twig snapped and he looked up to find Evan standing before him, looking the most anxious Connor had seen him in a long time.

“Hi,” Connor said softly.

“H-hi,” Evan replied, shifting from one foot to the other.

There was another long silence. Connor didn’t know how much longer he could tolerate it.

“Look, Evan, just-”

Evan held a hand up to stop him. 

“I’m sorry that I, um, ran away earlier. I- you just surprised me, is all.”

Connor nodded. “Kinda surprised myself, too, to be honest.”

Evan nodded, chewing at his lip. “I- um, I don’t really...”

“It’s fine,” Connor said quickly, waving him off. “Don’t worry, just forget it happened.” He looked away, pulling a joint from his pocket. “No hard feelings,” he said, his tone light and airy, but his hands were shaking while he struggled to get his lighter to work.

“Connor.”

Connor bit the joint between his lips, closing his eyes and counting to three. Then he looked back up at Evan.

“I don’t want to forget about it.”

Connor slowly pulled the joint out of his mouth and pocketed it and the lighter again.

“Oh?” was all he managed to say.

Evan hesitated before nodding. “I, um, I don’t really know... I didn’t think...” He paused, trying to find the right words. “I don’t really know how to process what I’m... feeling... yet. So, um, just... be patient with me, okay? I just.. I don’t really understand this yet..”

Connor couldn’t help the hope blooming in his chest – the first time he’d felt this way in a long time.

“This is... I never thought I was....” Evan couldn’t bring himself to say it, so he shrugged. “So, I just need some time to... accept it. But... I don’t regret the... the kiss.”

Connor nodded. He didn’t know what to say. He was relieved that he hadn’t ruined his friendship with Evan, hopeful that maybe they could become something more, but still holding back so he wouldn’t get hurt if Evan realized he didn’t actually like him that way.

Evan must have seen something in Connor’s eyes, because he stepped a little closer. “Please don’t let your mind twist this into something it isn’t. I just need time to figure my thoughts out. We’re still friends, right?”

Connor forced himself to smile and nod, though inside his heart was breaking and his mind was shouting at him for being so stupid.

~*~*~

They went three days without talking at all, or hanging out. Connor even avoided making eye contact with Evan at school, only staring up at him when he was sure Evan couldn’t see him. He didn’t want to push Evan, or make him feel uncomfortable. Whatever he decided, Connor wanted it to be genuine, not forced because Connor pressured him.

But not talking to Evan made school unbearable again, and after four days of not talking to the boy he had feelings for, Connor couldn’t take it anymore. Instead of going to school, he headed to the orchard. It was the first time he’d come without Evan. He sat under their favorite tree and stared around. It was end of October, almost November, so the trees were bare of leaves. They looked dead – exactly how Connor felt on the inside.

He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the tree, trying to quiet the noises in his head. He didn’t realize how tired he was – he hadn’t slept well the last few days. But he must have been exhausted, because the next thing he knew, someone’s hand was on his shoulder, startling him awake.

“Whoa, it’s just me!” Evan cried, stepping out of the reach of Connor’s swinging fist.

“Oh, sorry,” Connor said sheepishly. “I guess I fell asleep...”

Evan sat down across from him, shrugging it away. “It’s fine, I shouldn’t have, you know, snuck up on you.”

Connor shifted a little closer to Evan, trying not to get lost in the sea of hope he was feeling. Evan wouldn’t be here if he didn’t want to be, right? He wouldn’t show up if he didn’t like Connor, right? Or at least want to be his friend?

“I’m still not exactly sure what I, um, what I... am? But.. All I know is, I like being around you. You make me feel... Safe? Um, safe and... like I’m not stupid or broken for the way that I am. So...” Evan shrugged, looking down at his shoes. “And I, um, when you... When you kissed me, it was, um, really... nice.”

Connor felt like fireworks were going off in his chest. The small feeling of hope bloomed into a joy that he hadn’t experienced since last spring. 

“But, um, just... Be patient with me? This is... really new for me,” Evan added, finally looking Connor in the eye again.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way,” Connor replied. “I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable or pushed into anything, okay? I remember what it was like when I first realized... So, whatever you’re comfortable with, okay?”

Evan smiled shyly and nodded. “Y-yeah, that... Yes.”

“So...” Connor swallowed hard. “Can I... kiss you?”

Evan looked uncertain for a second, but what better way to find out how he actually felt than another kiss? So, he nodded.

Connor leaned in for a quick kiss – just like the first one, quick and soft and gentle.

When he pulled back, Evan was smiling.

~*~*~

Connor was on cloud nine when he got home. He didn’t even care when his mom yelled at him for skipping school again, just smiled and shrugged.

“What... Are you high??” Cynthia Murphy demanded.

“Nope,” he replied with another shrug, still smiling. 

Cynthia was so startled, she didn’t even punish him, just let him escape upstairs.


	6. These Broken Parts Chapter 6

October melted into November. With it came colder weather, which made it harder for Connor and Evan to hang out at the orchard. Since Heidi worked one overnight shift a week, Evan decided his house would be the best place for them to hang out during the colder months. They’d have more privacy there than anywhere else. The idea both thrilled and terrified Evan. He’d never really had anyone over to his house before, especially someone he liked...

Connor paid the pizza delivery boy then brought the box back to the coffee table. Evan came in from the kitchen, plates and napkins in hand. He set them down then went back for soda and glasses.

Connor was already wolfing down his second slice when Evan finally sat. He couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.

“What?” Connor demanded, mouth full of pizza. 

“Nothing,” Evan replied with a chuckle. “You just act like you’ve never eaten pizza before."

“Not in a long time. Our mom is always going through these weird phases where she tries a new homeopathic something or other to try to ‘cure’ me. Like not eating pizza will fix my depression,” he said with an eye roll.

Evan nodded, sympathizing. “My mom seems to think doctors and pills will cure me, so.. But at least I still get to eat whatever I want.” 

“Lucky you,” Connor replied through a mouthful of his third slice of pizza.

“Connor...”

Connor swallowed the food in his mouth and set down the rest of his slice, sensing something in Evan’s tone that demanded his full attention.

“I didn’t... Um... I didn’t fall.”

Connor nodded, understanding immediately what Evan meant. “I know.”

It was weird, admitting it. Evan didn’t know if he felt relieved that someone knew, or ashamed that he’d admitted it to someone – specifically, to Connor. His feelings were at war, and he felt a panic attack pushing through, tears welling in his eyes.

Without hesitation, Connor scooted closer to Evan, and put an arm around him. Evan started to pull back, startled by the gesture, but then he sunk into it, into Connor. Connor held him until his breathing slowed and the tears stopped.

“We don’t have to talk about it, not until you’re ready,” Connor finally said, running a hand up and down Evan’s arm. “Let’s just turn on a movie and enjoy our pizza, okay?”

Evan nodded against Connor’s shoulder. Connor turned on the TV, and they fell back into their usual comfortable silence.

~*~*~

“You’ve been acting weird lately.”

Connor looked up at Zoe, who was leaning against his doorframe, a suspicious look on her face.

“Fuck off,” he replied cheerfully, a grin on his face, waving her off and going back to reading his book.

“Dick,” she spit back at him.

“Love you, too, sis,” he called after her as she stalked to her room and slammed her door.

Cynthia appeared in his doorway. “What are you two fighting about now?” she asked, exasperated. 

Connor shrugged, eyes trained on his book as he casually turned the page.

“Is.. Connor, is there anything you want to talk about?”

Connor finally lowered his book, looking at his mom over the top. “No?”

Cynthia nodded, but couldn’t help this nagging feeling. Connor had seemed... Well... happier lately. But she couldn’t figure out why. He was skipping class less, getting in trouble less, and... He was smiling more.

She didn’t want to question it, didn’t want to push Connor to talk to her, but she just felt so... relieved... She felt like her son was coming back to her, slowly but surely.

~*~*~  


“So... what made you talk to me that day?”

Connor looked up from his Chinese food, confusion in his eyes.

It had become their Thursday night tradition to go to Evan’s, order in food, and watch movies. 

They’d been doing this for roughly a month and a half, though they’d had to miss a week for Thanksgiving break. Connor’s family had dragged him on an out-of-state trip to visit extended family. They’d texted every day, but not seeing each other had been hard. Connor had withdrawn into himself again, a defense mechanism against the jabs his father sent his way every time he didn’t want to join in on the “fun family activities” or snapped at his sister, or wasn’t polite to his grandparents. 

The first chance he got, once home, he met Evan at the orchard and drew him in for their first long, passionate kiss. When they pulled apart, Evan looked shocked, but ended up breaking into a smile, which made Connor smile for the first time in over a week.

Now, it was early December, and they had finally been able to resume their Thursday night dates. 

“That first day at school, when you approached me in the computer lab... What made you do it..?

Connor frowned, not wanting to be reminded of his behavior – or mental state – that day. 

“I... I don’t know. I just... I mean, I felt bad for pushing you. I really didn’t mean to. I was just having a really fucked up day, and Kleinman’s bullshit just pushed me over the edge. I’d seen you around at school, and I think I knew that you were struggling same as I was, so I felt.. I felt bad, but I also felt like.. Maybe, I don’t know, maybe we could be friends or something. But then I saw your letter and...” Connor paused, shaking his head and shoving his hair out of his face. “I thought you were trying to set me up, you know? I thought you were being a creeper and trying to make me look crazy. I should have known better, you never seemed the type to do shit like that.”

Evan pressed his lips together, not wanting to interrupt. He was afraid if he interrupted now, Connor would never open up again.

“I was planning on skipping school, on going home and-” He cut the words off before they could escape him. He wasn’t ready to tell Evan that he had planned on killing himself, not yet. “But I’m really glad you came after me. Really, really glad.”

“I am, too,” Evan replied with a smile. He let Connor lean in and kiss him. He wasn’t yet ready to initiate kisses, was still too embarrassed and shy about it. It felt too bold for someone who had tried to stay as invisible as possible for most of his life. But he never minded when Connor kissed him, and it never failed to make him smile.


	7. These Broken Parts Chapter 7

The end of December came quickly. Christmas break was agonizing, since Connor was forced to go on his annual family ski trip. But he and Evan had plans to spend New Year’s Eve together, since Heidi would have to pull yet another double. Her shift started later than usual, so Evan had told Connor to come over around 8pm. Evan had slowly been stockpiling snacks, telling Heidi he was having Jared over for the night to play video games, watch movies, and countdown to midnight.

“Shit, I’m running late” Heidi grumbled, running around frantically. Evan glanced nervously at the clock – it was already 7:45. He’d tried texting Connor to warn him, but he hadn’t heard back yet.

Ten more minutes went by. Finally, Heidi was ready to go. Evan kept texting Connor, but there was no reply. “Shit,” he mumbled, jumping when Heidi’s voice startled him from his panic. 

“Money’s on the table if you boys want to order real food instead of just having snacks, and I’ll try to stay in touch. Be safe and have fun! Tell Jared I said hi!”

Evan waved her off as she ran out the front door. When she went to get in her car, she noticed someone standing, frozen, at the end of the driveway.

“Can I help you?”

Connor gulped, scratching at his wrists in panic. “I... Oh... Sorry, wrong house. Must have... spaced out.. Sorry...” He quickly hurried down the driveway and walked a few houses down. 

Heidi frowned after him, but a glance at her watch had her cursing under her breath, getting in her car, and quickly driving away.

Connor waited ten minutes before running quickly to Evan’s door and knocking. The door opened immediately, and Evan ushered him in, closing and locking it behind him.

“What the hell, dude?” Connor asked, eyes wide in question. 

“She was running late – I texted you!”

Connor checked his phone. “Shit, it was on silent so my parents wouldn’t hear it and discover I had a second phone. I failed that English test, so they took my other one away to ‘punish’ me.”

“How do you fail an English test with how much you love reading?” Evan questioned.

Connor shrugged. “I dunno, it just... School bores me. The teachers all think I’m some loser stoner anyway, so why bother?”

“And you don’t ever want to, you know, change their minds about you, maybe?”

Connor laughed cynically. “Oh, Evan, you’re so optimistic and innocent.”

“I’m really not,” Evan rolled his eyes. “But okay.”

Connor helped Evan get all the snacks and drinks set up on the coffee table. They sat beside each other, putting the TV on and mindlessly flipping channels. As the night wore on, Evan found himself leaning into Connor more and more, until he’d turned Connor into his own personal pillow. He didn’t even protest when Connor grabbed his hand and held on, using the other hand to flip channels.

After an hour of eating nothing but junk food, Connor called in a pizza order for them. When the food arrived and Connor got up to go get it, Evan felt his absence more greatly than he thought he would, even though he was only gone for a few minutes. He was shivering a little from the lack of Connor’s body heat, too. Connor must have noticed, because when he came back and set the pizza box down before them, he took off his hoodie and handed it to Evan, who snuggled into it gratefully. It smelled like weed and whatever body spray Connor used to try to hide the smell of weed. 

Connor settled back on the couch and went back to flipping channels until he found a zombie movie. He went to set the remote down, but Evan grabbed his wrist to stop him. Connor jerked away, startled. He didn’t like anyone touching his wrists, even though his bracelets covered them. He especially didn’t want Evan touching them and accidentally discovering his secret.

“S-sorry,” Evan said, putting space between him and Connor. “I-I just, um... d-don’t like zombie movies.”

“Really?” Connor asked, quirking a brow in question. 

“T-t-they freak m-me out...” Evan admitted reluctantly, covering his eyes so he wouldn’t have to see what was happening on the TV.

“Okay then,” Connor said with a shrug. He was about to turn the channel when Evan peaked out from between his fingers, happened to see a particularly gory scene, and threw himself into Connor’s side, shaking.

Connor blinked, shocked. He put an arm around Evan and held him close. Damn if it didn’t feel nice to hold this cute, anxious boy...

“Well, if this is how you’re going to react for the whole movie..” Connor said teasingly, putting the remote down and settling back against the cushions, Evan tucked into his side.

Evan glanced up at Connor, avoiding the TV at all costs. His mouth dropped open when Connor smirked at him innocently, shrugging. 

“Mean!” Evan whined, softening his tone so Connor would know he was joking. A snarl from the TV had Evan ducking his head into Connor’s chest again.

Connor snickered. “Okay, okay,” he said reluctantly, picking the remote up and changing the channel. He felt Evan’s trembling subside, but he still didn’t pull away from Connor, just shifted so he could see the TV again.

“So you can watch this-“ Connor remarked, gesturing at the alien movie he’d turned to, “but not zombies?”

“Horror movies are fine as long as there are no zombies involved,” Evan admitted. 

“Okay, then. Noted,” Connor replied.

~*~*~

At roughly ten to midnight, Connor gently shook Evan awake. He’d fallen asleep about an hour ago, and Connor hadn’t had the heart to wake him. But he didn’t want him to miss the ball drop.

Evan rubbed his blurry eyes, feeling warm and safe in Connor’s arms – and his hoodie. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt this safe.

With one minute till the ball drop, Evan felt his heart thump in anticipation. Would Connor give him a midnight kiss? He’d never had anyone to celebrate New Year’s with.

The official countdown began. Evan scooted closer to Connor, who glanced at him with a smile.

Ten. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four.

Connor leaned closer. Evan’s heart pounded in his ears.

Three. Two. One.

“Happy New Year!” Evan cried, as Connor leaned in and cupped his cheek, kissing him. Evan fell into the kiss. When Connor finally pulled back, both boys were smiling at each other.

~*~*~

After another hour of stuffing their faces with pizza and snacks, and mindlessly watching TV, they both fell asleep. When Connor woke up, blinking blearily at the clock, he realized it was almost 8am.

“Shit,” he sighed, nudging Evan, who was asleep with his head in Connor’s lap. Evan groaned, reluctantly sitting up.

“Ev, I should go. Your mom will be home in two hours and my parents will be beating down my door soon, thinking I’m stoned out of my mind or worse.”

Evan pouted, but nodded. He walked Connor to the door, reluctantly unzipping Connor’s hoodie, but Connor waved him off. “I have another at home, it’s fine.”

He kissed Evan goodbye and left, the cold waking him up. He rubbed his arms and lit a joint, puffing it as he walked, his mind replaying their night. He couldn’t believe what an amazing night it had been.

~*~*~

“Dude, is that... What the fuck are you wearing? Is that Connor Murphy’s sweatshirt...?” Jared asked Evan abruptly, upon arriving at Evan’s locker two days later.

“What?!?” Evan jumped, fumbling his textbooks but, thankfully, managing not to drop them. It was their first day back to school since the Christmas/New Year’s break. Evan had gone back-and-forth on whether or not to wear the hoodie, but he hadn’t been able to take it off since Connor let him keep it. So, he’d worn it. He was realizing what a big mistake that was now.

He avoided eye contact with Jared, pretending he was still rifling through his locker. “N-no, of course not,” he lied. “What – why would I have Connor Murphy’s – Um, my mom got it... F-from the-the A-Army/Navy S-Surplus, so...”

Jared shook his head “Suuuureeeee, she just HAPPENED to find the exact same sweatshirt as stoner boy?”

“I-um.. yes?” 

“Sure.” Jared leaned against the lockers, crossing his arms. “So, funny story, my mom ran into your mom at the supermarket, and your mom asked if we had fun hanging out on New Year’s Eve. Weird, right?”

Evan choked back a cry, looking up with panicked eyes at Jared, then back down at his locker. “Oh... I- that’s really weird, haha...” He quickly slammed his locker and mumbled something about class, making a getaway, his heart pounding. He could feel Jared’s eyes on his back the whole time he walked away.

~*~*~

That night, Evan was texting with Connor when his mom knocked at his door, startling him. He shoved his phone into his pocket, but he couldn’t wipe the goofy smile off his face quickly enough.

“What’s got you so happy?” Heidi questioned, smiling at her son. She hadn’t seen him this happy in a long time. 

Evan shrugged, looking down.

“Okay, okay, I get it, I’m your mom, you can’t tell me. It’s just nice to see you smile, bud.”

Evan looked back up at her, nodding. “I’m kinda tired, so...” He wanted her to leave so he could go back to messaging Connor.

“Right, I’m sure. You’re so busy now, spending so much time at school with those clubs you joined, and with Jared working on projects – you’ve got quite the social life now!” She paused here, waiting to see if he’d fess up about New Year’s Eve and the fact that he had not, in fact, had Jared over.

“Mhm,” Evan mumbled, not meeting her eyes. On warmer days, when there wasn’t any snow on the ground, Connor and Evan still met a few days a week at the orchard, because only hanging out one day a week at Evan’s house just wasn’t enough. Lying about joining clubs and studying with Jared was the only way Evan could manage to sneak off to see Connor without being questioned.

“Well,” Heidi finally said, when it became clear Evan wasn’t going to be honest with her. “I just wanted to let you know that the hospital changed my schedule – starting next week, I don’t have to work any overnights for awhile, so we can actually spend some time together!” What she didn’t say was that she had ASKED for the schedule change, so she could try to keep a better eye on her son and figure out what, exactly, he was hiding.

Evan couldn’t help the horrified look on his face.

“Oh, am I that horrible that the idea of spending time with me makes you cringe?” Heidi asked, half-joking. But his reaction just added to her belief that he was hiding something.

“N-no, it’s not... That’s great, mom.”

Heidi forced a smile, but she could tell Evan was upset about this news. She just didn’t understand why, couldn’t figure out what he could possibly be hiding.

“Okay, well, get some sleep... Love you.”

“Love you, too,” Evan replied, sinking into his pillows as she disappeared down the hall.


	8. These Broken Parts Chapter 8

The following Tuesday, Evan found himself knocking on Connor’s front door, shuffling nervously. With Evan’s mom home on Thursday nights now, they’d had to create a Plan B for spending time alone. More often than not, it was still too cold to go to the Orchard, and now there was snow coating the ground.

On Tuesday’s, Connor’s dad traveled overnight for work, Zoe usually had jazz band rehearsal until late and often went to a friends house after, and Cynthia met with her book club at the country club. 

It was riskier, being at Connor’s. Anyone could come home at any minute. But they didn’t have any other option for now. Connor had skipped his last two periods, too anxious at the idea of Evan coming over to his house for the first time to sit through any more lectures. It also gave him the opportunity to be sure they had the house to themselves. He waited until he knew school was over, then texted Evan to come over. 

Evan only had to wait a minute before the door was pulled open and Connor greeted him with a smile and a kiss. 

“Hey,” he said, pulling Evan inside and locking the door. “Let’s go up to my room. Worst case scenario, if someone comes home, you can climb out the window.”

“I can what?” Evan asked, his voice rising in panic.

Connor laughed, dragging him upstairs. Evan couldn’t believe how big this house was...

And then they were in Connor’s room. It was messy, with clothes everywhere, posters covering the walls, and a bookshelf over-flowing with books. The bed sheets were rumpled, and his desk was so covered with books and papers that you almost couldn’t see the computer. It was the opposite of Evan’s room, and it was perfect. 

They ordered pizza, and settled on Connor’s bed to watch a movie. It was kind of weird hanging out in broad daylight on Connor’s bed – very different from their nightly dates at Evan’s house. But it was also really nice. Hanging out in broad daylight made it feel less like they were sneaking around, and more like what they had was real. 

When the movie was done, Connor turned the TV off and tossed the half-empty pizza box and plates to the floor. He shifted positions on the bed, so he was sprawled out on his back with his head on the pillow. He patted the space beside him, encouraging Evan to lay with him, which he did immediately. He rested his head on Connor’s chest, threw an arm over Connor’s stomach and tangled his legs with Connor’s. Connor smiled at the ease with which Evan snuggled with him now – something he hadn’t been as comfortable doing just a month ago. 

It still surprised Connor that this nice, awkward, anxious boy liked him. Wasn’t afraid of him. Wanted to spend time with him. And it didn’t even bother him that no one else knew yet. It was still new for Evan - Connor had been there, done that, with Miguel (who’s name he could now think without flinching, though he still hadn’t said it out loud to anyone), but Evan was still adjusting to the idea that he liked boys. Connor didn’t mind, life was easier when it was just the two of them, anyway.

“Do you want to watch another movie, or go do something? Or are we just gonna lay here all day? Not that I mind this,” Evan said with a grin, closing his eyes and letting out a contented sigh.

“Nah, we have the house to ourselves for another few hours. No one will bother us. It’s kinda nice to just...”

Connor felt Evan nod his head. They were quiet for a long time. At some point, Connor could hear Evan snoring lightly. He smiled, letting himself relax, letting his eyes drift closed.

~*~*~

Connor’s door banged open, startling Connor and Evan awake.

“CONNOR MURPHY, YOU BETTER HAVE A GOOD REASON FOR- Oh...”

Connor and Evan sprang apart, eyes wide at the sight of Cynthia Murphy in the doorway.

No one spoke. No one moved.

Suddenly, Evan started mumbling something that sounded like needing to get home, and he bolted. Cynthia was so shocked, she didn’t even try to stop him.

Connor, however, was another story. When he tried to run after Evan, she grabbed for his arm.

“Connor!”

Connor couldn’t look his mother in the eye. He obviously wasn’t out to his parents or sister, had never brought anyone home. Hell, they didn’t even know him and Evan were friends, let alone more than that. He didn’t know how his mother would react.

Truthfully, he wanted to believe his mother would understand. Maybe she already knew. All those stories he read online said that mothers always knew - they had “a mother’s intuition.” But Connor was too scared to look her in the eye, too afraid to see disgust or rejection.

“Connor, you’re shaking-“

He pulled free from his mother and ran. He could hear her calling his name, but he didn’t stop until he was outside. He looked around frantically for Evan, but didn’t see him anywhere. He heard his mom’s voice getting closer again, and he bolted. He didn’t slow until he was several blocks away, closer to the park than his house.

He pawed his pocket for his phone and texted Evan, his hands trembling.

**Evan, I’m sorry.**

**Are you okay? Did you go home? I’ll come to you.**

**Evan, please answer me**

Nothing.

Connor slumped his shoulders and started walking again. He lost himself in the park until he was so exhausted, he couldn’t walk any further. He sat heavily under a tree, staring into space for so long that it began to grow dark out.

His phone beeped and he jumped, heart thumping, but it was just his mom, begging him to come home. He ignored her.

He had just ruined the best thing he had going in his life. Evan had expressed so many times his fear of people knowing he was gay - it was still too new for him, he was still getting used to it himself. He wasn’t ready to tell other people yet. And now someone knew.

~*~*~

Evan ran all the way home, all the way up to his room, before collapsing on his bed, his back to his door. He was shaking and sweating and trying to fight off a panic attack.

Connor had told him so many times that his parents wouldn’t approve of their relationship - or, well, his dad wouldn’t. But what about his mom? Connor hadn’t really had an answer for that. And now she knew about them. Or, didn’t really know for sure, but she would draw her own conclusions. What if she told Mr. Murphy? What if they told his mom? How would Heidi react?

“Evan?”

It could have been minutes later, it could have been hours later, Evan had no idea. But the sound of his mom’s voice drew him from his thoughts.

She must have come closer, because he suddenly felt her hand on his arm. He jumped, shaking, pulling away.

“Evan, what is it?? What’s wrong? Are you hurt? Honey, talk to me!”

The panic in her voice put him over the edge. He sat up, spun around, and fell into her arms, sobbing, a full-blown panic attack finally engulfing him. His chest felt tight, he couldn’t breathe. He was hyperventilating. His vision went black at the edges. He tried to catch himself before he fell, but it was too late.

Heidi held him, shushing him and rubbing his back, murmuring as many calming words as she could.

~*~*~

Sunlight streamed in through his window, startling him awake. Evan sat up, feeling like he’d been beaten up. Everything hurt. That was always how it felt for him after a panic attack - it was so, so draining.

He smelled breakfast cooking downstairs, and slowly stood, trying to fix his wrinkled clothes. He knew he’d have to face his mom eventually. So, reluctantly, he shuffled downstairs.

Heidi watched him without saying a word. She continued cooking as he sat heavily at the table, looking worse than she ever remembered seeing him. Inside, she was terrified for her son, wondering what could have set him off so badly when he seemed to have been doing better the last few months. She wondered if it had to do with whatever he had been hiding, or if it was completely unrelated to anything. Sometimes, nothing at all would be wrong, but Evan would get a panic attack out of nowhere. Maybe it was just that.

But she didn’t say anything. Just spread breakfast out onto two plates and sat down across from him, setting a plate before him and pouring them both orange juice.

Neither touched their food. Heidi stared at Evan, and Evan stared at his eggs, picking at his cuticles and tugging his shirt.

“Evan.”

Her voice startled him so much, he jumped and glanced at her quickly before looking back down.

“Evan, it’s okay. You’re safe. Whatever it is, you’re safe.”

As much as she wanted to know what was bothering him, she wouldn’t push. He looked like a deer in headlights, ready to run if provoked. She didn’t want him to run.

Evan glanced up at her again, then quickly back down. He fiddled with his sweatshirt sleeve, opened his mouth, shut it again. He didn’t know what to say or how to say it or how to start. After several minutes of silence, he tried again.

“Mom...”

She glanced up, waiting patiently, nodding her encouragement.

He cleared his throat and looked down again. “Mom, I’m... I mean... I, um...”

The phone rang. Evan jumped out of his skin.

“It’s okay, honey, it’s okay.” She was tempted to let it ring, to try to get him to speak again. But he kept staring at the ringing phone like it was a live-wire, ready to burn him, so she stood and snatched the phone up, already hating whoever was calling and interrupting them.

“Hello? .... I’m sorry, who are you? .... Why would you think... I understand, Mrs. Murphy, but I need you to calm-“

Evan nearly fell out of his chair when he heard Mrs. Murphy’s name.

“How long has he been missing? Well, shouldn’t you be calling the cops? I see...”

Missing? Evan thought, eyes going wide. Connor was missing? He barely registered what he was doing, barely realized he had stood and was running. He was halfway down the driveway before he realized his mom was screaming his name, but he didn’t care.

He had ignored Connor’s messages. If Connor was hurt because of him.... He couldn’t even finish the thought. He just ran blindly, his feet knowing exactly where to take him. It was probably the fastest he had run, ever, in his life.

When he reached their tree, when he saw Connor slumped under it, he nearly screamed. He choked it down, running to Connor’s side, collapsing to his knees before the other boy.

“Connor! Connor, wake up!”

Slowly, Connor’s eyes drifted open. They looked red and puffy. Was he high?? Was he overdosing? Evan had no clue what that looked like.

“Evan?” Connor slowly sat up. “What are you doing here?”

Evan was so relieved that Connor had simply been sleeping, and not dead, that he fell into him and kissed him – a long, passionate kiss. He was trembling when he pulled back, both from the fear and panic, and from the shock of what he’d just done. It was the first time he’d ever initiated a kiss.

Connor stared at the anxious boy with wide, shocked eyes. He grabbed Evan’s hand and held tight. “Hey, it’s okay, I’m okay. What’s wrong? What happened?”

“It’s morning. You-you didn’t g-go home last night. Y-y-your mom called m-mine this morning...” His panic was so great that Evan’s stutter was the worst it had been in months.

Connor was now fully awake, heart hammering against his chest.

“Why? How? How did she get your number? What did she say?”

Evan shook his head frantically. “I-I ran. I didn’t wait to see what w-was said. I heard you were m-missing and I-I ran. I don’t... I-I don’t know what they said...”

“Fuck, Evan, this is all my fault.”

“It’s not. We-We both fell asleep. I panicked. I just... I panicked.”

They were both silent for a long time.

Evan fought to control his panic, fought to push back the stutter, to speak calmly and clearly.

“You should ... You should let your mom know you’re not-not dead... she, um, she sounded really worried.”

Connor sighed deeply, not believing for a second Cynthia was worried. Angry, more like. But he pulled his phone out and texted her.

**I’m not dead, you can stop calling people. Tell me you didn’t fucking tell Evan’s mom.**

He didn’t go into any more detail than that. He didn’t know what to say or how to say it, didn’t know what his mom suspected or thought about what she’d seen.

The reply came fast:

**Mrs. M: Watch your language, young man! I was so worried about you! No, I didn’t tell Mrs. Hansen anything. It isn’t my place. It’s Evan’s place to tell her when he’s ready.**

Connor slumped, deflating in relief. He showed the phone to Evan, who finally let out the panicked sob he’d been holding back, collapsing next to Connor. Connor put his arm around Evan.

Another beep. Connor looked at his phone. His mom again: **Please come home. Please talk to me.**

It was like his mother could sense him shaking his head, because she messaged him again and said: **your father is still away on business and Zoe is staying over at a friend’s house tonight. It will just be us.**

Connor chewed the inside of his cheek, a bad habit he’d picked up a long time ago - though not his worst habit, that was for sure. But sometimes he bit so hard, he bled.

Evan was staring at the phone, running lazy circles along Connor’s arm, trying to comfort him.

“Will... um... will you come with me?” Connor asked quietly, embarrassed to even ask. But he felt Evan nod, and he immediately felt better.


	9. These Broken Parts Chapter 9

The second the door closed behind them, Cynthia Murphy came running in from the kitchen, grabbing Connor in a fierce hug. It felt so nice, so genuine, so... comforting. For the first time in years, Connor sank into his mom’s hug and didn’t let go for a full minute. When he finally pulled away, he found Cynthia crying.

“I was so worried when you didn’t come home, after the last time... I just... I imagined the worst....”

Connor actually felt guilty for letting her worry. He mumbled an apology - his first sincere one in so long, it felt foreign on his tongue.

Cynthia hugged him again before finally letting go and stepping back. She stared at him for a long time, looking between him and Evan both. Connor could sense how uncomfortable Evan was, how much he wanted to flee.

And then Cynthia surprised them both. She reached forward and hugged Evan, too.

~*~*~

The clock ticking was the only sound in the room. Cynthia sat in an armchair on one side of the coffee table. Connor and Evan sat on the couch across from her.

Evan had to fight the instinct to lean into Connor, to grab his hand, to seek any kind of physical comfort from him. He didn’t know how Connor would feel about that in front of his mom. Evan wasn’t crazy about it, either, but Connor’s touch was one of the few things that calmed him. In the end, as much as he wanted the physical comfort, he refrained. He sent furtive glances at Mrs. Murphy, but mostly stared down at the coffee table, his lap or the floor.

Connor, on the other hand, was staring at his mother, but not speaking. He didn’t know what to say. His mom’s reaction wasn’t what he’d expected. He tried not to get too hopeful, though, just in case...

Cynthia had been trying to remain quiet, trying to let Connor work up whatever he needed in order to speak first. But it didn’t seem like he was going to. Behind the steely look in his eyes, she could see the fear, as well.

“Connor...” she paused, making sure he was looking at her before she spoke again. “Connor, you’re safe.”

Evan flinched, his mind going back to this morning when his mother said the same thing to him.

Though they weren’t touching, Connor felt Evan shake and immediately reached out to grab his hand, as much to comfort him as to assess his mother’s reaction.

Cynthia smiled softly at her son. “You’re both safe” was all she said.

Connor nodded. He didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded.

~*~*~

It took a good 20 minutes for Connor and Cynthia to convince Evan to go up to Connor’s room and call his mom. Cynthia assured him - in that way only mothers can - that he didn’t have to reveal his secret yet. He just had to let her know he was safe.

Once they were alone, Cynthia finally spoke.

“I think I always knew. Deep down.”

“How?” Connor’s voice cracked, adding to his frustration. He hated feeling so vulnerable.

Cynthia shrugged, but not unkindly. “A mother just knows, I guess. It was little things. I was just... I wanted you to tell me yourself. I wanted you to feel safe enough to talk to me.”

Connor nodded, breaking eye contact. “Oh.”

“I’m here, Connor, whenever you’re ready to tell your father.” When Connor laughed bitterly, Cynthia stood and moved beside him. “Connor, look at me.” Only once he had did she speak again. “I know what your father is like, but he DOES love you. I know it’s hard to believe that right now, with how the last few years have been. But he does.” She gripped his hand, and to her surprise, he gripped hers back.

“No one else knows,” Connor admitted. It went without saying who he meant - Zoe and Evan’s mom. “We don’t want anyone else to know yet.”

Cynthia nodded. “I still think Evan should tell his mom, but that’s his decision. In the meantime, you both are safe here, with me, okay?”

Connor nodded, finally looking up at her again, actually making eye contact.

Cynthia smiled at him. She was about to speak again when Evan came back into the room. They both looked up at him.

Evan fidgeted uncomfortably. “She knows I’m here. I-I didn’t tell her...” He paused. “I just told her we were friends and that, well, um, that I knew where you might be and that I was sorry that I, you know, ran like I did. But that I didn’t want to waste time trying to explain it.”

Cynthia stood and walked over to Evan, giving him another hug. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you like. I can make us some lunch.”

When Evan nodded, Cynthia glanced back at Connor, a small smile on her face, before going back to the kitchen to start lunch.

Evan shuffled back over to Connor, collapsing into his arms. He couldn’t hold the tears back any longer. The last few days had taken everything out of him. Connor just held him and let him get it all out.

~*~*~

“Connor, Evan, it’s time to get up.”

Connor and Evan stirred, detangling themselves and sitting up. Evan had stayed well into evening, and they’d all eaten dinner together. After, Connor and Evan had gone up to his room to watch a movie, mostly because Connor knew it would help calm Evan and distract his brain for a while.

Connor didn’t remember falling asleep, but they must have, because they were still in his room and his mom was standing over them, early morning sunlight streaming in.

Evan, startled, opened his eyes and fell right off the bed. “I’m okay” came his muffled voice from the floor a second after. Connor couldn’t help but chuckle as Evan pulled himself back up.

“It’s good to see you smile,” Cynthia sniffled, tears in her eyes. “But you both need to get up. Zoe will be home soon.”

Connor frowned at his mother, feeling confused. Most parents would freak out if they had found their kid in bed with someone they liked - granted, they were fully clothed. But still. Not only wasn’t she freaking out, she was warning them to get moving, helping them protect their secret.

Cynthia left them to get themselves together, and sent them off with money to get breakfast.

After they had walked for awhile, Connor finally spoke.

“How long are you going to avoid your mom?”

Evan shrugged, playing with the strings of his hoodie – or, well, Connor’s hoodie.

“I don’t, um, I don’t know. I don’t even know why I am.”

“If my mom could surprise me with her reaction, I’m sure yours could, too,” Connor said, grabbing Evan’s hand to steady him.

“I know, um... I just, it’s just that... I don’t know.”

Connor opened his mouth to reply when someone stepped into their path.

“Well, well, well. What the fuck do we have here?”

Evan quickly shook free of Connor’s grip, trembling.

“Fuck off, Kleinman,” Connor growled, the steel back in his eyes.

“Nice to see you, too, Murphy,” Jared replied cheerfully. “So, Evan, you got a new best friend? Or, last I checked, best friends don’t hold hands. Sooooo....” he threw his hands up in question, his tone sing-song-ish.

Connor grabbed Evan’s arm and yanked him around Jared, who continued to follow them.

“Just taking a gay stroll through the gay park, then?”

It happened before anyone knew it was happening. Jared was on the ground, blood spurting from his nose, and Connor was pulling Evan away as fast as they could walk, Evan stumbling as he looked back at Jared, still on the ground and rendered speechless for possibly the first time in his life.

Connor didn’t stop pulling until he and Evan had gotten to the other side of the park.

“Ignore him, Evan, he’s a dick.”

“A dick who could tell everyone everything,” Evan yelped, starting to hyperventilate.

Connor pulled Evan so they were facing each other. “Breathe, Evan. It’s okay.”

Evan tried, he really did. He wasn’t ashamed of himself or Connor, or embarrassed. He didn’t know why he wanted it kept a secret. It just felt... safer. It’s how he had lived his whole life - invisible, safe in a bubble, never letting anyone see the real him. And he had just discovered this part of himself, was still processing it, still figuring out how to feel and act. He didn’t want anyone butting in on that. It was all so new and fragile.... HE was fragile.

But he didn’t know how to tell Connor any of that. Didn’t know how to explain it without making Connor feel like he was embarrassed or ashamed of what they had.

“Do you want to go eat? Forget about Jared and just have a nice meal together?”

Evan tried to quiet the voices in his head. He didn’t want to ruin this great thing he had - the first great thing he’d ever had. He nodded.

“Let’s go.”

~*~*~

They chose a small diner further out from town, where they didn’t think anyone would recognize them. They each ordered a big meal, but then picked at their food.

“I’m sorry.”

Connor startled. It was the first time Evan had spoken since they left the park.

“For what?”

Evan refused to make eye contact. He stared hard at his plate. “For being... how I am. For being, um, a loser, I guess.”

“You’re not a loser,” Connor snarled, sounding angrier than he meant to. Evan flinched, glancing up from under his lashes and then back at his food.

Connor sighed. “I didn’t mean to snap. But... I just wish you could see what I see. You saved me, you know.”

Evan laughed, disbelieving.

“I mean it. I was going to kill myself that day.”

Evan dropped his fork, looking up at Connor with wide eyes.

Connor wished he hadn’t said it, but he couldn’t take it back now.

“That day we met, I was leaving school to... to kill myself. I’d had it. Completely. But you... our conversation....” Connor shrugged and looked down. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Evan. I hate when you talk down about yourself. I hate when you think you’re not enough. I know I’m the pot calling the kettle black here, but I just... You’re a good person, Evan Hansen. I wish you’d remember that.”

Evan reached out his hand and met Connor’s. They held tight to each other, and refused to let go.

~*~*~

“I saw you.”

Connor looked up, startled. Zoe stood in his doorway, arms crossed.

“What?”

“Don’t play dumb. I saw you.”

Connor quickly stood, pulled Zoe into his room and closed the door. His parents were just down the hall. He didn’t need them hearing whatever she was about to say. When he turned around, she was sitting cross-legged on his bed. He blocked the door, arms crossed.

“Don’t be a bitch, Zoe. Don’t taunt me. Just tell me what the fuck you think you saw.”

Zoe scowled at him. “I saw you and that Evan kid. At the diner. HOLDING HANDS.”

Connor’s mouth went dry. He tried to keep a poker face. “What were you even doing there?”

“Don’t try to change the subject,” Zoe snapped. “Be real with me, Connor, for once in your life. What’s going on?”

Without realizing he was doing it, Connor started to scratch at the scars and marks on his wrists, hidden by his chunky bracelets. He hadn’t cut in a long time, not since things had gotten more serious with Evan, but he still scratched at the marks when he got anxious, when it felt like the walls were closing in on him.

Thankfully, Zoe was so focused on staring him down that she didn’t notice. Of all the horrible things she suspected him of doing, she didn’t know he’d done that. His parents knew, of course, but it was the one thing Zoe was still unaware of. She thought he was a monster as it was. He didn’t need her knowing this, too.

Connor’s first instinct was to lie, to scream and kick her out. But he was tired of screaming. Tired of being a monster to his sister. Tired of shoving her away, of widening the gap he had created so many years ago. His mom had surprised him with her reaction. Maybe Zoe would, too.

“Evan and I are... dating.”

Zoe looked ... Well, actually, she looked vindicated. Not surprised or shocked. She just nodded, a million questions dancing in her eyes.

Connor felt drained. He sat down on the floor, his back against the door. Zoe hadn’t moved from his bed. The distance between them felt enormous, yet smaller than it had been when she first entered the room.

“So you’re gay?”

“Maybe.”

She quirked a brow. “Maybe?”

“Bi, I think,” he admitted.

She nodded. “And Evan?”

“I don’t think he fully knows yet, but I think gay.”

Zoe nodded again. “How did you guys meet?”

“At school. It’s a long story, though.” When Zoe opened her mouth to demand more, he held his hand up and shook his head. “It’s not just my story to tell, Zo. And he’s not ready for everyone to know.”

“Does anyone know?”

Connor hesitated before admitting, “mom.”

Zoe’s eyes widened. “Dad?” When Connor quickly shook his head, she nodded. “For the best, probably. What about his parents?”

“His mom doesn’t know yet. His dad isn’t around. But...” Connor hesitated, not sure how much to say. “Jared Kleinman saw us holding hands. He said some shitty things about it. I punched him.”

Zoe sighed, shaking her head. “Punch first, talk later.”

“He was upsetting Evan,” Connor snapped.

Zoe put her hands up in a peace gesture. “I’ve never seen you care about someone so much... But you know punching him will only make him hate you more. He might out you guys.”

Connor’s eyes widened in panic. He hadn’t thought of that. “D-do you really think he still would? He’s a dick, but...”

“I don’t know, Con. Just be prepared for it. Prepare Evan for it. You should convince him to tell his mom soon, before someone else tells her.”

Zoe turned to leave, but stopped short when Connor called out to her. She looked back at him, startled to see how vulnerable he looked.

“Thank.... you?”

She could hear the hesitation in is voice, the question. She nodded, making the “zipped lips gesture” before leaving him alone to his thoughts.


	10. These Broken Parts Chapter 10

“You know, I can’t decide if it’s very trusting of my mom to let us have time alone, or very naïve,” Connor joked one day, about two weeks after he’d come out to his mom (and Zoe, but Evan still didn’t know about that, so...). He and Evan were cuddling on Evan’s bed. Heidi had taken an extra shift that night to help cover one of her sick coworkers, so she was pulling a double and wouldn’t be home for ages. The second Evan had texted him, Connor had raced over, calling a quick “heading to Evan’s,” to his mom, who nodded after him with a firm reminder to be home by 9pm, so his father didn’t notice or scold him.

Evan grinned a little, shrugging innocently. Every day, he got more and more comfortable with his feelings and affections. He initiated kisses more, cuddled more, held Connor’s hand more. He would even explore the other boys body more, running his hands down Connor’s arms, or snaking a hand under his shirt and rubbing his stomach or back. He was still too nervous to take it much further than that, but they’d had a few make-out sessions, mostly with him taking his cues from Connor, and never going too far. 

“What’s that smirk for?” Connor asked, rolling onto his elbow and staring down at Evan, a wicked gleam in his eyes.

“N-nothing,” Evan stammered, feeling completely vulnerable and exposed with Connor looking down at him through the curtain of his hair. He felt his pulse quicken as Connor leaned in and kissed him. Evan reached up and placed his arm around Connor, pulling him in closer. His nerves were on fire, his anxiety making him question every move he made, yelling at him that Connor would pull away at any second and ask him why he was being such an idiot. He tried to silence the voices in his head, but failed, and started to pull away, but Connor pressed closer. 

They’d never really had The Talk. It was still early in their relationship. But because Evan pulled away every time things got too intense, he’d finally felt compelled to admit to Connor that he was too nervous to make a move most of the time, that he liked when they were close, but didn’t know how to shut his nervous brain up long enough to act on his feelings. Connor had always assured him there was no pressure, that they would only take it as far as he was comfortable. 

Evan didn’t know how to admit that he wanted more. He’d lived his entire life trying not to bring attention to himself, and admitting he wanted more, or initiating it, felt too dangerous and bold. The closer he and Connor became, though, the more he wanted more.

Today was one of those days. It felt like he couldn’t get enough of Connor, and he found himself pressing closer, deepening their kisses. That was all the encouragement Connor needed. One second, he was beside Evan, pressed close, kissing him, running his hand down Evan’s chest and stomach; the next, his hand was under Evan’s shirt, pushing it up, making lazy circles with his fingers. Evan felt his body responding. He pressed closer still, his arm going around the other boy, his hand trailing down his back. Evan wasn’t sure what made him do it, what caused his brain to malfunction, but suddenly, he boldly trailed his hand down further and grabbed Connor’s ass.

Connor let out a strangled moan, flipping so Evan was under him. The pressure and warmth of his body comforted Evan, almost like having a weighted blanket for anxiety. It felt... safe.

When Connor’s fingers started brushing under the waistband of his jeans, though, Evan felt his anxiety spike a little. He tried to ignore it, as Connor unbuttoned Evan’s jeans, his hand trailing further down. But Evan’s heart started to pound, and he squirmed uncomfortably, breaking their kiss and pulling away.

Connor immediately backed off. “Are you okay? We don’t have to- I’m sorry, I just got caught up in the heat of the moment. But this - We don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

Evan felt his entire face flame with humiliation. He felt like such a loser. Connor must have seen it in his eyes, because he sat up and pulled Evan with him, so they were both sitting on the edge of the bed side-by-side.

“Seriously, Ev, don’t be embarrassed. It’s cool. I pushed too far.”

Evan shook his head frantically. He didn’t want Connor to blame himself. “You didn’t do anything wrong,” he said firmly. “I’m just, um, so- ... I mean, I’m j-just not ready for... that... yet. But s-seriously, you didn’t push or go too far, okay?”

Connor nodded. For once, his brain didn’t contradict what was being said. He knew Evan meant it. He gave the other boy a quick, gentle kiss and a hand squeeze. 

“Why don’t we go downstairs and watch a movie? Less pressure than being in your bed, huh?” He made a goofy face, making Evan laugh.

~*~*~

Though Connor made life more bearable overall, school was still torture for Evan. Aside from the usual anxiety triggers, there was also Jared, who hadn’t said a word about that day in the park. He’d never pressed Evan about the New year’s Eve incident, either, or the hoodie thing. But Evan felt sick to his stomach every morning when he woke up, wondering if today was going to be the day Jared would out him and Connor to the whole school. He almost wished Jared would just do it and get it over with.

Evan had also been more tense than usual around his mom. She hadn’t ever pushed him to admit what had set him off into such a bad panic attack that night, nor had she questioned him about his friendship with Connor. He knew she would eventually, and he felt like he was constantly on alert, waiting for the ball to drop.

He found her in the kitchen, getting ready to leave for work. Which was odd. She was usually gone before he woke.

“Hey, honey, sleep well?” She asked cautiously. That was new. She usually acted overly cheerful with him, like she thought she could make up for his anxiety by being super happy. But since his panic attack, since he ran to Connor and the Murphy’s with very little explanation, she had been more somber and cautious, like she was walking on egg shells.

“I- yeah, um, I guess.”

She smiled hesitantly, grabbing her keys and bag. “I’ll be home late. There’s money on the table for dinner. I’m a phone call away if you need me, okay?”

Once Evan has nodded a confirmation, she left. He waited until he couldn’t see her car out the window before he sent a text message: **Come over.**

~*~*~

Connor was there in under an hour.

“Skip school with me?” Evan asked, almost the second he opened the door.

“Don’t gotta ask me twice,” Connor grinned.

They had a lazy day, just lying on Evan’s bed, watching old movies. They were well into their second movie when Evan’s voice startled Connor from his thoughts.

“Why do you do that?”

Connor startled, looking at Evan with confusion in his eyes. Evan nodded down at Connor’s hands, which were playing with his bracelets and scratching at the skin hidden below them. Connor quickly hid his hands under the blanket beside him.

“It’s nothing. Just.. weird habit, that’s all.”

Evan didn’t believe him, and opened his mouth to say so.

“I think you should tell your mom about us,” Connor said quickly.

Evan looked like Connor had punched him in the gut. “W-what?”

Connor looked away, ashamed. He had only said it to change the subject and divert the attention from his wrists. He wasn’t ready to talk about it with Evan. Evan hadn’t seen his ugly scars yet, didn’t know how disgusting he truly was. He wanted to keep it that way for a little while longer. But he knew he was pushing Evan away with this conversation, and he hated himself for being such a coward.

“Jared knows. What if he tells someone? Do you really want her hearing it from Jared Kleinman?”

Evan trembled at the idea, his brain taking it one step further. What if Jared told Mrs. Kleinman, who would blurt it to all the other moms, who would say things in front of their kids, who would tell other kids at school... Evan’s brain took an endless tumble down Worst Case Scenario Hill.

“Besides, I’m sure she’s worried about you, thinking it’s something worse than it is. My mom said she already knew, before I even told her. Something about mother’s intuition. Maybe your mom is the same.”

“Maybe...” Evan said hesitantly, biting his lip. “I mean, your mom really has been great about everything, and you didn’t think she would be.” 

Connor nodded. “Yeah... That was the first honest conversation I’ve had with her in... I don’t even know. It felt... Well, I can’t say it felt good because it was still weird. I hate feeling like... Like...”

“Vulnerable?” Evan guessed. Connor nodded, staring down at his hands to avoid making eye contact with Evan, alternately picking at his chipped black nail polish and at the skin under his bracelets.

“Yeah,” he finally replied with a casual shrug. “Well, it’s hard to let yourself be vulnerable when you’ve learned that showing weakness will get you hurt.”

“Who hurt you?” Evan blurted, before realizing his mistake. Connor had immediately tensed up and shut down at the question. “I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me, that was stupid, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

Connor pulled away from Evan, laying on his back and resting his head on the pillows. He stared at the ceiling to avoid eye contact with Evan, nervously playing with his bracelets again. Thinking about Miguel reminded him of that day, and he didn’t want to think about that day ever again. 

Suddenly, Evan shifted closer to Connor, taking his hand and pulling his wrist close. Connor tried to jerk back, but Evan held tight. He turned Connor’s hand over, exposing the underside of his wrist. He grabbed the bracelet by its clasp, but paused, staring Connor right in the eyes. 

It was another one of those moments – the kind where everything could fall apart. This was how it had fallen apart with Miguel – Miguel, who Evan still didn’t know about. But it would only fall apart if he let it. It would only fall apart if he let things play out the same way they had that day. He could change this ending. He could be brave 

_Be fucking real with me._ That’s what Miguel had said to him. And he couldn’t. He’d run. Was this the moment he stopped running?

Evan was still staring at him, still holding his hand and the clasp of his bracelet. Waiting. Connor’s heart was pounding so hard in his chest, he was positive Evan could hear it. Connor was frozen like a statue. He didn’t pull away. He looked Evan right in the eyes and, ever so slightly, nodded. 

Evan unclasped the bracelet, and it fell onto the bed. Connor could hear his intake of breath, and finally had to look away. He felt Evan’s finger tracing the scars, some still fresh and raw, since it had only been a few weeks since the last time he’d cut.

Connor waited for Evan to pull away in disgust, to make some excuse for why he needed Connor to leave. He waited for Evan to ask why, because people always did – the doctors, Connor’s parents, his therapists. 

He didn’t, though. Instead of pulling away, Evan leaned in and gently kissed the scars. Connor hissed, not in pain, but in shock. Evan glanced up just as Connor turned to look at him again, and they made eye contact. No fear in Evan’s eyes. No pity, either. Just understanding. 

Usually, Evan was the one who collapsed into Connor’s arms, who cried until nothing was left. 

This time, it was Connor.

~*~*~

Connor wasn’t sure how he managed to get home in one piece, but the joint helped calm his shaking hands. He felt drained. Opening up to Evan, letting Evan see his scars... He had poured every ounce of himself into that. He had put his trust in Evan more completely than in anyone else in his entire life - even more than in Miguel. It could have backfired. It didn’t.

He sat in bed that night, staring at his scars, seeing them in a new light. And when Evan messaged him to ask if they could walk to school together the next day, he couldn’t help the smile that spread over his face, despite how raw he felt inside.


	11. These Broken Parts Chapter 11

The next morning, Connor and Evan met at the park, and walked to school, holding hands until they were within sight of the school building. They reluctantly let each other go, though each felt the absence of the other. They had almost reached the front steps of the school when they encountered Jared. 

“Jared, please...” Evan began, his voice trembling a little.

Jared held a hand up. “It’s cool, Murphsen. You two make a LOVELY couple.” He almost sounded sincere, but his signature douchebag smirk remained. “Your secret is safe with me. What are family friends for?” With that, he walked away.

“Murphsen?” Connor asked, quirking a brow at Evan. Evan shrugged, still worried. He’d known Jared a long time, and he was a jerk, for sure. But he’d never been downright cruel. Maybe he meant what he said. Maybe, like Evan’s stuttering and Connor’s steely-eyed glare, maybe Jared’s sarcasm and douche jokes were just a front for something more. Maybe he really did consider Evan a friend, and wouldn’t say anything to anyone.

~*~*~

After everything they had been through recently, Evan felt a stronger pull towards Connor. He was still worried about people finding out about them, but he was more worried about Connor’s emotional well being, especially after last night and everything Connor had confided in him.

So, that day at lunch, he sat down across from Connor. Connor startled and looked up. His eyes widened. He slowly lowered his book, a question in his eyes. Evan just nodded at him. Connor smiled, picking his book back up as Evan settled in. 

No one really bothered them that first day, or the second, or even the third. But people had noticed that they were talking more in the halls the last few days, and eating lunch together. 

Connor ignored the whispering. He was used to people whispering about him, but he was worried about Evan. Evan was used to being invisible, and Connor could tell it was getting to the poor boy. 

On the fourth day, Connor told Evan to meet him at his locker at lunch and they could skip the rest of the day, if he felt too overwhelmed. Evan agreed, and the two went their separate ways for classes.

But Evan didn’t make it that long. While getting books from his locker in between third and fourth period, things went bad. 

“Hey, Hansen, spending a lot of time with school shooter boy, eh?” 

Evan cringed, trying to make himself smaller, trying to grab his books faster. He ignored, didn’t engage.

“Hey, loser, I’m talkin’ to you.”

His books were shoved out of his hand, and he was slammed forward. His lip caught the frame of the locker, and a warm flow of blood filled his mouth. Someone spun him around and shoved him again. He winced as his head connected with the cold metal.

“Got yourself a boyfriend, huh? Who would have thought the loser and the drug addict would end up together? Well, how adorable.” Sarcasm dripped from the boy’s voice - a jock Evan didn’t even know, had never spoken to. 

Evan tried to speak, tried to beg the boy to leave him alone. But his stutter was so bad, he couldn’t even get out one word. He stared hard at the floor, trying to avoid eye contact.

A fist connected with his stomach. He doubled over, gasping for breath, and then found himself on the floor. Then a foot connected with his gut. He yelped, curling into a ball to protect himself. Everyone was laughing. He vaguely heard someone shout for a teacher. A voice screamed his name, another voice yelled that the assistant principal was stalking towards them. 

The boys scattered, leaving Evan alone, eyes squeezed shut in fear and pain. He could feel the presence of a lot of people, could hear them whispering, but no one approached him.

Until...

“Evan!”

A hand touched his cheek, and he flinched at first, throwing his fist out and swinging wildly in self-defense. 

“Whoa, whoa,” the voice said, grabbing his hand and squeezing. “It’s me, it’s me!” 

“C-Connor...?”

“Yeah, Ev, I’m here.”

Evan’s split lip trembled painfully as tears began to gush from his eyes. Everything hurt, but he managed to get up to his knees and throw his arms around Connor, sobbing into his jacket. 

Connor rubbed his back, shushing him and kissing his cheek. He could hear the people around them whispering and talking, a collective intake of breath, but he didn’t care. 

Jared and Alana were there. Alana was frozen, watching them, but Jared was shoving people away, snapping at them to fuck off.

Then the assistant principal and some teachers were there, demanding to know what had happened, getting phones out to call for an ambulance, as Connor gently tugged Evan to his feet.

“Mr. Murphy, where do you think you’re going?” demanded the assistant principle. 

“His mom’s a nurse, I’m taking him to her, try to stop me,” he snarled, glaring his steely-eyed glare at the older man. He looked ready to protest, but shut his mouth.

Suddenly, Zoe was there, on the other side of Evan, grabbing him gently and helping Connor get him outside and to her car. Evan collapsed in the back seat, sprawled out with his head on Connor’s lap. Connor gently stroked his hair, while Zoe drove as fast as she could to the hospital. 

“No hospital,” Evan groaned.

“Ev, you have to go, you could have a concussion or broken ribs or-“

“No,” Evan pleaded, reaching for Connor’s hand. “Mom... Too many questions...”

Zoe glanced at her brother in the rearview mirror, a question in her eyes.

“Please,” Evan begged, squeezing Connor’s hand, shaking like a leaf.

“I’m sorry Ev, but you have to go to the hospital,” Connor said firmly. He would never forgive himself if something happened to Evan because he caved and didn’t take him to the hospital to be examined.

When they got to the hospital, the siblings helped Evan from the car, moving him inside as quickly as possible. Everything was a blur for him, as he vaguely heard Connor and Zoe talking to the receptionist and asking for Evan’s mom. He was taken in to a room quickly. Connor followed, but Zoe waited outside. Only a few minutes had passed when Heidi came running into the room.

“Evan! Oh my god!” 

Evan was lying on the hospital bed. He was in pain, but still managing to at least sit up on his own, back against the pillows, which his foggy brain took as a good sign. He glanced up at the sound of his mother’s voice. She ran to his side and grabbed him in a fierce but gentle hug. “What happened?!?” She looked from Evan to the tall, long-haired boy who stood to the side, confusion written all over her face. The boy looked vaguely familiar...

Connor clenched his jaw, glancing from Evan to Heidi, no idea what to say. Evan started to shake with nerves. This wasn’t how he’d wanted this to happen. This wasn’t how he’d imagined introducing Connor to his mom.

“Evan, talk to me! What happened?!?”

Evan opened and closed his mouth, trying to form words, just as a nurse came in. 

“Heidi, please,” the nurse scolded her. “I know you’re upset, but you know how this works. You can’t go upsetting my patient.”

“Your patient?” Heidi cried, glaring daggers at her coworker. “He’s my son!”

The nurse nodded patiently, her voice gentle but firm when she spoke again. “Yes, which means right now, you’re not his nurse, you’re his mother. And that means I’m in charge in this room, not you. I need you to lower your voice and try to calm down.”

Heidi opened her mouth to argue, snapped it shut, and nodded.

“And I need you,” she said to Connor, turning to point at him, “to leave, since you aren’t family.”

Evan let out a choked sob, shaking his head and reaching his hand out towards Connor. “N-No! P-Please, don’t make him leave!”

Heidi’s mouth fell open at her son’s protest, looking from him to the other boy. Connor’s eyes were wide with shock, but he moved quickly to Evan’s side, grabbing his hand. Evan held tight to Connor, pulling him closer. 

“P-please d-don’t... d-don’t leave me,” Evan begged. 

Connor nodded, kissing the top of his head. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Heidi’s eyes darted back and forth between Evan and this other boy, the truth dawning on her.

~*~*~

After some tests, Evan and Connor were left alone while Heidi and Evan’s nurse went to discuss some things, and speak with the doctor assigned to Evan’s case.

Connor had climbed into the bed alongside Evan, at Evan’s request. At first, Connor had hesitated. “What about your mom?” he’d asked, but Evan had shook the question off and begged Connor to join him. He was in pain and he was scared, not to mention the fact that he’d basically just outed himself to his mom. He was craving the comfort of Connor’s touch.

So, Connor had complied, snuggling in gently, trying hard not to jostle or hurt Evan. He was holding Evan’s hand, planting gentle kisses on his head, when Heidi came back in an hour later.

“Okay, good news! Nothing-“ she paused upon seeing the position Evan and the other boy were in. 

Startled, Connor went to pull away and stand, but Evan held tight to his hand, not letting him. Connor stared at Evan with wide eyes, shocked that this was the same boy who had been so scared of everyone finding out their secret just a few months ago.

Heidi cleared her throat. “Nothing’s broken and they don’t think you have a concussion, so I can take you home,” she finally said.

Evan nodded, looking from his mom to Connor, then down at his lap, crushing Connor’s hand in his.

“You, uh...” Heidi began, turning her attention to Connor.

“Connor,” he said quickly. “Connor Murphy.”

“Oh,” Heidi replied quietly, the last puzzle piece clicking into place. “Um, you can ride home with us, if you’d like. If... if it’s okay with your parents.”

Connor glanced at Evan, who gave him wide, pleading eyes, and Connor nodded, feeling incredibly uncomfortable under the watchful eye of Heidi Hansen. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and sent his mom a quick text:

**At hospital with Evan. Long story. Taking him home now. His mom is driving.**

He pocketed his phone, not waiting for an answer. “All good.”

~*~*~

Thirty minutes later, Connor was helping Evan change into pajamas and climb into bed. He forced Evan to drink some water and take some ibuprofen, then settled in beside him. Evan curled up to Connor, and Connor held him as tightly as he could without hurting him. He showered Evan in kisses until Evan fell into an uneasy sleep.

Connor knew he and Evan would have to face Heidi sooner or later, and he figured Evan didn’t need the stress of it. So, when he was sure Evan was asleep, he slipped off the bed and padded downstairs, where Heidi sat in the kitchen. She gestured for him to join her, pouring him a cup of hot chocolate. 

He nodded gratefully, before slumping forward onto the table, his head in his hands. Heidi didn’t speak. She waited, giving Connor the time he needed to compose himself. Finally, he looked up at her, fighting back tears.

“Some homophobic jocks beat Evan up at school...”

Heidi looked ready to murder someone. Connor trembled before her fierce mama bear glare.

“I’m sorry, Mrs. Hansen. I understand if you never want me near Evan again.”

“What?” Heidi asked, startled. 

Connor hesitated before meeting her eyes. “This is all my fault. Evan never would have been-“

“Stop that,” Heidi said sharply. Connor fell silent. She grabbed his hand. “This is NOT your fault, Connor. Never, ever think this is your fault. Those boys did this, not you.”

“But if I-“

“No,” Heidi said firmly. “Don’t even think it. This is NOT your fault.”

The words felt foreign to him. Everything was always his fault. Being told otherwise was... weird. 

They were silent for a few minutes after that, sipping their hot chocolate and avoiding looking at each other. 

“So,” Heidi finally said, breaking the silence. Connor glanced up at her. “You and my son...”

Connor looked away again, nodding once.

“How long?”

Connor took a big sip of hot chocolate before answering. “We started hanging out at the beginning of the school year... We officially started d-dating... um... I guess in November?” 

Heidi nodded, though Connor was still staring at his hot chocolate and couldn’t see this. 

“I, uh...” Heidi paused, choosing her words carefully. “I thought he seemed happier lately.. I guess now I know why.”

When Connor looked up, startled by her response, she was smiling softly at him.

~*~*~

Connor and Heidi spoke for a long time, giving Evan time to sleep. When Connor finally went back upstairs to check on him, Evan was sitting up in bed, wincing, his whole body aching. Connor stepped into the room and sat beside him.

“Your mom is... Really cool,” Connor said quickly.

Evan looked immensely relieved, his shoulders sagging. “She knows everything?”

“Basically,” Connor said with a shrug.

Evan nodded, staring into the distance for a minute as his brain remembered something from earlier... “Zoe knows?”

Connor hesitated. He didn’t want to upset Evan, but he didn’t want to lie. So, he nodded.

“How long?” 

“A couple weeks,” Connor admitted.

Evan nodded his head, wincing with the movement. He leaned back against his pillow, touching his swollen, cut lip.

“I’m sorry, Ev. She saw us that day at the diner, and she confronted me. But she hasn’t told anyone.”

“It’s... fine,” Evan said hesitantly, surprising himself with the admission. He actually didn’t mind that Zoe knew, especially since his mom knew now, too.

“How are you feeling?” Connor asked, his voice filled with sorrow.

“I’ll be fine,” Evan replied, trying to keep his voice light, though inside, his anxiety was spiking. “Maybe this is for the best. Maybe now that it’s out there, they’ll all leave us alone. And now we don’t have to hide at school.”

Oh, everyone WOULD leave Evan alone from now on. Connor would make sure of that. He had this weird feeling Jared would, too. The other boy had been trying to help during the fight. For all his faults, he DID care, even if he didn’t want to admit it.

“Yeah, maybe,” was all Connor said out loud, though. He didn’t want to upset Evan by saying anything else. “Ev, I don’t wanna leave you, but I should probably get going soon. I’m sure my mom and Zoe are wondering what’s going on, and I don’t know what they told my dad to keep him from going ballistic...”

Evan didn’t want him to go, but he also didn’t want Connor to get in any trouble. He leaned in for a kiss, which Connor delivered as gently as possible.

“Make sure you text me a lot tonight, so I know you’re okay, okay?” Connor begged. Only after Evan had reassured him he would did Connor finally leave, his mind weary after the long day.


	12. These Broken Parts Chapter 12

It was after 8pm before Connor was home, and the second he stepped in the door, his father was in his face.

“Where were you?” He yelled, his voice booming dangerously. “The school called. What’s this about a fight? I swear, Connor, I’ve had it.”

This was the point where Connor would have screamed back, but he had no energy to. He shook his head at his father and tried to step around him, but Larry grabbed his arm.

“You aren’t going anywhere until you explain what happened. A fight, skipping school. What the hell is wrong with you? WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?”

His voice grew louder and louder the more Connor ignored him. 

“What do you care? Nothing I say will matter, you’ll just draw your own conclusions anyway.” 

Connor finally pulled free and went upstairs. He sensed his father trying to follow him, but then he heard his mother’s voice telling him to stop, to let it be. He heard them starting to argue, and increased his pace, slamming his door.

~*~*~

There was a tentative knock on his door a little while later, and Cynthia slipped into his room, closing the door behind her. Connor glanced up from the book he was reading as Cynthia approached his bed and sat beside him.

“Connor.. What happened?” She grabbed his hand and rubbed his knuckles in a gentle, soothing motion.

Shaking, tears welling in his eyes, he told his mom what had happened.

Connor hesitated before meeting her eyes. “Evan wasn’t ready for his mom to know, and now she knows, and it never would’ve happened if he hadn’t gotten beat up for sitting with me. Mrs. Hansen said she doesn’t blame me for Evan getting hurt, but how can she not? This is all my fault, mom.”

“No,” Cynthia said firmly. “No, it’s not. Those boys are responsible for this, Connor, not you.”

He felt like he was six again, and had scraped his knee on the playground or something. He suddenly leaned forward and fell into his mom’s arms, sobbing. She held him and comforted him for a good ten minutes before he finally pulled back, ducking his head to swipe the tears off his face.

“I can’t face dad. I can’t deal with the screaming and arguing. Not tonight.”

“I’ll deal with your father, it’ll be fine.” She kissed his head and walked to his door, turning back once more. “I’m here if you need anything.” With that, she slipped out and closed the door behind her.

~*~*~

Cynthia must have convinced Larry to back off, because Connor was left alone for the rest of the night. He knew he’d be questioned tomorrow, but he didn’t care. He needed to clear his mind. The later it got, though, the more restless he grew, between worrying about Evan and worrying about what his dad would do to him tomorrow...

He started pacing his room, trying to calm the racing thoughts in his head. This was his fault, the voices told him. Evan didn’t deserve this. It was his fault Evan had been attacked. Those jocks knew better than to mess with Connor, but Evan was vulnerable. 

Connor’s skin felt itchy and tight, like he was crawling with bugs. He knew this feeling, knew what it meant, but tried not to give in to the impulse. The longer he was left alone with his thoughts, the harder it was to fight, until he caved, collapsing on his bed and grabbing the blade he still hid in his night table drawer. It felt heavy in his hand.

He unclasped one of his bracelets and held the blade above his skin, his hand trembling. A war was fought inside his brain, but he lost and the blade bit home. 

He hissed. His hands still shook, but he let out a long, deep exhale and slowly started to calm down. He closed his eyes, letting the blood well up and start to drip down his arm. 

The beep of his phone startled him so badly, he dropped the blade on the night table. He picked his phone up. It was Evan’s number, but not Evan. It was from Heidi.

“Evan needs you.”

Connor jumped from his bed, threw his hoodie on, shoved boots on his feet, and charged out of his room. He ran down the stairs, making so much noise, he startled his parents, who were watching TV on the couch. 

“Where are you going?” Larry demanded, standing and striding across the room so quickly, he was beside Connor before Connor could make it to the door.

“I don’t have time for your bullshit tonight,” Connor snarled, shoving past him. 

Larry grabbed his son’s arm and dragged him back. “How DARE you speak to me that way! You’re not going anywhere, Connor, this has to stop!”

Connor spun and stared his father right in the eye. “My boyfriend needs me,” he snapped, “so if you’ll excuse me.”

Larry’s eyes widened in shock, and he stumbled back, letting Connor go. Connor didn’t even hesitate; he turned and ran from the house, not even bothering to close the door behind him.

~*~*~

Heidi had the door open when Connor ran up the front walk.

“He’s having a panic attack, I can’t calm him down. He just keeps repeating your name.” 

Connor took the stairs two at a time, running into Evan’s room. Evan was curled up on the bed, hyperventilating. Connor slipped onto the bed behind him, wrapping his arm around Evan and whispering that he was there, that everything would be okay.

~*~*~

It took an hour, but Connor finally got Evan to calm down and fall asleep. He slipped downstairs to the living room, where Heidi was pacing, biting her nails in worry. She looked up at him when he entered the room.

“He’s sleeping finally.”

Heidi nodded gratefully, wrapping Connor in a hug. Connor held tight, surprised by how safe he felt. When he finally pulled away, Heidi grabbed his hand in gratitude, cradling it between her own hands.

“I hope I didn’t get you in trouble with your parents by asking you to come here so late. I can call your mom and explain...”

“No,” Connor said sharply. At Heidi’s surprised expression, he softened his voice. “No, it’s okay. My dad’s away on business, and my mom – she, um, she knows about Evan and me. She gets it.”

Connor didn’t know why he lied. He just didn’t want to upset Heidi or Evan any more than he already had. It was easier. Heidi smiled and nodded, gesturing for him to sit with her on the couch. He sat, raking his hand through his hair, tired and agitated.

“Connor!” Heidi grabbed for his sweatshirt. “Is that blood??”

Connor startled, pulling his arm back. He mentally cursed himself, realizing his mistake. He hadn’t bothered cleaning up his wrist before he left, so worried for Evan and so desperate to be by his side.

“Oh-oh, yeah. It’s, um, probably from the fight earlier. I probably got Evan’s blood on me. It’s fine. I’m- uh, I’m gonna go check on him.”

Heidi watched him suspiciously as he ran upstairs. Her “mom gut” told her something wasn’t right, but she kept her silence. For now.

~*~*~

Up in the bathroom, Connor carefully peeled his sweatshirt sleeve back. His arm was a mess. He sighed, cursing his stupidity, and set about cleaning up. He did the best he could with what he had, but his sweatshirt was probably destroyed. And he didn’t have his bracelets to cover the wounds. He felt naked without them.

When he was done, he peaked in on Evan, who was awake and sitting up. He caught Connor’s eye and nodded. He was okay now. 

Connor smiled and sat beside him. “You’re cute when you sleep, you know,” he said, trying to keep things light.

Evan blushed. “T-thank you for, um, well for everything, I guess.”

Connor shrugged. “You don’t have to thank me. I’m just glad you’re okay.”

Evan nodded, fiddling with his cuticles again. “Yeah, I am. I mean, this wasn’t how I wanted things to go with my mom, but... I do feel kind of relieved she knows now. We don’t have to hide or sneak around or anything, although I guess she’ll want to talk to me about it at some point...” 

Evan looked so stressed out by that thought, Connor couldn’t help but take Evan’s hand to comfort him.

“What’s that?” Evan asked, alarm in his voice.

Connor looked to where he was pointing. The bloody sweatshirt. “Oh... nothing, just from earlier. I didn’t have a chance to wash up is all.”

Evan looked ready to argue with him, so Connor kissed him to shut him up.

“Ouch!”

“Oh, god, sorry, I forgot about your lip!”

Evan shrugged and blushed again. “Worth it.” He leaned in to return Connor’s kiss, but gently this time.

~*~*~

Connor didn’t want to leave Evan’s side again, but knew he wouldn’t be able to get away with spending the night. He didn’t want to go home, though, not after how he’d left things with his dad... So he told Heidi he was going home, and texted his mom that he was spending the night at the Hansen’s house.

And then he walked to the park, smoking a joint he had forgotten was in his pocket. It calmed his thoughts and relaxed his shoulders. When he got to the park, he sat under his and Evan’s favorite tree, blowing smoke into the sky and staring at the stars.

He still felt like it was his fault Evan got beaten up. If they weren’t dating, Evan would still be invisible, no one would bother him. And Connor- well, he’d probably have killed himself that day. So...

He finished the joint, then stared at his wrist. He ran his shaking fingers over the fresh wound, shaking his head in frustration. He sighed, closing his eyes and leaning back against the tree.

He had almost fallen asleep when a text came through from Zoe.

**Z: Where are you, for real?**

**C: The park**

She didn’t reply, which made him regret telling her immediately. She was probably on her way to collect him and bring him home. Or maybe his parents were coming for him, which would be even worse.

Larry knew. He knew that his son was gay. How would he react? Hate? Anger? Denial? Would he send Connor away? Try to “fix” him?

“Connor.”

He looked up. He must have been lost in his thoughts longer than he realized, because Zoe stood before him. She sat down across from him, cross-legged.

“You look awful, what happened?”

Maybe the weed had given him loose lips, or maybe it was because something had changed between him and Zoe since his confession to her. He wasn’t sure, but he told her the truth, everything that had happened since she’d left him and Evan at the hospital. He told her everything, including the fact that Larry knew about him and Evan. He left out the part about cutting himself, though.

“Connor....” Zoe hesitated, fear in her eyes.

Oh, no. This was it. She was going to tell him their dad had disowned him, right?

“Connor, I went into your room. I heard you and dad yelling and wanted to make sure you were okay. I didn’t know you’d left. I... Connor, I found this.”

She held her hand open, something wrapped in tissues in her palm. There was blood on the tissues. His throat went dry as she slowly unwrapped it to reveal the razor blade.

Connor stared at it for a long time, then down at the ground. He didn’t say anything.

“I didn’t realize.... I didn’t know....” Zoe seemed at a loss for words. She knew he’d done drugs, even knew he had tried to kill him self once. But this seemed to scare her more than any of that. 

“I can’t go home, Zoe,” Connor finally said, after the silence had stretched for several minutes. He wasn’t purposefully trying to change the subject (well, maybe he was a little). He just... it was true. He didn’t feel like he could go home. He didn’t want to see the look his father would give him, didn’t want to deal with the questions and the interrogations.

“You can,” Zoe said firmly. “I promise you can. You have mom and I on your side.”

“Did you, um... did you see how dad was.... Before you left, did he...?”

Zoe chewed on her lip. “He hadn’t really said anything. I think he was still in shock. I was upstairs, but I didn’t hear any yelling after you left. So... maybe that’s a good sign?”

“Or a really, really bad one.”

“Well... you can’t hide for forever, and staying away will only make it worse. It won’t change the situation.”

Connor sighed, rolling his eyes. “I hate that you’re right.”

“I’m your little sister, you’re supposed to hate me.”

Connor looked up at her, shaking his head.

“I don’t hate you, Zoe. I never did.”

She squeezed his hand and helped him stand.

“Let’s get this over with.”

~*~*~

Connor steeled his nerves, staring at the front door. It was 2am, but the house was lit up - every light on downstairs, plus the light from his parent’s bedroom and his bedroom.

Zoe stood silently at his side, not pushing, just giving him moral support and waiting for him to be ready.

Taking a breath, Connor pushed open the front door. It clicked shut behind them. No one came to greet them this time. Connor glanced nervously at Zoe, who nodded for him to go on. They slowly made their way into the living room, where his parents were sitting, waiting. 

Cynthia looked relieved to see him, relieved he was okay. She nodded her support. Larry was staring at the floor. Everyone waited, breath held, for him to speak first.

The wait was agonizing, the ticking of the clock getting on Connor’s nerves. He wanted to punch that stupid clock.

“How long?”

Connor fidgeted in place, trying to read his father’s tone but coming up empty. He wasn’t sure if he meant how long had he and Evan been together, or how long had he known he was gay. 

“Awhile,” was his reply. It covered both questions, then.

Larry nodded, still refusing to make eye contact with his son. “And I never... I didn’t... see it... how did I not see it?”

It was clear he was talking to himself, so no one tried to answer him. Finally, Larry stood and left the room, heading out to the garage with a soft click of the door. Connor flinched, just the same as of it had been slammed.


	13. These Broken Parts Chapter 13

When Evan woke up the next day, he felt really sore. He felt drained, too, from everything that had happened - and not just the beating he’d taken, but also the fact that his mom now knew about him and Connor...

Evan knew he had to face his mom eventually. Despite Connor’s reassurance that she had been cool, he was still nervous. He hesitated before going downstairs and slipping quietly into the living room. Heidi was sitting on the couch. She looked up from her laptop when Evan entered, and patted the spot beside her.

“How are you feeling?” She asked, resting her hand on his arm gently.

Evan shrugged, staring at his lap. “Sore... lip hurts,” he said, touching it tentatively. It hadn’t needed stitches, but it had bled a lot and was now covered in a thick scab. It hurt if he moved his lips too much. He also had a little bit of a black eye from hitting the locker, plus a small headache. His stomach was black and blue from being kicked, but he was just bruised, not broken. Well, physically, he wasn’t. Mentally and emotionally...? That was a different story.

Heidi nodded. Evan glanced up nervously at her, then back down.

“Evan.” She waited until he was looking at her again. “Evan, I love you.”

Tears welled in Evan’s eyes. His lip trembled, and he looked like he was fighting to keep the tears from actually falling. He failed, and they fell in a downpour of emotion that he couldn’t even begin to process. Heidi held her arms out and Evan slipped into them. She held him tight, rocking him, whispering assurances to him, until he was all cried out. He slumped back against the couch, avoiding eye contact again.

“We don’t have to talk about this until you’re ready, okay? I love you, and you’re safe now, got it? I’ve already gotten you out of school for the next few days, so you can stay home and rest. And-“ she paused, waiting for him to look at her again. “And I’ve already spoken to Mrs. Murphy, and Connor can spend as much time over here as you need - with some rules, of course, but...” She shrugged. “You boys are technically adults, but you’re still living under my roof, so..”

Evan nodded, sinking into his mother, grateful for how amazing she was being. 

“I took a few days off work to be here with you, and I’m here if you need anything or want to talk about anything or- you know, anything.”

Evan nodded into her arm.

“Okay, um, so, I’m gonna make you a good breakfast and you can call Connor when you’re ready.”

She stood, gesturing for him to get comfortable on the couch with the pillows and blankets she’d brought down. Once he was settled, she hustled off to make him food.

He pulled his phone from his pocket.

**Come over?**

Connor had already spoken to Cynthia. He had been staring at his phone for an hour, waiting for Evan to message him. When the message came through, he felt the tension leave his shoulders. He must have had a good conversation with Heidi. He sent a thumbs-up and a heart, then ran downstairs to the kitchen.

“I’m going to Evan’s,” he said, approaching his mom, who was washing dishes. 

She smiled and nodded. “Just remember the rules we discussed. I’ll cover for you here, okay?”

Connor nodded, filled with gratitude and love for his mom. He hesitated, then leaned forward and kissed her cheek before running to leave, anxious to get to Evan. When he turned away from her, she couldn’t help the smile and tears that followed.

~*~*~

Heidi opened the door when Connor knocked. She smiled at him, moving aside and pointing towards the living room.

Connor moved quickly, stopping in the doorway and pausing to drink in the sight of Evan. Evan looked up at him and offered a small smile - all he could manage with a split lip.

Connor sat beside him, planting a gentle kiss on his lips, then opening his arms so Evan could snuggle close. It should have felt weird and awkward with Heidi still in the room. But strangely, it didn’t. It felt... safe.

“Do you want anything to eat, Connor? We’ve still got some bacon and eggs left.”

“Oh, I’m fine, Mrs. H, thanks,” Connor said with a shrug, fighting back a laugh - Evan had a blanket over himself. He’d thrown it partially over Connor, too, and was now tickling Connor’s side from under it. Connor kept trying to swat Evan’s hand away without Heidi noticing.

Heidi gave them a questioning look, but nodded. “Okay, well, I’ll be upstairs if you need anything...”

As soon as she was out of earshot, Connor pulled away from Evan and gently smacked his hand.

“What the hell, dude?” He demanded, but with a laugh to soften his words. “You’re very bold for someone who, just a few months ago, was terrified of anyone finding out you’re gay.”

Evan shrugged. “I dunno. I guess now that everyone knows, it doesn’t feel like such a big deal. It’s nice to just be... us.”

Connor nodded, reaching out for Evan’s hand. Evan twined his fingers through Connor’s, leaned forward for a kiss, then leaned back into him. Connor grabbed the remote and put on a mindless horror movie – no zombies this time – and squeezed Evan’s hand every few minutes as a reminder that he was there, and not going anywhere.

~*~*~*~

“Boys, I’m going out for a bit,” Heidi called from the kitchen a few hours later, making her way in to them. She crossed her arms and put on a stern face. “I’m trusting you alone, so please behave. I won’t be long.”

Connor and Evan nodded, waving Heidi away without looking up from the TV, Connor flipping channels mindlessly, trying to find them something good to watch now that the horror movie had ended.

Heidi rolled her eyes, chuckled, and left.

The second she was gone, Evan rolled over onto Connor’s lap, straddling him and blocking his view of the TV. 

“What are you doing? You’re supposed to be resting,” Connor laughed, playfully trying to push Evan off.

“I am,” Evan shrugged innocently, leaning in for a kiss.

The front door opened suddenly. Evan yelped and fell to the floor in his mad scramble to get off Connor. Connor couldn’t help the snort of laughter that escaped him.

Heidi stared at them, eyebrow raised. “I forgot my phone, I wanted to see what you guys want me to bring home for dinner...”

“I-I... dropped the remote,” Evan said quickly. 

“Yeah... It’s in Connor’s hand.”

“Oh, right, yes. See, I handed it to him and then I fell off. Um.. Off t-the couch, I mean...”

“I wasn’t born yesterday, but okay,” Heidi shrugged. “So, dinner?”

“Pizza,” they both replied quickly. Heidi nodded, staring at them a minute longer before leaving. Evan didn’t move until the lock clicked shut and he heard his mom’s car start, then he slowly got himself off the floor and back beside Connor, who was snickering at him.

“Shut up,” Evan grumbled, staring at the TV, face flaming.


	14. These Broken Parts Chapter 14

The next month was a weird blur. The boys who had beaten Evan up at school were expelled, and no one else really bothered them, though whispers followed them everywhere they went. At some point, Jared and Alana had started eating lunch with them, but none of them really spoke, just ate in a comfortable silence.

Evan and Connor spent a lot of time at Evan’s house. They only went to Connor’s place when his dad was away on business. They even had dinner there with Cynthia, Zoe and Heidi a few times. 

Larry had barely spoken to Connor since that night. He avoided eye contact and refused to be alone with him. As much as he and his father argued, as much as Connor hated him sometimes, he still felt his heart hurting every time his father walked away without speaking to him. He wasn’t sure what was going through his father’s head, but it was almost worse than the screaming matches they had.

There was so much Connor still hadn’t confided in Evan. He wasn’t trying to keep secrets, but he just wasn’t ready to open up about certain things yet. Evan never pushed too hard. He knew how difficult it was for Connor to lay himself out there. 

Connor was contemplating this, among other things, as they lay under their tree one day after school. The park was quiet. Snow was in the forecast for the following week, but today, it was an unusually warm February afternoon, the sun bright. Connor was leaning back against the tree, eyes closed, Evan’s head in his lap.

“Connor Murphy?”

Connor’s eyes snapped open. The color drained from his face. Evan sat up, frowning at the boy before them.

“Miguel.”

Evan turned to Connor, startled. Connor knew this boy? He looked from Connor to the stranger before him and back. Connor scrambled to his feet, avoiding Evan’s eyes. Evan stood, saying nothing, just watching.

“It’s good to see you, man,” Miguel finally said after a few moments of awkward silence. 

Connor only nodded, not trusting his voice to say anything else. He throat was so dry, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. He tried to swallow a few times. 

Miguel’s eyes traveled down, watching Connor’s hands as he nervously fiddled with his bracelets beneath his sweatshirt. Miguel looked up, staring hard at Connor, a knowing look in his eyes.

Connor shook his head, almost imperceptibly, his eyes begging Miguel not to say anything in front of Evan. 

Miguel’s expression grew hard, but he nodded. “See you around.” He turned on his heel and left. 

Connor watched him go. He felt Evan’s questioning eyes on him, but refused to look at him.

Connor didn’t know what to say, so he just sat back down beneath the tree and patted his lap for Evan to join him. Evan sat beside him. He didn’t ask questions, but he avoided touching Connor. 

It wasn’t until after Connor had walked Evan home, and was making his way back to his house, that his phone beeped with a text.

**Our spot, one hour.**

~*~*~

Connor was staring at the lake when he felt the bench shake, indicting Miguel had sat beside him.

“Haven’t seen you around in awhile.”

Connor shrugged. “I couldn’t face you after...”

Miguel was silent for a long time. “Well, it looks like you’ve moved on, huh?”

“Miguel, I’m-“

“No, don’t apologize. I was your first - whatever we were. I guess it makes sense.”

Connor frowned in confusion. Miguel glanced at him and shrugged.

“I was the same way with my first boyfriend. It’s weird, the first time. You’re still coming to terms with everything and it’s hard to open up. You weren’t good with the warm and fuzzy to begin with, and I pushed you too hard.”

Connor opened his mouth to argue, but what came out instead was, “so you’re not mad?”

“No... A little hurt, but not mad.”

Connor felt like a weight had been lifted off him, like he could breathe for the first time in almost a year. 

“I guess that boy doesn’t know about us?”

“No... I’m not - it’s not... I’m not trying to keep it a secret or anything. It’s just... things are still new with Evan. His name is Evan. And he’s kind of...” Connor shrugged. “This is newer for him than it even is for me. I didn’t think he needed to know about my relationship past just yet. He knows enough about my past as it is, about how broken I am. I guess I just didn’t want to scare him off, or push him away, or make him feel like he had to move faster than he wanted to, or whatever.”

He was rambling. He knew he was rambling, but he couldn’t stop himself. 

Miguel put a hand on his arm to steady him. “Connor, stop, it’s fine. You don’t have to explain.”

Connor nodded, letting out a shaky breath. 

“We’re good man, really,” Miguel insisted. “I’ve- well, I’ve moved on, too. I just... I only approached you because I was surprised to see you so, you know, open about it. With age comes wisdom, huh?”

“And the ability to not give a fuck what people think,” Connor added.

Miguel chuckled. “Yeah, that too.” He paused for a minute, collecting his thoughts. “You cut, don’t you?”

A few months ago, this question would have sent him running. But Evan and Zoe both knew now. Evan had seen his scars, and hadn’t recoiled in disgust. So, he nodded.

Miguel nodded back at him. “I put it together after you ran from me.”

Miguel’s phone beeped. He glanced at it, then stood.

“We’re good, man,” he said again, parroting the words he’d spoken a few minutes ago, knowing Connor needed to hear it again to believe it.

Connor looked up at him, met his eyes, and nodded. Miguel nodded back, then walked away, leaving Connor to sit with his thoughts for a while.

~*~*~

Connor was sitting outside Evan’s house the next day when Evan went to leave for school. Connor stood quickly, not sure how to speak, so they just started walking in silence.

“He was an old friend back when I was in boarding school.”

Evan glanced at him, nodded, and looked away. “I won’t push if you don’t want to talk about it.”

Connor shrugged, then realized Evan couldn’t see him. “He was... the first openly gay guy I had ever met. And I had only recently realized I was bi. He kind of... drew me in, I guess?”

Evan could hear the uncertainty in Connor’s voice. “So... friends, you said?”

Connor suddenly stopped walking. He waited for Evan to realize what he had done, waited until he was looking him right in the face.

“He was my first.”

It took Evan a minute to understand why Connor was placing so much emphasis on the word “first.” Then it hit him.

“Oh.”

He started walking again, so suddenly, Connor had to jog to catch up with him.

“It’s in the past, though, Evan. That’s the first time I’ve seen him since before the summer. We’re done, okay? We’ve both moved on. He told me-“

Evan turned to stare at him. “Told you? You guys talked? When?”

Connor squirmed uncomfortably. “I doubled back to the park after I took you home. I just... some things needed to be said.”

Evan nodded quickly, not wanting details, then continued walking.

~*~*~

Evan sat on his bed after school, picking at the comforter, thinking about what Connor had said. He tried not to picture Connor and Miguel together, but his anxiety kept shoving the unwanted mental image into his head. He shook the image away, taking deep breaths to calm his anxiety.

Connor had said he and Miguel were done, that it was in the past. But he had been Connor’s first. You didn’t forget something like that so easy - or so he imagined. He didn’t have personal experience with that kind of thing. Yet.

His brain went in another direction, a direction he didn’t want it to go in. But it did anyway.

Connor had been patient with him so far, hadn’t pushed him. But he was clearly more experienced. How much longer would kisses and cuddles satisfy him for? The thought stewed in his brain for a week. He knew Connor could sense something unsettled in him, but didn’t ask. It was both a good and bad thing, this unspoken rule between them, this desire not to push the other too far. Neither of them was great at communication, and it was going to get them in trouble sooner or later. Probably sooner

~*~*~

**My mom has an overnight shift. Come over?**

Connor was there less than an hour after receiving the text. Evan looked more nervous than usual when he opened the door. Connor leaned in to kiss him, but Evan pulled away after only a quick brush of their lips, pulling Connor inside and locking the front door.

“Everything okay?” Connor asked, growing concerned.

“Yeah, s-sure, of course. Let’s go up, um, lets go to my room.”

Connor tried to question him more, but Evan had grabbed his hand and was pulling him upstairs. 

When they got inside, the first thing Connor noticed was how clean the room was. Then he realized Evan was closing and locking his bedroom door - weird, since they were home alone.

“Evan, what-?”

Evan pulled Connor to him, their bodies pressed together, kissing him long and hard. Connor was surprised, but didn’t object, not even when Evan slowly pulled him backwards onto the bed. After a few minutes of heavy kissing, Evan slowly pulled back, and yanked his shirt over his head.

Connor quirked a brow, a question in his eyes. Instead of answering with words, Evan leaned in for more kisses, gently tugging Connor’s shirt up over his head and tossing it to the floor.

Connor felt his body responding as they lay back on the bed, Evan’s body warm beneath his. He trailed kisses down Evan’s chest, ran a hand down his arm, pressed his chapped lips against Evan’s soft ones. 

It wasn’t until Evan tried to unbutton Connor’s jeans that Connor realized Evan’s hands were shaking. 

“Evan-“

He responded by pulling Connor in for another kiss, but Connor pulled away, pulling them both up into a sitting position. Evan wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“Evan, we don’t have to do this if you aren’t ready.”

Evan still wouldn’t meet his eyes. He picked at a loose string on his comforter. 

“Evan, talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong.”

Finally, Evan looked up at him. “I just, um, it’s just...”

Connor took Evan’s hand and squeezed. “The truth, Evan.”

Evan’s lip trembled. “We’ve been dating for, like, four months and-and I just, um, I figured, well...” He choked on his words, looking down. 

“Evan,” Connor said sharply.

“Okay, okay. I just-I just... you have... experience, and so, I figured... I mean...”

And then it hit Connor like a punch to the gut. “This is about Miguel, isn’t it?”

Evan nodded, his whole body shaking again. 

“Oh, Evan,” Connor sighed, exasperated. He grabbed a blanket and pulled it around Evan’s shoulders. “Miguel is in my past. What happened between us... it was different from what we have. Don’t let the voices in your head mess with you, okay? I’m not going break up with you if we don’t- It’s when you’re ready, okay?”

Evan hesitated a moment, letting Connor’s words sink in. Then he nodded, finally meeting Connor’s eyes. “Okay.”

Connor kissed him, then retrieved their shirts. They got dressed and went down to the living room, where Connor ordered them pizza and they hung out on the couch for a few more hours. 

When he went to leave, Connor forced Evan to look at him again. 

“I swear, you’re you and you’re enough. You’re not Miguel and you shouldn’t ever compare yourself to him. I’m with YOU, not him.”

Evan finally slumped his shoulders and relaxed. Connor kissed him goodbye, and he watched Connor walk away until he couldn’t see him anymore.

~*~*~

When Connor got home, his dad was waiting for him in the living room.

Connor’s first instinct was to run upstairs and slam his door. He didn’t need this tonight. But the second he turned around, his dad called his name. It was the hesitation in his voice that made Connor turn back to him.

“Can we... talk?”

Reluctantly, Connor walked into the living room and slumped onto the couch across from his dad.

Larry was silent for so long, Connor finally stood to leave.

“I’m sorry.”

Well, that froze him in his tracks. He slowly sat back down, staring at his dad, waiting for him to say something more. This was the first time they’d been alone in a room, first time they’d spoken, in over a month.

“I didn’t know how to talk to you. I didn’t know how to talk about... this.”

Connor knew what he meant. 

“I’m not... You’re not...”

Connor stiffened. Not what? Not gay? Not allowed in this house anymore? Not allowed to see Evan? 

“I love you, son.”

“I... wait, what?”

They stared at each other for a long time, silent. It wasn’t what Connor had expected. 

“I love you,” Larry repeated. “No matter what, you’re my son. I can’t promise that I won’t make mistakes, or that I’ll always know what to say, or even say the right thing, where this.. part of you is concerned... But I can promise I’ll try. We might still fight and I might still yell, but... I’ll try, okay? I’ll try my best to listen and learn and understand.”

Connor felt tears welling in his eyes. The Murphy men weren’t exactly great at expressing or sharing their feelings. But this was a giant olive branch, and he clung to it. 

“Come here, son,” Larry finally said, standing and reaching out to Connor, who fell gratefully into his father’s arms. Larry hugged him tightly, holding on a second longer than he would have normally, before pulling back and resting a hand on Connor’s shoulder.

“Can I ask you something?”

Connor couldn’t help a small smile. “Sure.”

Larry cleared his throat and looked Connor in the eye. “Why are your pants undone?”


	15. These Broken Parts Chapter 15

Two weeks later, Evan sat beside Connor at his dining room table. Zoe was across from them, Larry on the left and Cynthia on the right. The table was covered with the most delicious-looking meal.

“So, Evan, how did you and my son, um, meet?”

It was obvious how hard Larry was trying. Cynthia was beaming, and Zoe seemed highly amused by how uncomfortable he was.

“Oh, well, at school. Just.. at school.”

Larry nodded. “And you’ve known each other...”

“Since the beginning of the school year,” Evan replied quickly. “Since, um, the first day, I guess. I mean, I’d seen him around before that, obviously, but that was the first time we, you know, that we talked.”

Larry nodded, trying to smile. “Right, right. And you’ve been....” He cleared his throat. “You’ve been.... dating.... for how long?”

Connor couldn’t believe how hard his father was trying. He didn’t even mind his discomfort, since it kind of felt like payback for everything he’d put Connor through. 

“Oh, um..” Evan glanced at Connor, then back at Mr. Murphy. “Since November, I guess, officially.”

Connor nodded in agreement. 

Larry nodded, smiling more than was necessary. “Good, that’s good.”

And so it went through the whole meal, including desert. After, Connor announced that he was going to walk Evan home, and Larry didn’t even object, just reminded him to be home before 9pm since it was a school night.

They held hands as they walked.

“Well that wasn’t fucking awkward at all,” Connor said after awhile, chuckling to soften his words.

“But he’s trying. You didn’t think he would, and he is.”

Connor nodded. “Yeah, he is. It’s weird... my whole family surprised me. I never thought that would happen...”

Before leaving Evan at his door, Connor leaned in for a long kiss. It said everything he hadn’t yet been able to. Evan wrapped his arms around Connor and kissed him back, pressing closer.

“Oh! Hey, I thought I heard a noise!”

They sprang apart, Evan blushing bright red. “Mom!”

Heidi smirked, waving cheekily at them. “Hi.”

Connor’s eyes widened. “H-hi, Mrs. Hansen. I-um, I was just... See you tomorrow, Ev!” And he bolted. 

Heidi chuckled, and Evan glared at her, following her inside the house.

“Mom, seriously??”

She turned and shrugged. “I’m your mom, I’m supposed to embarrass you.”

Evan rolled his eyes. 

“So, do we need to have any kind of conversation about this?” Heidi asked as she settled back onto the couch. 

“What?!?” Evan yelped, shuffling uncomfortably. “No, mom, no!”

“You sure? Cause...?” She shrugged. “Seems like we do.”

Evan blushed so furiously, his whole body grew warm. He mumbled something about going to bed and bolted upstairs, the sounds of his mom chuckling following him.

~*~*~

Connor approached Evan at his locker the next day.

“Heyy.... so, uh, were we... did your mom...?”

Evan blushed, shaking his head furiously. “Don’t remind me of anything to do with last night, please.”

Connor smirked at his embarrassment. 

“Connor Murphy smiling?!? That’s still a sight for sore eyes.”

“Shut up, Kleinman,” Connor said through gritted teeth.

“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that,” Jared said lightly. “We’re cool.”

Connor rolled his eyes as Jared melted into the crowd. 

“I never know if he’s being sincere or not...” Connor mused, shaking his head before turning to Evan.

“My mom tried to have The Talk with me,” Evan suddenly blurted.

“Oh... awkward...” Connor said, his voice cracking with embarrassment. 

Evan fidgeted with his shirt, tugging it down and shifting from one foot to the other.

“I told her she doesn’t need to, um.. That w-we don’t need that conversation... but...” He looked up from under his lashes, meeting Connor’s eyes for the quickest second before looking away again. 

“Are you saying... what I think you’re saying...?”

Evan couldn’t manage to make eye contact, but he nodded.

“Are you sure this is you talking, and nothing influencing you?”

Evan finally made eye contact and nodded. “Yes,” he said firmly.

Connor couldn’t help but break into a smile. “Okay, then.”

~*~*~

It was another two weeks before Heidi worked another overnight shift. Connor had things planned as meticulously as he’d ever planned anything in his life. His dad was on business, Zoe was at a friend’s house again, and he’d easily convinced his mom Heidi would be home supervising them all night. She was still so happy from everything that had happened, still so grateful that Evan had helped bring her son back to her, that she didn’t really question it anytime they wanted to hang out, didn’t even ask if Heidi wasn’t going to be home or not.

At exactly 8pm, he stood outside Evan’s door and knocked, feeling more nervous than he thought he would.

Evan opened the door, looking just as nervous as Connor felt. They kissed and went inside. The table was already set with plates and Chinese take-out containers. Evan had finally mastered the art of ordering food over the phone. 

They ate in a comfortable silence, making small talk here and there. After cleaning up, they spent some time watching TV. It had been Connor’s idea to make this a proper date, not just a hook-up. 

After a few hours, they made their way up to Evan’s room. 

“We can stop,” Connor reminded him. “Anytime you feel uncomfortable, we can stop.”

Evan nodded pulling Connor to him and kissing him, conveying in his kiss how ready he was. This wasn’t like the last time. He was truly ready. 

They pressed close together, kissing until their lips were swollen, before collapsing onto the bed.

Connor rolled on top of Evan, showering him with more kisses. 

Evan sat up, putting his arms over his head so Connor could pull his shirt off. Connor complied, then pulled his own shirt off, too. He pressed more kisses to Evan’s lips, then down his chest and stomach. He even blew a raspberry against his stomach, which made the ticklish boy squirm and giggle.

This time, when Evan went to unbutton Connor’s pants, his hands didn’t shake.

~*~*~

They lay side by side after, covers crumpled around them, both breathing hard.

“You okay?” Connor asked, glancing sideways at Evan.

Evan nodded, smiling a small smile at him. “Definitely.”

Connor returned his smile, leaning over to kiss the beautiful boy beside him.

“I’m hungry.”

Connor chuckled. “Worked up an appetite, eh?”

Evan swatted his arm, but couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him. “Shut up,” he said playfully. 

Connor grinned, giving Evan one more quick kiss before sitting up and pulling his boxers and jeans back on.

“How long till your mom gets home?”

Evan glanced at the clock as he dressed. “An hour.” 

Connor nodded as they, now fully dressed, made their way downstairs for left-over Chinese and cookies. 

“Man, I’m stuffed,” Evan groaned after eating more Chinese food and three cookies.

“Yeah you were,” Connor teased.

Evan blushed, making the cutest shocked face. 

“Okay, I guess I better go, just in case your mom comes home early,” Connor said reluctantly, sighing. He hated leaving so soon after.. Well, after what they’d just done. But he had a feeling Heidi wouldn’t be as calm as his mom about them having unsupervised time together. 

Evan knew he was right, but hated it all the same. It was agonizing to say goodbye after the night they’d had.

Their goodbye kiss lasted longer than it usually did, and Evan watched Connor leave with an ache in his chest. Only once he couldn’t see Connor anymore did he close and lock the door, then set about cleaning the place up so his mom wouldn’t know Connor had been over. For some weird reason, he couldn’t look at his bed the same way now.


	16. These Broken Parts Chapter 16

“We should go on a proper date.”

Connor looked up at Evan, frowning. “What do you mean? We’ve been on dates...”

“No, we’ve hung out at our houses and the orchard and the park, plus that one time at the diner. We should go, I dunno, to a movie or, um, out to eat or something.”

“Oh... Okay,” Connor said with a shrug. “Yeah, whatever you wanna do.” He drummed his fingers on the cafeteria table. “You know, I never told you this, but... I... uh.... I sorta...” He blushed, looking away.

“You’re blushing,” Evan pointed out, unable to stop a smile from spreading over his face. “Come on, it can’t be that bad, whatever it is - do you still sleep with a teddy bear or something?”

Connor blushed harder. “No... well, maybe...” He scowled when Evan laughed at him. “Okay, Mr. Ninja Turtle Night Light.”

Evan’s mouth fell open in embarrassment. “Hey!”

Connor snickered, shaking his head at Evan. “Don’t dish it out if you can’t handle getting your ass handed back to you.”

“I mean, YOU can hand my ass back to me, if you want...”

Connor’s eyes widened. He looked around the cafeteria to make sure no one had heard him. “You’re getting bold, dude.”

Evan shrugged. “Everyone important knows at this point, so who cares who hears me?”

Connor nodded. “True. Anyway, I’m trying to tell you something..”

“Oh, right, sorry.” Evan made a show of gathering himself together, staring intently at Connor.

“The night you came home from the hospital... When you had the panic attack and I ran back to your place to help you...”

Evan frowned, nodding. He didn’t like remembering that day. But whatever this was, it was important enough for Connor to bring up.

“My dad caught me trying to leave, and he wouldn’t let me go, so...” Connor shrugged. “I don’t know why I haven’t told you this, it’s been like a month since that night, but...”

“Connor,” Evan said firmly. When Connor looked at him, Evan took his hand. “Just tell me already. Dragging it out is giving me major anxiety...”

“I told my dad that I had to leave because my boyfriend needed me.”

Evan didn’t know what to say. They’d never used the “B” word with each other, but Evan definitely liked the sound of that.

“But, um...” Connor fidgeted uncomfortably. Maybe bringing this up in the middle of school hadn’t been a great idea....

Evan’s heart cracked into a million pieces. There was a “but” coming. Did Connor not want to be his boyfriend? He was the one who had said it, but maybe it had been more about shocking Larry than really meaning it.

“It-it’s fine,” Evan said quickly. Now he knew why the idea of a real date had shocked Connor; he didn’t want to be more than whatever they were, clearly regretted calling Evan his boyfriend. Maybe he didn’t even want to date anymore. Maybe he was breaking up with Evan...

Evan pulled away, fumbling to grab his stuff. “It’s fine,” he repeated. “We don’t... it’s fine, okay? I’m fine, it’s.... Sorry...”

Connor grabbed Evan’s arm. Evan refused to make eye contact with him. His lip was trembling and he could feel the tears gathering in his eyes. He didn’t think Connor was so heartless that he’d break up with him at school, but ... Maybe he was wrong.

“Ev, sit,” Connor said firmly.

Evan was shaking all over and his legs were ready to give out anyway, so he sat, but he stared at the table so Connor couldn’t see his tears.

“Ev-“

“If you’re going to break up with me, can we wait until after school?”

“What?” Connor spoke so loudly, half the cafeteria stopped to stare at them.

“Oh, fuck off,” Connor snarled at them, glaring. Everyone immediately looked away. Though Connor had softened in the past few months, his reputation still scared most people into staying away, and no one wanted to mess with him.

“I just, um, I don’t really want to c-cry at school, so...”

“Evan, look at me.”

Evan took a deep, shaky breath before complying.

“I am NOT breaking up with you,” Connor said firmly. “I was just gonna say that-that, well.... I sort of told my dad you were my boyfriend without checking with you first if you even WANTED to be my boyfriend..”

The relief hit Evan so hard, he sagged in his chair. “Oh! Oh god, I really... I thought...”

Connor shook his head, taking Evan’s hand again. “No, you doofus. Shut those voices up or I’m gonna have to shut them up for you,” he said, pointing at Evan’s head.

Evan tried to laugh, but it came out as a gaspy hiccup from crying. “Sorry. I can’t always h-help it.”

“Stop apologizing,” Connor scolded. “So, uh.... d-do you wanna be my boyfriend..?”

Evan nodded, finally smiling again.

“Awwww, how precious,” Jared said, setting his tray down and sitting beside Evan. “Now sweep him off his feet like they do in all those cheesy romance movies.”

“You watch romance movies?” Connor mocked him. “Now why does that not surprise me?”

Jared sneered at him. “Oh, shut up, Murphy.”

“Fuck off, Kleinman,” Connor said, giving him the finger.

Evan rolled his eyes. “You two...”

Connor opened his mouth to argue, but the bell rang. He shook his head, standing and grabbing his bag.

“Walk home together?” He asked Evan, who nodded eagerly.

“I’d kiss you right now, but...” Evan looked around nervously. There were still a lot of people on the cafeteria.. Though everyone at school knew about them, thanks to that day Evan got beat up, they still tried to downplay the PDA. No one really bothered them, but better safe than sorry.

Connor waved his worries away. “It’s fine, we’ll make up for it once we’re alone later.”

Jared made a noise like he was vomiting. Connor smacked him over the head. Rather than get mad, Jared hooted with laughter, before waving goodbye to them.

“See you after school!” Evan called, as he and Connor walked in separate directions for class.

~*~*~

“So, when does your mom do another overnight?”

“Umm...” It took a minute for Evan’s brain to remember; he still felt frazzled from his near-breakdown in the cafeteria earlier. “Tomorrow night, actually.”

Connor grinned, giving Evan’s hand a squeeze. “Perfect! I’ll meet you at your place and we’ll go grab a bite and see a movie, and then go back to your house for... other stuff...” he smirked at Evan’s blush. It was SO easy to make Evan blush. He loved it.

“Sounds good,” Evan agreed, as they reached his door.

“Is your mom home now?”

Evan shook his head. Connor grinned. “Good, no interruptions this time..” He leaned in and wrapped Evan in his arms, kissing him passionately. Evan leaned into him, returning the kiss with every ounce of love he could pour into it. When they finally pulled apart, they were both gasping a little.

“See you tomorrow night,” Connor said with a wave, as he left Evan staring after him, a goofy smile on his face.

~*~*~

Connor didn’t exactly have anything fancy to wear, but he tried. He washed his hair and re-applied his nail polish. He put on the pair of jeans that had the least holes, the cleanest black t-shirt he had, and the nicest hoodie he could find (which just meant it still looked black, not faded to gray from wearing and washing a million times.

He was putting his rings and bracelets on when a noise behind him startled him.

“Getting all fancy, huh?” Zoe asked, smirking at him.

“Go away, I’m busy,” Connor demanded, rolling his eyes.

Zoe flopped on his bed, lying on her stomach. She grabbed his pillow and used it to prop her head up.

“Well that’s the OPPOSITE of going away.” Connor shook his head, clasping his bracelet and turning back to glare at her, arms crossed.

“Where ya goin?” She asked lightly, but she knew already. Her brother wouldn’t bother getting dressed up for anyone but Evan.

“My boyfriend and I are going out, not that it’s your business.”

Zoe sat up so suddenly, Connor’s pillow hit the floor. “Whoa, wait, boyfriend?!? When did THAT happen?”

Connor blushed, scratching at his wrists. He shrugged. “I asked him officially yesterday at lunch.”

“And you didn’t tell me till NOW???”

Connor rolled his eyes. “We just started talking again, sorry if I’m used to screaming at you to fuck off instead of confessing my deepest secrets to you.”

“Okay, but this is HUGE!”

“Don’t make this a bigger deal than it has to be, Zo, please,” Connor begged. “And don’t tell mom, she’ll make a huge deal out of it, too.”

“Don’t tell mom what?”

Connor and Zoe both jumped. Cynthia stood in the doorway with Connor’s laundry basket, giving them both a suspicious Mom Stare.

“Nothing,” Connor said quickly, while Zoe blurted, “Connor asked Evan to be his boyfriend!”

Connor groaned, as Cynthia’s face lit up. “Connor, oh, sweetie, that’s-“ She paused, seeing the look of discomfort on his face. “I mean, that’s wonderful! Well, have fun tonight!”

Connor waved at her and ran from his room, trying to escape before things got any more awkward.

“Zoe, stop embarrassing your brother,” Cynthia scolded once Connor was out of earshot, but she couldn’t help the grin she threw her daughter’s way.

Zoe shrugged. “I can’t help it. I’m his little sister, I’m SUPPOSED to embarrass him. Plus...” she paused, shrugging again. “It’s nice to have Connor back... I can’t help but tease him. It’s nice not to be screaming at each other anymore.”

Cynthia put the laundry basket down and held her arms out for Zoe, who came in for a hug.

“I know, sweetie. I know.”


	17. These Broken Parts Chapter 17

Connor hadn’t felt this nervous in a long time, but this felt really official now. Evan was his boyfriend. They were going on a date. He put his hand up to knock, when the door flew open.

“Oh- h-hi... I, um, thought I heard a noise, so...”

Connor grinned. Evan was trying to play it cool, but it was obvious he’d been watching for Connor out the window.

“Shut up and kiss me,” Evan demanded - although he still wasn’t great at “demanding” things, and sounded more like he was begging than demanding.

Connor snickered, leaning in and kissing him. Evan blushed, locked the door behind him, and then they started walking, hand-in-hand.

“So there’s an old zombie movie playing at that theater down on Main Street,” Connor said, after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

“You know I hate zombie movies, they terrify me.”

“I know,” Connor grinned wickedly.

Evan opened his mouth to ask why, then, but it suddenly hit him... “Seriously Connor-“ he whined, blushing and swatting Connor’s arm.

“Any excuse to be closer to you,” Connor replied with an unapologetic shrug.

Evan shook his head. “Okay, fine, you win.” Cause honestly? Evan liked the sound of that, too.

~*~*~

The theater was small and not very crowded, but they still chose seats in the back so no one would bother them if they DID engage in some PDA.

Connor settled the popcorn bucket on his leg, and the soda in the cup holder between them.

The best part about this theater - aside from the fact that it played old movies, so ticket prices were cheaper - was that it didn’t bother with previews. The movie began right away. Evan dug into the popcorn, figuring he should eat now while he could still keep his eyes open to see what he was doing. He sipped some soda, then passed it to Connor, who took a few sips before putting it down.

It wasn’t long before the movie started to get gory. Evan sighed. “You owe me,” he whined to Connor, covering his eyes with his hand. He could feel Connor shaking with laughter.

Evan peaked out between his fingers just as one of the zombies ripped someone’s head off. He whimpered, turning into Connor and hiding his face in Connor’s side.

Connor grinned, putting an arm around Evan and getting as close as the theater chairs would allow.

“Hey, can we be a cliche and make out?” Connor asked suddenly. He immediately felt embarrassed and was glad for the dark so Evan couldn’t see him blush. He used to make fun of the couples that made out in the back of movie theaters, but now it sounded nice - daring, even. The idea that they could be caught at any second thrilled him.

Evan looked up at Connor, a goofy look on his face. It was so not a Connor thing to say, and it surprised him. He was also surprised by his OWN reaction, which was to immediately start making out with his boyfriend. Sure, the theater wasn’t crowded, but the lone worker - stuck doing concession stand and usher work - could come by at any second and hit them with his flashlight beam and scold them or kick them out. Evan’s heart pounded in his chest as their kissing intensified. He was leaning over the armrest, which was digging painfully into his stomach, but he didn’t care.

Connor moved the popcorn bucket and soda over to the seat beside them without breaking contact with Evan. He parted Evan’s lips with his tongue, surprising Evan, who started to pull back, but then fell back into it. One hand weaved its way into Connor’s hair, while his other hand crept up Connor’s leg, a single destination in mind. When he found what he was looking for, Connor let out a strangled moan, grabbing at Evan, trying to pull him into his lap.

“Hey, you two!”

Connor and Evan pulled apart, staring into the face of the annoyed teenager who worked there. He looked surprised at first when Connor and Evan pulled away, like he hadn’t been expecting it to be two dudes, but he just shook it off and flashed his flashlight in their faces.

Connor glanced worriedly at Evan, but his anxious boy was fighting back a mischievous grin. Connor rolled his eyes.

Connor tugged Evan’s hand. Evan nodded, and they mumbled apologies before running out of the theater. Evan had had it with the movie anyway, and both boys were too worked up to settle back in for another hour.

When they reached the sidewalk, they both cracked up, the thrill making them feel high and giddy.

“Dinner, or...?”

Evan hesitated. He liked this proper date thing, but his body hadn’t fully settled down and all he could think about was his empty house and....

“I mean, or we could just order in...?” Evan said hopefully, shrugging innocently.

“I like how your mind thinks, Ev,” Connor said with a wicked grin.

~*~*~

They stopped and ordered Chinese food on the way back to Evan’s house. Since Connor had promised Evan an actual date, he made Evan sit on the couch while he grabbed plates, silverware, cups and soda. He laid everything out on the table and doled out the food.

“I don’t care what we watch, but NO zombie movies, please,” Evan said firmly, once they’d settled down with their plates of food. Evan was sitting pressed against Connor’s side with his legs draped over Connor’s lap, forking food into his mouth. 

Connor smirked innocently at Evan. “Okay, sure...” he said. He flipped through channels until he found a zombie movie.

“Connor,” Evan warned, putting his plate on the coffee table and grabbing for the remote, but Connor held it out of reach, laughing wickedly. Evan almost fell off the couch in his effort to reach the remote, grabbing onto Connor’s leg to stop himself from hitting the floor. When he looked up at Connor, their faces were inches apart. Connor flashed him another grin, kissing him before pulling back.

Screams from the TV startled Evan. He glanced up to see a zombie disemboweling someone. He gagged, hiding his face in Connor’s shoulder. 

“I hate you,” Evan grumbled. 

“Love you, too,” Connor said teasingly, shaking with laughter.... Until he realized what he’d said. He froze, panicked. What the hell had made him say that?!?!?!?

Evan slowly pulled away, eyes wide, staring at Connor, making sure he heard him right.

Connor opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. He was at a loss for words. He realized he meant it, though. He loved the anxious boy sitting next to him.

“I... I love you, too,” Evan finally replied, nervously playing with the frayed blanket next to him.

Connor reached out a shaking hand, cupping Evan’s cheek. He leaned in and kissed him. Evan deepened the kiss, pushing closer to Connor, flipping into his lap so he was straddling him. Connor locked his arms around Evan’s back, pulling him as close as he could. Evan ran his hands through Connor’s hair, pressing every part of his body against Connor’s. 

When they finally pulled back for air, they looked deep into each other’s eyes. 

“My room?” Evan choked out, gasping for air. Connor nodded, unable to find the words he needed. Evan stood on shaky legs and they made their way upstairs, tumbling onto Evan’s bed.

~*~*~

“Evan, are you home?”

Evan jumped at the sound of his mom’s voice.

“Shit!! Connor! Shit shit shit!”

He nearly fell off his bed in his hurry to get dressed and throw Connor’s clothes at him. Connor finally startled awake, pulling his sweatshirt off his face.

“Dude, what the he-“

“Shhh!!!!!! We fell asleep! My mom is home!” Evan stage-whispered frantically.

Connor’s eyes widened. “I’m starting to notice a pattern with us...”

Evan glared at him. “You have to get dressed and hide!!” Evan could hear his mom coming up the stairs, her voice getting louder as she called for him. “Hide in the closet!”

“Really? The closet?” Connor quirked a brow. “There’s some kinda joke in there somewhere...”

“Shh!!!! Just get dressed and do it, fast!”

Connor rolled his eyes, but did as he was told. Evan had JUST managed to flop back onto his bed when his mom knocked on the door, then opened it.

“Oh! Mom! You’re home! I, um, must have fallen asleep...”

Heidi stared around his room, crossing her arms. “That’s a lot of Chinese food downstairs... For one person, you know.”

Evan opened and closed his mouth. “O-oh? I um... Leftovers!! I figured I’d have leftovers... for, um... tomorrow?”

Heidi took in the state of Evan’s bed, before sweeping her eyes across his room, narrowing in on a pair of combat boots that very clearly didn’t belong to her son.

“Uh-huh...” Heidi replied, nodding.

Evan tried to fake a yawn, his eyes darting to his closet every few seconds. “I.. uh.. I’m pretty tired, so, um...”

Heidi caught his glances, and edged towards the closet, keeping her eyes on her son. “Oh, I’m sure... long night?”

“Oh, well, you know... Connor and I saw that movie and had, um... we ate dinner and then he, you know, went home.”

“Ahhh,” Heidi said with a nod. “So... you guys ate dinner at the diner?”

“Yeah... um... yup. And then he went home.”

“But you ordered Chinese food? For two people?”

Evan was sweating bullets. “Oh w-well, see...”

“He’s in there, isn’t he?” She finally asked, pointing at his closet.

“N-n-nooo? Of course not...”

“Okay, yeah, if you say so...” Heidi started to reach for the door knob

“I s-swear, he’s, uh.... h-he’s not. He’s home,” he said frantically.

“Hi, Connor,” Heidi called through the door.

There was a thump, a small “shit!” And then silence.

Heidi glanced at Evan, eyebrows quirked, head tilted in a “you’re busted” look.

“Connor, your shoes are out here, so...”

“Shit,” Evan grumbled, as another “shit” echoed from the closet.

Slowly, the door opened and Connor edged out, looking very uncomfortable.

“We- uh, we... I mean... we just, um.. the movie sucked so-so-so, um, we came b-back here to watch, um, s-something else.”

“So you left your food downstairs and came up here to watch a movie, when we have a TV downstairs?”

“Yeah, um, right,” Evan gulped nervously.

Heidi gritted her teeth, pointing at Connor. “Connor’s shirt is backwards... AND inside out.”

Connor glanced down at himself. “Fuck..”

“Language!” Heidi scolded, dropping her head into her hands in exasperation. “Okay... downstairs. Now. Connor, I’m calling your mom to come get you.”

“Please, Mrs. H...” Connor said suddenly, his voice trembling. “Please don’t tell my parents. They’ll kill me, especially my dad. He’s still not totally, um... comfortable... with me being...” He looked down at his shoes. “Please...”

“Nothing h-happened, anyway,” Evan stammered, blushing furiously. “Just.. uh... just k-k-kissing...” Man, it was awkward as hell talking to his mom about this. It was also a giant lie, and he was a BAD liar, but he did his best - this was NOT the time to get caught in a lie.

Heidi softened, seeming to believe him. “Okay, fine. I’ll give you a warning this time. But next time...” she glared from one to the other. “You boys are too young for this, and you haven’t been dating long. Just... Slow it down, okay? There’s plenty of time for... that.”

Both boys blushed furiously, staring at the floor, mumbling an “okay.”

“Okay, Connor, time to go home.” Heidi walked out to give them some privacy. Because as much as she had scolded them, she remembered what it was like being a teenager, and she wasn’t stupid.

Connor’s hands shook as he got his shoes on, kissed Evan goodbye, then slipped passed Heidi, down the stairs, and out the door.


	18. These Broken Parts Chapter 18

Connor and Evan sat silently at lunch the next day, both feeling too embarrassed to speak.

“Lovers quarrel?” Jared asked, plopping his tray down and sitting.

Connor and Evan glanced at each other, then away.

“Okay, but seriously..?” Jared looked from one to the other.

“It’s...” Evan cleared his throat. “No, not fighting. Just...” He blushed bright red.

“Dudes...” Jared actually looked concerned, glancing from one boy to the other.

Connor exchanged a look with Evan, shrugged, and went back to playing with his food.

“W-well..” Evan began, quickly filling Jared in on the night before. When he was done, Jared stared at them in stunned silence.

“You made him hide in the CLOSET? Oh my god,” Jared finally said, whooping with laughter.

“It’s not funny! It.. it was...” Evan blushed deeper, burying his face in his hands.

Jared wiped tears of laughter from his eyes. “It was definitely funny. Oh man,” he chuckled.

Connor glared at him, ready to smack him.

“Let’s go, Ev,” Connor said, standing abruptly. “I can’t do this today.”

Evan nodded in agreement, and followed Connor, Jared’s laughter following them out. They snuck out of the school building and made their way to the orchard. Connor sat against their tree, Evan lying with his head in Connor’s lap. Connor lit a joint, blowing the smoke up and away from Evan.

“You know my mom’s gonna kill me if she finds out I skipped school, on top of everything else..” Evan said with a sigh. “But I couldn’t stand to be there anymore, either. 

Connor grabbed Evan’s hand, squeezing. “Just tell her you had a panic attack, she won’t bug out then.”

“Probably not.” Evan fell silent for a while, then glanced up at Connor. “You know, her catching us aside, last night was... amazing.”

Connor smiled down at Evan, bringing the hand he was holding to his lips and kissing it. He took another drag from his joint, then leaned back and closed his eyes.

~*~*~

When Evan got home, Heidi was sitting on the couch, staring stony faced at the door. Shit, the school must have called her... He approached cautiously, fingers nervously playing with the hem of his shirt.

“Hi...?”

Heidi didn’t say a word, just beckoned him to come closer.

“Is there anything you want to tell me?”

He’d never heard his mom sound so deadly calm... 

“I-I... don’t think so?” His voice was too high, too nervous. How could she know? How could the school have called her so quickly?

Heidi pursed her lips. She held her hand out to her son, palm up. A condom wrapper.

“Really?”

Evan felt his entire face heat up. “Y-you went in m-my room..?”

“I went to get your laundry. Don’t make me the bad guy here. I asked you if we needed to have this conversation when I caught you and Connor outside a few weeks ago. You said no. Last night, you told me nothing happened, just kissing.”

Evan slowly sank into the chair across from his mother. “I-I-I-“

Heidi held a hand up. “I get it, Evan, you’re a teenager. I was a teenager once, too, you know. I know how awkward this is. I just wish... Well, at least you were safe.”

“Mom,” Evan groaned, putting his face in his hands.

“Don’t ‘mom’ me, Evan,” Heidi said sternly. “I wish you’d talked to me about this first...” She sighed, shaking her head. “Please tell me that... just tell me one thing. It was mutual, right? He didn’t push you into it?”

“Mom!!! No, of course not!!!”

Heidi nodded, visibly relaxing. “I know it’s weird talking to me about this, Evan, but I’m your mother. You need to be honest with me, okay?” 

Evan nodded frantically. Saying he was embarrassed was an understatement.

“Please j-just, um, don’t let him know you know, okay, please? Don’t make this more awkward than it has to-to be, please?”

Heidi nodded. “I’m not cruel, Ev, jeez.”

Evan stared down at his hands, nodding a thank you. 

“I have, um, homework,” he finally said, after the silence became too much to bear. He made his escape to his room, sinking into his bed, face flaming in embarrassment.

~*~*~

“What’s up with you today?” Connor questioned, as they stood at Evan’s locker the next day. Evan had been avoiding him most of the day, and refusing to look him in the eye whenever they did run into each other.

“What? Nothing,” Evan said, but his voice went high and cracked. He cleared his throat, shoving books too quickly into his locker and dropping them on the floor. He knelt down to grab them, slipped, and fell into the lockers. His butt hit the ground and he just stayed there, his head in his hands.

“Hey, Ev,” Connor said gently, trying to push down his worry. He sat in front of Evan, cross-legged, and put a hand on his shoulder. “Talk to me. What’s going on?”

Evan shook his head, keeping his face in his hands so he wouldn’t have to look Connor in the eye. “N-nothing. Just... d-didn’t sleep well, is all.”

Connor frowned. He knew Evan well enough to know when he was lying. He didn’t want to push, but he was worried.

“Ev... Did I... Is it something I did?” Connor finally asked, his voice a low rumble as he bit the inside of his cheek to keep his lip from trembling.

Evan finally looked up, eyes wide. “N-no, of course not! I... it’s...” He hung his head. He had tried so, so hard to act normal. He didn’t want Connor to know his mom knew what they’d done the night before. He was worried it would upset Connor, or push him away. But it was clear that HE was the one pushing Connor away by not being honest with him. He knew what anxiety paranoia was like, and he didn’t want to make Connor’s anxiety worse. 

“Um...” Evan sighed, fiddling with his sneakers. “You didn’t do anything. I was just... It’s stupid, but... Not here, okay?”

Connor frowned worriedly, but nodded. “Now, or after class?”

“Now,” Evan said immediately. The final bell rang, signaling everyone to get to class. Connor took Evan’s hand, helping him stand. Evan threw all his stuff back into his locker, and they made their escape.

Evan was silent all the way to the orchard. He was so embarrassed. He didn’t want to tell Connor what had happened... Would Connor hate him for it? Be mad? Upset? Would he care? Would it push him away?

By the time they got to their tree, Evan’s legs were shaking so hard, he collapsed to the ground almost immediately. He was starting to hyperventilate. Connor sat across from him, placing a hand on Evan’s leg to comfort him.

“Ev, you’re really starting to freak me out here...”

Evan nodded, trying to take deep breaths. He still couldn’t look Connor in the eyes.

“It’s... it’s stupid... I’m just, um, r-really embarrassed...” Evan shook his head, trying to shake away the tears that were forming. “I don’t know how you’re going to react and I’m, um.. I’m kind of... s-scared...”

Connor’s heart started to pound in his chest. What the hell was going on? He hadn’t seen Evan like this in a REALLY long time.

“Ev, come on, look at me.” When Evan looked up, tears were streaming down his face. “Whatever it is, it’ll be fine, but you gotta tell me what’s going on before my mind starts making me think the worst...”

Evan nodded, taking a deep, steadying breath. “M-my mom...” He paused, putting his face in his hands again. “She found a condom wrapper... She knows...”

There was a moment of silence, then Connor started laughing.

Evan looked up sharply at him, mouth dropping open. 

Connor’s whole body shook with the force of his laughter. “Sorry, I don’t mean to laugh, but... With everything we’ve been through this year, it’s just... You were THAT worried about telling me this?”

Evan opened and closed his mouth like a fish trying to gulp air. He deflated, shrugging and picking at the grass.

“Oh, Ev, I’m sorry,” Connor said, sobering immediately. He took Evan’s hand, forcing him to stop picking blades of grass. Evan glanced up at him. “I’m sorry, I just... You REALLY had me worried. But, like... So what if she knows?”

“Y-you’re not... Upset? Or, um, angry? Or embarrassed?”

Connor blinked in confusion, shaking his head. “No, no, and uh... Kinda. But... So? We’ve been in a relationship for, like, five months now, and hanging out for longer than that, and your mom basically caught us twice already, so.... Who cares? She has a teenage son in a relationship. I’m sure she knew it would happen eventually.”

“O-oh..” Evan mumbled, letting out a huge burst of air. “I guess I... I just figured, um, you’d be... Well, you tend to withdraw when stuff like this happens. I was so worried you’d blame me.”

“What?!?” Connor demanded. “Why would I blame you?? I brought the condoms, I should have been smarter about cleaning up after. If anything, it’s my fault. But, like, again... Not a big deal. Really, promise.” He gave Evan’s hand a squeeze. “Damn, I thought YOU were mad at ME, or were breaking up with me, or something really bad.”

Evan finally felt like he could breath again. “I g-guess you’re right. T-there are worse things, huh? It’s just.. When she caught us on the porch that night, and then again when you were hiding in the closet, you seemed so upset... S-so, I figured this would be.... Bad.”

Connor shook his head. “No, I wasn’t upset those times for the reasons you think. I was worried that it would upset YOU, with how this whole thing has been for you. I was worried your mom would be mad at us and make us stop seeing each other. I was worried about the fall-out of it all. But clearly she wasn’t THAT upset, right? Otherwise you wouldn’t be sitting here with me, you’d be grounded or worse.”

Evan shrugged and nodded. “I mean, um, the conversation we had was one I never ever want to repeat ever again. I kept hoping the floor would open up and eat me alive-“

“Psh,” Connor chuckled. “The only one who gets to eat you is me,” he said with a wicked grin.

Evan’s eyes went wide, his face going bright red. 

Connor snickered. “It’s so easy to make you blush.”

“Come on,” Evan said, rolling his eyes and smacking Connor’s arm playfully. “You have NO idea how worried I was about telling you, and you’re making a joke of it.”

Connor shrugged. “Cause I just don’t think it’s a big deal. Not trying to downplay how you feel, and I understand why you were worried about telling me, but it’s okay. I mean, not gonna lie, I don’t know if I’ll be able to look your mom in the eye ever again, but... On the bright side, at least it’s only your mom. Can you imagine if MY parents had found a condom wrapper? Like, imagine the way THAT conversation would go...” Connor shuddered.

The look on Evan’s face was so comical, Connor couldn’t help but burst out laughing. “Trust me, it won’t ever come to that. I’ll make sure of it. Your mom finding out is enough for a lifetime.”

He moved back so he could lean against the tree, patting the space beside him. Evan crawled to his side, then changed his mind and sat sideways in Connor’s lap, so he could lean back and give Connor a kiss. Connor leaned in, wrapping his arm around Evan’s stomach and pulling him close. 

They stayed that way for a long time, making out until they had to pull away to suck in some air. Evan scooted down, shimmying in Connor’s lap, so he could rest his head against Connor’s chest. Connor whimpered, his body responding immediately to Evan’s movement. Evan grinned wickedly at the idea that he could make Connor react that way, at the power he held. He did it again, but slower.

Connor’s head fell back against the tree. “Dude...” He groaned. Evan snickered, doing it again. Panting, Connor grabbed Evan’s hips firmly with both hands, forcing him to stop. 

“You’re going to be the death of me, Hansen,” Connor said, his voice strangled. Evan chuckled, finally giving Connor a break and remaining still. He could feel Connor’s heart pounding. 

“So, uh....” Connor cleared his throat. “What time does your mom work until...?”

Evan grinned, leaning in to give Connor a quick kiss. “Overnight... Double shift...”

Connor met Evan’s eyes, and they grinned at each other.


	19. These Broken Parts Chapter 19

Connor sat up against Evan’s pillow, reading a book. Beside him, Evan was snoring. He smiled at his anxious boy, who looked the exact opposite of anxious when he slept. He brushed a stray piece of hair out of Evan’s face. Evan stirred but didn’t wake. Connor smiled, kissing his forehead. He put his book on the night table beside him, carefully getting out of bed. He slipped on pajama bottoms and a t-shirt (Which he, uh, left at Evan’s house for situations like this...), then crept out of the room, heading downstairs for a midnight snack – literally, since it was 12:15am.

He sat at the kitchen table, munching on some cereal, when a noise startled him. He looked up.

“Hey, Ev. Sorry, did I wake you?”

Evan shook his head, grabbing a bowl from the cabinet and joining Connor for a snack. 

“I woke up and you weren’t there,” Evan said shoveling cereal into his mouth. “Figured I’d find you down here.”

Connor nodded. They ate in comfortable silence, then made there way back upstairs. They settled back into bed, Connor sitting up to read and Evan curling in alongside him.

“Let’s not forget to set an alarm, okay? We have a very bad habit of getting caught by our moms because of falling asleep...” Connor remarked dryly, flipping a page in his book.

Evan grinned, leaning back to set his alarm clock, then quickly snuggling back in to Connor.

“Done,” Evan said, closing his eyes and sighing in contentment.

“Will the light bother you? I just can’t sleep yet,” Connor admitted. He felt Evan shake his head no. He held his book with one hand, and rubbed Evan’s back with the other until Evan was snoring again. He smiled down at his boyfriend, his heart full of love, before going back to his book.

~*~*~

When the alarm went off, Connor groaned in annoyance, reluctantly lifting his arm off Evan’s back and swatting at the OFF button. The absence of Connor’s arm made Evan shiver and tuck closer to Connor.

“Don’t do that,” Connor groaned. “You’ll make me want to stay in bed with you all day, and we gotta get moving soon.”

“Do we have to?” Evan asked with an annoyed huff.

“Yep,” Connor said reluctantly. He kissed Evan’s nose, then propped himself up on his elbows, looking down at Evan. “I wish we didn’t, but yep.”

Evan sighed, flipping onto his back and looking up at Connor. “I don’t wanna...”

“I know,” Connor agreed, shrugging. “But if we skip school again, they’ll DEFINITELY call our parents.”

Evan made a face, reluctantly sitting up. Connor followed his cue, and they got up and rummaged around, going about their morning routines – dressing, cleaning up, and grabbing their bags.

They held hands on their walk to school, both yawning every few minutes.

“Stop yawning, you’re making me yawn,” Connor complained.

“Can’t help it,” Evan said with a shrug. “Besides, you’re yawning more than me.”

“Can’t help it,” Connor replied, echoing Evan’s words. Truth was, Connor’s insomnia had been getting bad again for a few weeks now. That was always the first sign he was one trigger away from a bad depressive episode. He couldn’t figure out why, when he had everything going for him right now. He shook the thought away as they approached the school building.

They stopped at the bottom of the steps, both giving each other “here we go” looks, and making their way into the building.

~*~*~

Lunch – the only period they had together – couldn’t come fast enough. Even if they weren’t alone and couldn’t engage in PDA, seeing each other helped them both get through their day. They hadn’t been sitting long when Jared joined them.

“Hey, Murphsen, how’s it hangin’?”

“Hey, Jared,” Evan replied, grabbing his backpack off the seat beside him so Jared could sit. Connor grunted a hello, too engrossed in his book for more than that. 

“My parents are gonna be gone all weekend, so I’m having a little get together at me casa tonight, if you two love birds wanna stop by.”

Connor finally looked up from his book, glancing at Evan. They hadn’t really hung out outside of school with anyone besides each other, and Jared was more Evan’s friend than his; Connor just tolerated the douchebag. So, this was Evan’s call. 

Evan shrugged, his silent way of telling Connor it kind of sounded fun, but only if he was up for it.

“You already have a secret language? How adorable,” Jared cooed.

Connor rolled his eyes. “Kleinman-“

Jared held his hands up in mock innocence. “We’re cool, dude, just teasing. The crowd will be small and they’re all chill, so no worries on the holding hands shit or whatever.”

Evan perked up a little. He loved his alone time with Connor, but it would be nice to hang out with a group of friends like a normal high school kid.

“I’ve got some video games, some movies, plus all the liquor that hasn’t been touched since Rosh Hashanah 1997, so it’ll be sweet.”

“Okay, cool, yeah,” Evan replied after another glance at Connor. Connor shrugged and gave Evan an “you’ll owe me” look.

“Festivities start at 8,” Jared added, just as Alana came to sit with them, and Jared gave her the info, as well.

~*~*~

When Connor knocked on Evan’s door that night at 7:30, Evan ran down the stairs, zipping Connor’s hoodie (the one he still hadn’t given back) as he went.

“Connor’s here, bye!” he called to his mom, who shouted a reminder to be home by midnight. 

Once the door had closed behind him, Evan leaned in and kissed Connor hello. Connor grabbed Evan’s hand, smiling as they pulled away and started walking.

“I know this isn’t really your thing,” Evan said suddenly, as Jared’s house came into sight. “If you want to leave at any point, just let me know.”

Connor nodded, giving Evan’s hand a squeeze. “It’s cool. I’ll just have to kick Kleinman’s ass in whatever video game we play.”

Evan chuckled. They went around to the back of the house and into the side door that led down to Jared’s basement.

“Hey, love birds,” Jared called, eyes trained on the video game he was playing. “Get some Manischewitz and a seat.”

Evan and Connor nodded hellos to the rest of the people there, including Alana, two of Jared’s cousins, Michael and Josh, and a boy Evan recognized from his math class, Robbie. Alana was seated in a cozy armchair, laptop open – because of course Alana would be doing schoolwork on a Friday night. Jared was sitting in another armchair, and the three other boys were all in various places, including foldout chairs and the floor.

Evan and Connor collapsed onto the couch, legs touching, holding hands. Both were out of their comfort zone at this gathering, and each boy pulled strength from the touch of the other.

Jared’s obnoxious laugh ten minutes later signaled the end of that round. “And that’s how it’s done. How many games is that?”

“Three,” Michael grumbled. “Someone needs to knock you off your pedestal, dude.”

“I’ll do it,” Connor said cheerfully. 

“Try me, Murphy,” Jared said dryly, rolling his eyes.

Robbie tossed the game controller to Connor, who caught it one-handed. Evan reluctantly let his other hand go, sliding down to lay across the couch so he could rest his head on Connor’s leg.

“Let’s do this,” Jared said, a wicked grin on his face. “You’re goin’ down, Murphy.”

Connor smirked, shaking his head. “Little early for smack talk, Kleinman. Save it for after I beat the shit out of you.”

“Such a Connor Murphy thing to do, threatening violence. Trying to make up for your lack of game skills?” Jared shot back.

“What would you know about skills?” Connor questioned, scrunching his face up in confusion.

“Ooohhhhhh,” Michael, Josh and Robbie hooted together, as Evan – and even Alana – snickered.

Evan tried to pay attention to the game, to cheer Connor on, but video games weren’t his kind of thing. His fingers started playing mindlessly with the zipper of Connor’s hoodie and his mind wandered.

Another fifteen or so minutes went by, Connor and Jared smack-talking almost the entire time – until Jared made a fatal mistake, and the game declared Connor the winner. The boys all hooted and hollered, everyone happy to see Jared knocked on his ass.

“Oh, shut up,” Jared huffed, turning the game off. “Let’s just watch a movie instead.”

Connor smirked, shrugging at Jared as he grabbed a random horror movie off the shelf and popped it in the player. He was actually a good host, making sure everyone had something to drink and snack on before settling in and hitting PLAY.

Connor nudged Evan over so he could stretch out on the couch, lying on his back with an arm behind his head. Evan scooted so his back was pressed against the back of the couch. Once Connor was settled, he rolled over so his head was on Connor’s chest. He flopped an arm across Connor’s stomach, then put one leg over Connor’s. He shifted until he was comfortable, then sighed in contentment. Connor put his free arm around Evan’s back.

Jared rolled his eyes and pretended to gag, but not unkindly. Other than that, no one seemed to care. Evan’s heart beat fast, but in relief, not panic. He still sometimes had nightmares about that day those jocks had beat him up. He and Connor were super careful about public PDA at school. But here, he could relax and not worry about judgment. It was so nice, and so completely unexpected. With all the crap Jared said, who knew he and his friends would be so welcoming?

~*~*~

Connor shook Evan awake. “Hey, it’s time to head out.”

Evan groaned, snuggling in closer.

“Dude, get a room,” Jared huffed, turning the TV off.

THAT woke Evan up. He sat up quickly. “I-what?”

“You fell asleep,” Connor said with a smirk. “We have to leave before you miss curfew and your mom kills me.”

“Stop being so adorkable,” Jared said, rolling his eyes. He was already cleaning up, his cousins helping. Robbie and Alana had already left.

Evan stood quickly. “Oh, sorry,” he mumbled nervously. “Thanks for having us, Jared.”

Jared saluted them. “Next time, I’ll beat your ass at that game, Murphy.”

“You can try,” Connor smirked, shrugging as he and Evan made their way up the steps and outside. It was colder than Evan thought it would be. He shivered, stepping closer to Connor for warmth. They held hands as they walked back to Evan’s.

“That was unexpectedly fun,” Connor admitted. “Guess Kleinman isn’t the total douche he pretends to be,”

Evan shrugged. “He has his moments... But, it WAS nice to hang out with people who didn’t... you know..”

Connor nodded, staring into the distance as they walked. “Yeah, it was.”

Connor fell silent, lost in thought. If you’d asked him a year ago, he never thought life would have brought him to this moment. If his first suicide attempt had stuck, he wouldn’t even be here right now. If Evan hadn’t run after him the second time, he’d be dead and buried. 

If Evan hadn’t run after him... Connor couldn’t imagine what life would be like without Evan by his side. It would be... Lonely. 

“You okay?” Evan asked after awhile.

“Hm?” Connor asked, pulling himself back from the dark thoughts to find that they were almost to Evan’s house.

“You kinda spaced on me there,” Evan said, worry in his eyes.

Connor forced himself to smile. “Yeah, fine, sorry. Just...” He shrugged. “It was nice, you’re right.” They stepped up to Evan’s door and Connor gave him a kiss. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Evan nodded, smiling. “Mom leaves early for work, so whenever you wanna get here.”

Connor nodded, kissing Evan again. “See you then.”

Evan waited until he couldn’t see Connor anymore in the dark before he opened the door and made his way upstairs. He couldn’t help but worry about Connor the whole time he got ready for bed. The other boy had seemed so distracted on the walk home...

He fell into bed, mind still lost in worry.

~*~*~

Connor sat on the edge of his bed, nerves on fire, his whole body twitchy. He’d had such an awesome night, hanging out with Evan and – well, he didn’t know if he’d call Kleinman, his cousins, Alana and Robbie friends or not, but it was the only word he could think of. He never thought he’d have friends and a boyfriend, never thought life could be so good.

But... if life was so good, why did he feel so bad? Why couldn’t he sleep? Why were his nerves on fire?

He scratched at his arms, trying to push away the urge to cut. He had no reason to be so depressed, so lonely... No reason at all. So why was he? What had set him off? Why was he so.... He wasn’t even sure what the word was... All he knew was he hadn’t been sleeping again, and his mind had been taking him to dark places again. He hadn’t felt this way in so long, he had almost forgotten how awful it felt when your own mind betrayed you.

When the craving wouldn’t leave him, he caved, pulling the blade from his drawer, unclasping his bracelet, and doing what his mind and body begged for. He hissed when his hand slipped and he cut a little too deep. He dropped the blade onto his night table and quickly put pressure on the wound, his hands shaking. It took a long time before the bleeding stopped. Connor traced the new cut, frowning at how deep it was. 

He was such a screw-up, he couldn’t even cut himself without messing it up...

He sighed in frustration, cleaning the blade, putting it away, tossing the tissues, and re-clasping his bracelets.

He lay on his bed after, staring blankly at the ceiling. When his phone beeped with a text, he ignored it. The only person who would message him right now was Evan, and he couldn’t face Evan at the moment. He silenced the phone, rolled onto his side so his back was to the night table, and closed his eyes.

~*~*~

Evan frowned in worry when Connor didn’t respond to him. That was unusual... But, it was late. Maybe he’d fallen asleep. They’d see each other in the morning, anyway, right? 


	20. These Broken Parts Chapter 20

When Connor woke up, he found blood on his blankets. The cut he’d made last night must have broken open at some point. It wasn’t much, but it would be very, very bad if his mother saw it... He sighed, pulling the covers over his head. He didn’t want to get up, didn’t want to go socialize. But he knew Evan would worry, so he forced himself to get up, get ready and go.

He regretted it the second he left the house. He wasn’t in the right headspace for this. He didn’t know why his brain always had to ruin everything, but he couldn’t face Evan right now. 

With a heavy heart, he texted and told Evan he was grounded for failing a science test. Evan sent him a broken heart emoji. Connor didn’t have the heart to reply, so he just pocketed his phone and slumped to the orchard. 

He sat against their tree and smoked two joints back-to-back. It wasn’t something he’d done in forever, so it hit him hard. He groaned, putting his head in his hands. He didn’t feel well at all... 

His phone beeped with a message, but he ignored it, dry heaving into the grass. What the fuck was he tripping for? This was really unusual for him. He leaned back against the tree, taking deep, slow breaths to try to steady himself.

He wasn’t sure how long he sat there for, but before long, the mid-March skies turned dark with rain clouds. He frowned up at them, annoyed that they were laughing at him. 

Wait.. clouds couldn’t laugh. He shook his head again, trying to shake the images away. He rubbed his eyes before looking back up. The clouds looked like normal rain clouds now. Man, this was some trip.. 

He curled up in a ball and closed his eyes. Maybe he could sleep this off. Maybe sleep would help calm him... He hadn’t slept well in so long... He felt exhausted beyond words, mentally and physically.

His phone startled him awake some time later. He shivered, feeling cold and wet. “What the fuck..” he grumbled, sitting up. He looked around, his eyes blurry, to find that it was pouring. He sighed, glaring at the sky. “Yeah, I get it, I’m a piece of shit. Even the weather thinks so..” He stood, putting his hood up, even though it was pretty pointless, since he was already soaked through. He checked his phone. He had a million messages from Evan, and a couple from Zoe and his mom.

He quickly typed out a message to his mom and Zoe:

**C: Sorry, was out with Evan. Coming home now**

But he ignored Evan’s messages. He still felt too out of it to talk to him. Slowly, he trudged home.

~*~*~

“Connor, you’re soaking wet!” Cynthia cried when Connor finally got home.

Connor shook off her fussing. “Yeah, started raining while I was walking home,” he grumbled, avoiding looking at her in case his eyes were still red. “Gonna go take a hot shower.” He slipped upstairs to his room, dumping his bag on the floor.

“Connor!” Zoe hissed, slipping into his room behind him. “Where were you really?”

“What?” Connor asked sharply, glancing at her with an innocent frown. “I told you, I was with-“

“Yeah, no, you weren’t. Cause Evan messaged me, asking if you were okay when you didn’t answer his million messages.”

Connor gritted his teeth. “Go away, Zoe.” He slipped his shoes off and walked past her, heading for the bathroom.

“Are you guys fighting?” she asked worriedly, following him.

“No,” he said firmly, standing in the bathroom doorway so she couldn’t follow him. “Now go away, unless you wanna see me naked.” He slammed the door in her face and locked it.

She knocked and called his name a few times before giving up and going back to her room. Connor slumped against the door, sighing in frustration. He needed to sleep.. Really sleep, not just in fits and bursts. He turned the shower on. While it heated up, he peeled off his wet clothes, shivering as the air hit his wet body. He dumped everything on the floor. He stood at the sink, staring at himself in the mirror for a minute before he couldn’t bear to anymore. He unclasped all his bracelets, took off his rings, and slowly slipped into the shower.

He stood under the hot water for longer than he needed to, staring at his wrist. The deep cut he’d (accidentally..?) made the other night had broken open again at some point and the hot water was making the blood run down his arm. He felt numb, watching it swirl down the drain. 

When the hot water was nearly gone, he finally soaped up and washed his hair, then climbed out. He dried off, taking special care to dry his wrist before getting gauze and bandaging it tightly in an attempt to get it to heal. He covered it up with his bracelets, left his wet clothes on the floor, and escaped to his room. He locked the door, not wanting any more interruptions from Zoe. He threw on pajama pants and a shirt, then fell into bed, his wet hair soaking his pillow.

Finally, he picked his phone up and went to Evan’s thread. He didn’t read any of the messages, just sent one:

**Sorry, fell asleep and woke up with a headache. Everything’s cool. Will talk tomorrow.**

He set his phone down and rolled over, staring blankly at his wall. He needed to sleep... He’d feel better if he could just sleep... He hesitated before reaching for a container under his bed. He pulled a small baggie of pills out of it, staring at them for a long time before grabbing one out and dry swallowing it. He threw the bag back into the container and laid back. He wasn’t the praying type, but he prayed the sleeping pill would work quickly and offer him some relief.

~*~*~

When he woke up the next day, it was already almost noon. He felt so much better. He had actually slept. His mind felt clear, so the weed was out of his system. And when he unwrapped his wrist, the cut had finally closed enough that he didn’t think it would start bleeding again. He was also relieved to discover it was Sunday and he didn’t have to worry about school.

He checked his phone. Evan had messaged him a dozen times again. He sighed, finally replying:

**Fell asleep, sorry. Headache gone. Wanna grab lunch at the diner? Meet you at your house in an hour?**

Evan’s **YES!** was immediate. Connor smiled softly, getting up and dressed. When he went downstairs, Cynthia looked relieved that he was smiling, and Zoe looked suspicious, like she could see right through him.

“Meeting Evan for lunch at the diner,” he said, forcing cheer into his voice. 

“Have fun!” Cynthia said, grinning as he left. Zoe shook her head at her mother. “What?”

“Oblivious, as usual,” Zoe snapped, running after her brother. “Connor!”

“I’m FINE, Zoe,” Connor insisted, one hand on the door to make his escape. “Just didn’t feel well yesterday.”

“You’re NOT fine,” she snapped, crossing her arms. “That was Pre-Evan Connor yesterday. What’s wrong?”

“You worry too much, sis,” he said with a smile, kissing her cheek and leaving before she could stop him.

When he got to Evan’s, Evan opened the door immediately, throwing himself into Connor’s arms.

“Whoa,” Connor chuckled, rubbing Evan’s back.

“I was so worried about you! Don’t scare me like that!” Evan snapped, but his voice was shaking.

Connor kissed his cheek, took his hand, and started walking. Evan fell into step beside him. “Sorry, I just didn’t feel well. I don’t know what happened,” he shrugged. 

Evan frowned, his gut telling him something was off about Connor, but he couldn’t figure out what. Before he could ask, they were at the diner and being seated.

“I’m starving,” Connor said quickly, before Evan could start questioning him again. “You starving?”

Evan frowned, but nodded. After they ordered, Evan tried again, putting his hand out to Connor, who took it and flashed him a smile.

“Are you sure you’re-“

“I am,” Connor insisted. “And I wish everyone would stop asking me if I am or not.” He slumped at the hurt look in Evan’s eyes. “Sorry, Ev, I didn’t mean to snap. Just.. I’m fine, okay? I swear I’m fine.”

Evan nodded, lingering doubts refusing to go away. But the waitress brought their food and Connor dug in to his, so Evan let it go.


	21. These Broken Parts Chapter 21

Something had changed. Evan wasn’t sure what it was, but Connor wasn’t behaving like himself. He was always super cheerful and goofy, and Evan loved that, but it just wasn’t typical of his moody boyfriend. But every time Evan tried to bring it up, Connor made a joke of it, showering him in kisses to get him to change the subject. 

Evan didn’t want to push too hard, didn’t want to push Connor away, but his concern was growing by the day.

Things took a weird turn in mid-April. Connor ran up to Evan at his locker, grabbing him from behind and spinning him around. Everyone stared, whispering as they went by.

Connor felt good, but for all the wrong reasons. He’d fallen into a deadly cycle of taking sleeping pills to sleep at night, then popping Adderall in the morning to shake off the fogginess of the sleeping pills. But his brain refused to understand that what he was doing wasn’t a good idea. He felt good again, and that was all that mattered.

Evan stared, wide-eyed, at Connor, once Connor had planted him back on his feet.

“Hi...” Evan said uncertainly, as Connor leaned in and kissed him, pressing him against the lockers. “N-not that I don’t, you know, love you, but this is... a surprise..”

Connor shrugged. “What? I’m tired of not touching you at school. Let them be angry about it,” he said, raising his voice and staring around at everyone lingering, steel and anger in his eyes.

“Connor-“ Evan hesitated. 

“I’m not going to apologize for who I am anymore. If you don’t like it...” Connor shrugged, backing away. “By the way, meet me at my house after school, ‘kay?” He blew Evan a kiss, then turned his back on him and walked right out the door, not even caring that a teacher was there, calling his name.

Connor half-walked, half-ran home. When he got inside, he threw his backpack down, not even caring. No one was home, and no one would be home all week. His parents and sister were visiting family for Easter. He had the place to himself. He couldn’t wait for Evan to get there. 

He ran up to his room and grabbed the container under his bed, popping an Adderall. He couldn’t be sleepy with Evan coming over. He hopped around his room, blasting some music (something his mother would have screamed at him for, if she were home) while he cleaned up. 

He sat still only long enough to drag the razor blade across his wrist, clean it up, and replace his bracelets. The more emotionally numb he grew, the more he needed the release of cutting. Seeing his body bleed reminded him he was still alive and capable of feeling pain. He shrugged to himself, then went back to running around, making everything nice for Evan.

When Evan arrived an hour later, Connor excitedly explained that they had the house to themselves for three days.

“How did you convince your parents to let you stay home alone for three days??” Evan asked, eyes wide.

Connor shrugged. “It was easy. My mom’s still so happy with the 180 my life has taken, she doesn’t question anything. And Larry is still trying to adjust to his son being gay, so I think he welcomed the time away. I also promised I wouldn’t throw any parties or have anyone over without supervision.” The last part made him chuckle wickedly. “Plus, I told her I’d be spending time with you and Heidi, and not just all by myself.”

“Wooowwww, okayyyyy,” Evan said, trying to sound excited, but his worry was nagging at him. Connor was hyper, bouncing around, unable to sit still. “What did you do, have ten cups of coffee?” he asked, trying to sound casual.

Connor shook his head. “Nope, just excited for time alone with you. Can you convince your mom you’re at Jared’s or something?”

“I can try... Hopefully she’ll believe me, if Jared backs me up.” He texted his mom that he’d be home late, then texted Jared to ask him to cover for him. He tucked his phone away.

“So... what should we do first...?” he asked, trying to smile excitedly at Connor.

Connor smirked.

~*~*~

They cuddled up together on Connor’s bed after, snuggled close.

“That was.... nice,” Evan said, sighing contentedly. Maybe he had been worrying for nothing. Maybe Connor was fine. Maybe all was well.

Connor kissed him on the top of his head in response. 

“I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Evan replied, snuggling close and taking Connor’s hand in his. Connor had his bracelets on, as usual, but.. Evan frowned, squinting at the space where the bracelet met his skin. “Connor... Is that blood??”

Connor shrugged, pulling his hand away from Evan and placing his arms under the blankets. “I just scratched myself, it’s no big deal.” He yawned, seeming suddenly exhausted, like he was coming down from a high.

“Scratched yourself? Hard enough to draw blood? Connor-“

“It’s nothing,” he snapped. “Damn, Ev, can you please drop it?”

Evan sat up suddenly, eyes filled with worry. “Connor, you’re not still.. I mean...”

“No,” Connor snapped, rolling his eyes. “Dude, if you’re gonna be like this, please leave. I’d like the time without my family to be drama free.”

Evan flinched. Connor had never asked him to leave before, never been THAT annoyed with him. “I-I-I’m sorry... I just.. I’m worried about you. You aren’t acting like... yourself.”

Connor shrugged him off. “Leave it alone, okay? I’m fine.” He rolled over, his back to Evan.

Evan fought back the tears building in his eyes. Connor had never been so... so... MEAN... before. Maybe he was getting tired of Evan. Maybe he didn’t want to deal with him anymore. He sniffled, rolling over so his back was to Connor.

Connor was so tired. The Adderall was wearing off and he was coming down from the energy high, but his mind still wouldn’t stop buzzing. And Evan’s prying wasn’t helping. 

He stood abruptly and walked, naked, to the bathroom, slamming the door. He paced back and forth before finding the stash of sleeping pills he’d put away in prep for Evan’s visit. He dry swallowed two – because one no longer helped - then hid the bottle and went back to his room.

Before long, he was out cold. Evan rolled over, staring at him with fear in his eyes. Something was very, very wrong. Carefully, he picked Connor’s arms up and unclasped his bracelets. He gasped, running his fingers over the dozens of cuts.

“Oh, Connor..” Evan mumbled, lip trembling. He quickly clasped Connor’s bracelets back into place and rolled back over, heart pounding. What was he going to do? His sweet, sweet boyfriend was in trouble, and he didn’t know how to fix this without pushing him away entirely.

~*~*~

When Connor woke up, he felt better. More like himself again. He was lost somewhere between super high and super low, but his mind felt more clear than it had before.

Evan was still beside him, but his back was to Connor. Connor leaned over him, getting in his face.

“Hi,” he said with a grin. Evan rolled over, taking Connor’s hand. “Hi,” he replied, sounding uncertain.

“What?” Connor demanded, pulling away.

Evan felt tears in his eyes again. “Connor, I’m worried about you..”

Connor gritted his teeth. “Just leave, okay? I’m done with this. I’m done with you.”

Evan gasped, his heart breaking into a million pieces. “Connor..”

“No, seriously. Leave.”

Evan trembled. “Connor, I saw your wrists. I know what you’re doing to yourself. Please... Let me help you.”

Somewhere in the back of Connor’s mind, his brain screamed at him to stop, to think, to be sensible. But the voices in his head sunk their teeth in. He felt overwhelmed. Caged, cornered. He got out of bed and dressed quickly.

“I want you gone when I come back out here,” he snapped, stalking into the bathroom and locking the door. He shook his bracelets off, picking up a scissor, since his blade was in his room. He made a few choice cuts, listening for the sounds of Evan leaving. When he was sure he was gone, he went back to his room and fell onto the bed.

He sat like that for an hour, staring at his ceiling. His arms bled freely, getting blood all over his sheets. The cuts weren’t deep enough to kill him, but they throbbed. Good, he thought. He deserved to hurt. He could never take back what he’d said to Evan, and he doubted Evan would ever forgive him. He deserved that, too. Nothing mattered anymore, not if he’d pushed Evan away. Life didn’t matter anymore. HE didn’t matter anymore.

The tears finally came, flowing as freely as his blood.


	22. These Broken Parts Chapter 22

When Evan got home, Heidi was there, sitting on the couch with her laptop. Her class had gotten canceled, so she was trying to catch up on homework. When the door slammed shut, she glanced up at Evan.

“Hey, bud! I thought you were studying late at Jared’s again?” She frowned, taking in the state of her son. She put her computer down and stood, approaching him cautiously. “Evan, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head, falling into her arms and sobbing. Heidi pulled him back to the couch and held him, letting him cry into her arms until he was all cried out. She pulled back, pulling his chin up so he had to look at her.

“Evan, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me.”

“S-something’s wrong with Connor.. He... He was so cruel...” 

“Wait, you were with Connor, not Jared??” Heidi puffed up, ready to scold him, but then stopped at the scared look on his face. She sighed, rubbing his arm. Now was not the time to yell at him for lying about where he had been. “Sweetie, did you have a fight? Break up? I mean, people... people do that sometimes.”

“No!” he snapped, startling Heidi, who wasn’t used to her son yelling at her. “Mom, this wasn’t just some stupid teenager thing. Something is WRONG.”

“Okay, bud, okay. Talk to me. What happened?”

Evan sniffled, pulling away from her, leaning back into the couch and curling his legs up close to his body.

“I think... I don’t know.. I think he’s... He’s not acting like himself at all. And.. and..” He looked down, trembling. He’d never told his mom that Connor smoked weed and cut, worried she would force him to stop hanging out with Connor. He shook his head. “I... He..”

“Evan, look at me.” Heidi waited until he complied. “Whatever it is, I need you to tell me. I can’t help you if you don’t tell me. I can’t help CONNOR if you don’t tell me.”

Evan wiped his nose on his sleeve, sniffling. “I think he’s taking drugs, mom. He was behaving so weird.. I’ve never seen him like that. And... h-he...” He looked down, taking a deep breath before looking at Heidi again. “He’s cutting, mom. He had stopped, he promised he’d stopped, but he hasn’t. They... it was bad.. And he’s home alone for the whole week... His parents are away... I-I’m scared what he’ll do..”

Heidi gritted her teeth, pulling Evan in for a hug, then pulling back. “Do you have his mom’s cell number?”

Evan jumped away from Heidi, pacing the living room. “N-no.. I-I mean.. Yes, I do but... but.. y-you can’t tell his mom! You can’t! He’ll never forgive me for this!”

“Evan,” Heidi said, standing and approaching him slowly, hands held in front of her to placate him. “Evan, I HAVE to. Connor could hurt himself. He’s clearly not in any state of mind to be alone. I HAVE to. Please, Evan.”

Trembling, Evan pulled Cynthia’s contact up in his phone and handed it to Heidi. Connor was never going to forgive him... But Evan would never forgive himself if he let anything happen to Connor..

“No, Cynthia, it’s Heidi,” Heidi said into the phone. “I’m with Evan now. I think you need to come home.... I don’t know... Evan just got back from your house and he said... I don’t know... Yes... He said Connor wasn’t acting like himself... I don’t know exactly, Evan is really upset... He did mention that, yes... Yes, he said Connor’s cutting again... He saw it for himself... I don’t... Okay, right. Right. How long? Okay. Right. Okay, yeah. Bye.”

She hung up, handing Evan’s phone back to him. “She, um...” Heidi sighed, rubbing her forehead. “She’s calling 911.”

“WHAT?!?! Connor will NEVER forgive me! They’ll send him away!!!” Evan felt himself starting to hyperventilate.

“Evan, I NEED you to calm down,” Heidi said firmly, putting a hand on each of his arms to anchor him. “Connor is in trouble. He has a history of... Did you know he tried to....”

Evan’s eyes widened. He couldn’t get his voice to work, but the look on his face confirmed Heidi’s fears.

“Evan, he could try it again. He could try to kill himself again. Do you understand that? You did the right thing by telling me, do you hear me? And we did the right thing by calling Cynthia. I need you to believe that, Evan.”

Evan’s legs gave out. Heidi tried to hold him up, but they both hit the ground. Heidi pulling Evan in close again and holding him while the panic attack consumed him.

~*~*~

At 10pm, there was a knock on their door. Heidi kissed Evan’s forehead and went to answer it. When she came back, Larry Murphy was with her. Evan looked up, startled. Larry was the LAST person he expected to see.

He cleared his throat. “Evan...” 

“Is-is- Is C-Connor...?” Evan asked frantically. He couldn’t move from the couch, was afraid to stand. He didn’t trust his legs to hold him up.

“When the ambulance got there, Connor was...” Larry pinched the bridge of his nose. “He had taken some pills... A lot of pills...”

“Oh god,” Evan sobbed, shaking his head, fearing the worst. Heidi ran over, grabbing him in a hug. He clung to her, shaking like a leaf.

“They were able to get him to the hospital in time. They-“ He cleared his throat again. “They pumped his stomach. He’s.. Well, he’s alive, but... He’s in bad shape. He must have cut himself right before he took the pills, so he lost a lot of blood, too..” He paused, his chest tight. He shook his head. “He’ll be okay, physically. But mentally...”

Evan sobbed into Heidi’s shoulder. 

“Evan,” Larry said firmly. “Evan, look at me.” Evan did, trying to control his breathing. “Evan... You did the right thing. You saved is life.”

Heidi held Evan tighter, rocking him. 

“C-c-can I... c-can I come s-see him?” Evan hiccupped.

Larry nodded. “Cynthia and I think... We think it would help if you did. That’s why I’m here.” He turned to Heidi. “I can drive him, if you want. Or, if you want to follow me there...”

Heidi nodded, helping Evan to his feet and grabbing her keys.

~*~*~

When they got to the hospital, Larry made Evan stop before they turned the corner to Connor’s room. He put a hand on Evan’s shoulder.

“He has a lot IVs hooked up to his arms. They had to intubate. The tube is out now, but his throat is sore and he’s having trouble talking. They had to give him a sedative, so he’s pretty out of it. Just.. I just want you to be prepared.”

Evan nodded. He followed Larry – Heidi trailing behind – to Connor’s room. When he walked in, Cynthia and Zoe were there. They each hugged Evan before walking out to Larry and Heidi, giving the boys some privacy.

Evan hesitated. Connor was propped up in bed, looking small and pale. He had an IV in his right hand and left arm. There was a pulse monitor on his right pointer finger, and a blood pressure cuff on his right arm. He had dark circles under his eyes, which were closed. Both wrists were heavily bandaged. Evan stared at him for a long time before shuffling closer. He stepped up to Connor’s left side, taking his hand and squeezing. Connor’s fingers were so cold.

His eyes fluttered open at Evan’s touch. He looked exhausted, and it took a minute for him to realize who was beside him.

“E-Ev..” he croaked, wincing. Evan spotted a cup with ice chips and picked it up. He held it to Connor’s lips. Connor reluctantly parted his lips so Evan could shake a few in. Connor sucked on the ice, wincing as the cold hit his throat.

“Connor, I’m so sorry,” Evan sobbed, running a hand through his hair.

Connor shook his head. “Me,” he croaked. “I-I-I’m... S-s-sorr-“

“Shhh, Evan whispered. “Don’t try to talk.”

“D-“ Connor coughed, closing his eyes. When he opened them again, he had tears in his eyes. “D-didn’t mean w-what I- what I s-said,” he rasped. “F-f-forgive...”

“Stop,” Evan said firmly, pressing his tears back. “Stop apologizing. You’re forgiven, of course you’re forgiven. Connor, please, don’t ever do this again. Don’t leave me.”

Connor tried to squeeze Evan’s hand, but his grip was weak. His eyes fluttered. “D-don’t l-leave me..” he croaked.

“I won’t, I won’t,” Evan insisted, leaning forward and kissing him on the forehead. His skin was cold and clammy. “I promise I won’t.”

Connor’s eyes fluttered closed as he fell into an uneasy sleep. Evan held his hand, refusing to let go, even when a nurse tried to usher him out. He vaguely heard Cynthia scolding the nurse, telling her to leave Evan and her son alone.

Evan wasn’t sure how long he stood there. But finally, after what felt like forever, Heidi came in and pulled him outside, to where Larry and Cynthia stood. Zoe was nowhere in sight.

Cynthia pulled Evan into a hug, sobbing into his shirt. It was several minutes before she pulled back, placing a hand on Evan’s cheek. “You saved him. Thank you, Evan.”

Evan shook his head. “I should have seen this coming. I should have said something sooner. He’s b-been acting... He hasn’t been himself. I-I should have-“

“We all saw the warning signs and ignored them,” Larry insisted. “We all wanted to believe this time was different. You can’t blame yourself, Evan. If anything, Cynthia is right. You saved him. If you hadn’t called us...”

Evan hugged himself, inhaling the scent of Connor’s hoodie, which he’d thrown on before they left for the hospital. It still smelled faintly like weed and his body spray. 

“W-what happens next...?”

Larry and Cynthia exchanged looks. “We...” Larry cleared his throat. “We take it one day at a time. He’ll have to go to in-patient treatment again.”

“No, no, no,” Evan cried. “Don’t take him away. H-he’ll hate that. He won’t get better that way, he’ll hate it.”

Larry and Cynthia exchanged looks again. 

“P-please... D-Don’t send him away, Just.. Let him stay, p-please! He can see a t-therapist and I’ll w-watch him-“

“Evan, that’s a LOT of responsibility to put on your shoulders,” Cynthia said, shaking her head. “He needs more help than you can provide.”

“P-please.. I-I... I love him.”

All three adults stared at him in shock. 

“I do. I love him and h-he loves me...” Evan insisted. “I know Connor, he’ll hate being sent away... B-Being treated like he’s c-crazy..” He paused, taking a deep breath, steadying his voice. He had to fight for Connor. Connor would fight for him – had fought for him. They’d been through so much together... “Please... Just.. talk to him when he’s awake. Please. Listen to him. Ask him what he wants. Please.”

“We...” Larry sighed. “We can’t promise anything, but we’ll try, okay?”

Evan nodded, staring at his feet. 

“You should take him home now, Heidi,” Larry insisted.

“No!” Evan cried, pulling away from his mom. “I need to be here when he wakes up. I promised him I wouldn’t leave!”

The adults all exchanged looks. 

“Trust is important,” Heidi finally said. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to tell you what’s best for your son,” she added, putting her hands up in a placating gesture. “But... Everything starts with trust. Connor trusts Evan. Evan made him a promise. If you want Connor to open up to you again, you need to establish that trust.”

Larry glanced at Cynthia, who nodded. “Okay, you can stay. I’ve donated enough money to this hospital, they can shove their visiting hours up their asses, for all I care.”

Evan nodded a thank you, then turned and ran back into Connor’s room. He sat beside his bed, taking Connor’s hand in his and squeezing.

“I’m here, Connor,” he whispered. “I’m not going anywhere.”


	23. These Broken Parts Chapter 23

Evan stayed by Connor’s side for three days. It was two days before the doctors felt they could safely ease Connor off the sedative. It was another day before he fully woke up, coming out of the fog he’d been in for days. The first thing he saw was Evan, sitting in a chair by his side, gripping his hand, slumped over with his head on Connor’s hospital bed, asleep.

He took in his surroundings, trying to clear his head. He still felt a little fuzzy, couldn’t completely remember how he’d ended up here. He had a feeling he didn’t want to remember.

He gently squeezed Evan’s hand. Evan jumped, lifting his head and blinking sleep from his eyes. When he saw Connor was awake, he jumped up, kissing his forehead. 

“Connor! Oh, god, Connor, I’ve been so scared!” Evan cried, turning to yell for everyone. Connor tugged on his hand, stopping him. He looked back at Connor, frowning.

“Evan...” Connor cleared his throat, looking away, ashamed – ashamed for so many reasons. For the things he’d said and done. For ignoring his own warning signs, for the things he’d said to Zoe and Evan. Mostly, he was ashamed that Evan was seeing him like this. 

“It’s okay,” Evan insisted. “It’s okay.”

“No,” Connor said firmly. “No, it’s not. I treated you terribly. I said things I didn’t mean. I said them on purpose, to push you away. I didn’t want you to see how badly I was spiraling... I..”

Evan put a finger to Connor’s lips, stopping him from saying more. 

“You’re alive. You’re alive and you’re here with me, and that’s all I care about. I don’t care about the things you said or did. I don’t. You’re still the most important thing in the world to me. I-I... I just hope you can forgive me for... Well, getting you sent here...And for, um, for whatever comes next.”

Connor slumped against his pillow, putting his head in his hands. “It’s not your fault. You did what you had to do. I brought this on myself..”

Connor frowned at the IVs in his arms and hands. He realized vaguely that, in addition to the sedative, they must have been pumping him full of anti-depressants or something, because his mind finally felt clear. He still felt a little numb, but he was finally thinking straight. The longer he was awake, the more he remembered from the last month. And the more ashamed he was. The more he hated himself.

He patted the bed beside him. Evan immediately hopped up beside him, Connor curling beside him so his head was tucked under Evan’s chin. Evan wrapped his arms around him, planting kisses on his head. It was exactly how Connor had been with him when he’d be in the hospital. Except this situation was much, much scarier.

“I don’t deserve you,” Connor said, shaking with tears he could no longer hold back. “You shouldn’t forgive me. I’m... I’m not a good person, Ev. I hurt everyone around me. I’m a bad influence. You smoked pot because of me. I... You should walk away.”

“You can’t get rid of me that easily,” Evan said firmly, squeezing Connor’s hand and planting more kisses on him. “I’m just as broken as you are, Connor, you know the things I’ve done. You’ve seen me at my worst, too. You were the only person to question if I really fell or if I...” He paused, sighing. “We’re in this together. You changed my life, and I won’t let you talk yourself out of it.”

Connor was sobbing now, unable to hold back any longer. Evan pulled him close, letting Connor sob into his hoodie, his fist balling in Evan’s sleeve. Evan rested his head on Connor’s head, rubbing his back. 

Finally, after several long minutes, Connor leaned back, exhausted. Evan stayed with him until he closed his eyes and fell asleep. He would have stayed longer, except a noise made him look up. Heidi stood in the doorway, an unreadable look on her face.

Shit, Evan thought. How long had she been there...? How much had she heard...? He glanced back at Connor, made sure he was asleep, then slunk out to his mom. He leaned against the wall beside Connor’s door, refusing to make eye contact with her.

She was silent for so long, he finally glanced up. “H-how..” He paused, trying to compose himself. “How much did you hear?”

“All of it,” Heidi finally said stiffly, her voice flat. “I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but...” She sighed, leaning against the wall beside him. She and Evan both slid down to the floor, side by side. She took his hand, glancing sideways at him. “I didn’t know, Ev... I didn’t... How did I not know..?”

“Because I never told you,” he said with a shrug, playing with his sneaker laces to keep his fingers busy and to avoid looking at his mother.

“You shouldn’t have had to,” Heidi said firmly. “I should have... I should have known...” She shook her head, blinking back tears. “I’m sorry.”

Evan finally looked up at her. “Don’t blame yourself. I... I hid it well.”

Heidi sighed. “I guess now isn’t the time to ground you for trying pot...” She rested her head against the wall, rolling her eyes. “But once Connor is better, you and I need to have a looonnnngggg talk.”

“Oh, great,” Evan said, huffing a laugh out.

Heidi swatted his leg, but it was half-hearted. She pulled him into a hug.

~*~*~

When Connor woke again, Evan was nowhere in sight, but both his parents were seated beside him. His heart started pounding in his chest. Here it comes, he thought... As his heart rate increased and his blood pressure soared, the machine beside him started to beep frantically.

Cynthia stood, grabbing Connor’s hand. She could see the fear in her son’s eyes. “Shhh, Connor, please. Calm down, please.”

Connor shook his head, tears gathering in his eyes. He couldn’t believe he had any tears left to cry, after all the crying he’d done lately. 

“You’re going to send me away again, aren’t you?” he cried, his voice hitching with a sob. He scrambled to sit up, to pull away from her. “You think I’m crazy. You think I’m crazy and broken and you’re going to send me away again. You’re going to take Evan away from me.” His voice shook, cracking with emotion. He successfully yanked his hand away from his mother, pushing as far away from her as he could, his hand going for his IVs. There wasn’t enough sedative in the world to calm his nerves. His whole body was on fire. He needed to run.

Larry jumped forward and grabbed Connor’s hands, holding tight. “Connor, please,” Larry said, his voice strained. “Please.” He could feel Connor’s hands shaking, could see the fear and anger in his eyes. “Please, calm down before the doctors come in here and pump you with more medicine. I know you don’t want that. Please. We just want to talk to you.”

His father was right, Connor didn’t want more medicine. He didn’t want to be fuzzy and numb again. He didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to run. But he forced himself to take deep, steadying breaths. After a few minutes, he nodded that he was calm, and his father let his hands go. Connor started picking at his nail polish.

“Connor, we.... We spoke to Evan.”

Connor looked up at his father, eyes wide with confusion.

“He begged us to... not send you away.”

Connor stilled, trying not to feel too hopeful. His parents’ solution had always been to send him away, to let him be someone else’s problem. Out of sight, out of mind. But... Maybe... Just maybe...

“We still need to discuss this more with your doctor and therapist, but...” Larry cleared his throat. “You might still have to go to in-patient treatment, Connor.” At the panic in Connor’s eyes, he held his hands up. “Just for a few weeks, not as long as last time. But if we do this... If we-if we can do this, then a lot of things will have to change, Connor. You’ll have to abide by a lot of rules. We...” he looked down.

Cynthia stepped up to her son, taking his hand. He flinched away at first, but let her. 

“We know Evan has had a positive effect on you, Connor. We don’t want to take you away from him. But.. You need to get better, okay? You need to let us help you.” She was shaking again, but forcing her tears back as best as she could.

Connor looked down, nodding, still refusing to feel too hopeful. Nothing was set in stone yet. 

“There’s an in-patient program here, at this hospital, that we may be able to get you into. You won’t be able to see Evan while you’re here, but... But after..”

Connor looked up again. “F-for how long?”

“There’s an 8-week program,” Cynthia began. Connor shook his head, lip trembling. “But then you’d be back home with us in the out-patient program, and able to see Evan again.”

“W...When would... When would I...”

Larry and Cynthia exchanged looks. “You’d be admitted by tonight, if all the paperwork goes through.”

Connor looked pale as a ghost as he slumped back into his pillows again. Eight weeks without Evan. 

“Can... Will I be able to see Evan before...?”

Cynthia nodded. “He hasn’t left your side. We had to send him away for a few minutes so we could talk to you. But he’s just grabbing food with Heidi in the cafeteria. He’ll be back soon.”

“D-does he... Does he know..”

Larry nodded. “He’s the one who convinced us to try to do this, to not send you away. Unfortunately, we can’t avoid that completely. But... we did our best, Connor. It won’t be long, I promise.”

Connor nodded, closing his eyes to steady himself. 

“I’m sorry I’m such a screw up,” he finally said, voice shaking.

“No,” Cynthia said firmly. “You are NOT a screw up, Connor. You’re sick, and you need help, but you’re strong. I’ve seen you grow and change SO much in the last few months, and I’m so, so, SO proud of you.” She leaned in and hugged him tight. That did him in. He broke down sobbing. Cynthia just held him.

~*~*~

When Evan came back, Connor’s parents stepped outside with Heidi, giving them some privacy.

“I, um...” Connor looked down, then back at Evan. “I... Thank you.”

Evan sat beside him, holding his hand, which was still cold and shaking. 

“I don’t know what you said to my parents, but you convinced them... I still have to do eight weeks in-patient here, but... but that’s it. Thanks to you.”

Evan leaned in and kissed Connor. “All I said was you’d get better faster if you were here, with the people who love you. That you’re strong and can fight this”

Connor nodded, looking away, “I’ll try, Ev. I promise I’ll try.”

Evan leaned in and hugged him, not wanting to let go. But their time was limited. Connor’s paperwork had gone through, and they only had a few minutes before they’d start processing him to be admitted. 

“I’ll be here waiting,” Evan promised, bringing Connor’s hand to his lips. “You’ll get through this.”

Connor trembled, but nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Evan said firmly. “Don’t forget that.”

“Okay, Connor, it’s time,” Cynthia said, as she, Larry and Heidi stepped into the room.

Evan started to pull away, but Connor pulled him in again, wanting one last kiss. He didn’t care that everyone was staring at them. He kissed Evan like it was the first and last time, putting as much into it as he could. He had no idea how he’d gotten so lucky with Evan, had no idea why this sweet, innocent, anxious boy was willing to stick around for a broken fuck up like him. But he was grateful.

When Connor finally pulled back, Evan had tears in his eyes. 

“It’ll go by fast, Con. Just hang in there.”

Connor nodded, reluctantly letting Evan’s hand go and watching him and Heidi walk away. Evan paused in the doorway, looking back. He nodded at Connor, before reluctantly letting Heidi pull him away.

Connor sucked in a trembling breath, leaning back into the pillows. It was going to be a long eight weeks. But he would do it. He would fight. For Evan. And for himself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! It was a bit scary to write, since I did delve a little bit into the dark depths of my own depressed, anxious brain to write it. If you DID enjoy it, please let me know! I DO have a sequel planned, if this gets enough love :)


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